Operation: Kill Tobi
by TRIGGER M00NSHIELD
Summary: The Akatsuki plot to destroy the biggest threat they have ever faced...
1. The Hat

**I'm not sure where this came from.**  
**I suppose if I knew someone like Tobi I would want to kill him too.**  
**As always, rate and review :)**

* * *

Pein smirked in delight.  
He had invited the more sensible of each of his minions into the meeting room where they had begun to discuss a very serious topic.  
The likes of which were producing very pleasing results.  
Seated in chairs each around the long stone meeting table were: Itachi, Sasori, Kakuzu, Zetsu and Konan.  
They had been discussing and planning for hours now, trying to figure out the most intelligent and effective way to deal with the Akatsuki's most dangerous threat:  
Tobi.

"I still say we should put super glue on the inside of his mask. When he puts it on and cant get it off he will starve to death."

"I would agree Kakuzu if it weren't for the fact that he sleeps with it on."

"I don't see you coming up with any brilliant ideas, Itachi."

"Please be quiet children, if my ear weren't made of wood they would be bleeding."

Konan stood and waved for everyone to be silent. Smiling fondly at them all she created a hat of paper and flew several slips towards each person present.

"Write down your ideas and we will draw them out of the hat."

Konan's words were met with nods of the head and general acceptance.  
Pulling out the specially made Akatsuki style pens they were required to carry, they all got to work writing down their ideas.

* * *

After a few minutes when everyone had folded their paper and put them in the hat, Konan placed her hand over the top and shook it.  
When she was satisfied that the papers were mixed at complete random, she pulled out the first note.  
And frowned.

"Take Tobi to the market and sell him… I'm assuming this is yours Kakuzu…?"

The miser nodded, delighted that his idea had been picked.  
Konan sighed and scrunched up the note before throwing it over her shoulder.  
Placing her hand back in the hat she pulled out a second note.  
A tense silence filled the room.

"…Itachi… I don't think sending Tobi to Sasuke to "teach him how to hate" is very appropriate…"

"It would work though," Sasori piped up, "I didn't know true hate until I met Tobi."

Shaking her head Konan drew yet another piece of paper out of her hat.  
What she read made her eye twitch uncontrollably.  
She closed her eyes and grit her teeth before growling,

"Pein… I can barely deal with 6 of you… There is no way you are making Tobi one of your bodies."

The men sitting around the table glanced between the two in carefully hid amusement and anticipation.  
No doubt this was going to result in another oh-so-famous Konan/Pein standoff.  
Pein narrowed his eyes at Konan and opened his mouth to rebut before she cut him off with:

"I SAID NO!"

Pein jumped back in his seat a little and watched cautiously as Konan glared at him, papers on her body rustling and blue hair flaring out before picking another note.

" Poison him… I think that could work…"

Nods of agreement and shrugs followed her announcement.  
Sasori stood up triumphantly and declared with a stoner-ish smile that he would be able to make the poison and slip it into one of Tobi's juice boxes.  
Standing up quietly Pein nodded and motioned to everyone that the meeting was over before rushing out of the hall, glancing over his back to see if Konan was chasing him.


	2. Poison

Sasori was crouched behind the black leather couch in the lounge room.  
His hands grasped the sides as he peeked over carefully and looked into the adjoining kitchen.  
On the counter sat one of Tobis juice boxes…  
There it sat, innocently waiting for Tobi to sip away at it.  
Little did the masked idiot know, Sasori had poisoned it.  
After drinking a few mouthfuls, allergens in the poison would cause Tobi to have an anaphylactic attack where upon his esophagus would constrict and tighten, quickly and effectively suffocating him.

Sasori smirked.  
He had it all worked out.  
The rest of the Akatsuki were safely out of the way,  
Itachi, Konan, Kakuzu, Zetsu and Pein promised to stay away from the kitchen, Sasori had made sure to attempt the murder on one of Hidans ritual days, and Deidara and Kisame had left the base to buy some chili in the nearby village.  
Although why, Sasori would never know…  
Deidara never was good with spicy food and going with Kisame is just asking for his food to be spiked.  
For someone so explosive, Deidara had a low tolerance to hot food.

Shaking his head and rolling his eyes, Sasori returned his attention to the juice box.  
Tobi would be coming along anytime now…  
_Perhaps we will finally get to see his face when we burn his body…?_  
The sound of skipping and irritatingly loud humming came from down the hall.  
Sasori ducked behind the couch just as Tobi entered the room in the same manner he always did:  
Jumping and screaming at the top of his lungs.  
A silence descended upon the room and for a second Sasori was sure he had been spotted.

"MY JUICE!"

Peeking back over the couch, Sasori grinned in anticipation, his excitement threatening to choke and overwhelm him.  
It seemed to be in slow motion…  
Tobi grasped the juice box lovingly before fiddling with the plastic covering the straw.  
He fumbled for a few seconds before taking off his glove and tearing it off expertly.  
Sasoris heart raced, as Tobi poked the straw through the foil opening on top of the box.  
When he lifted the bottom of his orange mask and slipped the straw up and out of view, Sasori mentally fisted the air.  
Suddenly a wild scream filled the silence, accompanied by manic laughter and a door slamming.  
Sasori barely had time to register what was going on before a rush of blonde crashed into the kitchen.

Deidaras tongue hung out of his mouth and he looked around desperately, his long hair knocking over cups and dirty dishes piled up on the kitchen counter.  
Tobi had lowered the juice box from his mouth and tilted his head to the side in curiosity at his sempai.  
Kisame entered the room behind them, grinning and holding a Styrofoam box containing chili.  
Looking back at his partner, Sasori could swear he saw smoke sizzling from the blondes tongue.  
Deidara suddenly stopped flailing and jumping and his gaze hit Tobi like a train.  
Tobi put his arms up in defense as his favorite sempai tackled him to the ground and out of sight only to emerge seconds later, with the juice box held above his head triumphantly.  
Sasoris eyes grew wide as Deidara tore the entire top half of the box off and downed it in one go.

All was silent…

Kisame held his fist in front of his face to stop his giggling before his line of sight focused on Sasori.  
Mouth opened in silent horror, brown eyes wide, and hands fisting his red hair Sasori was frozen to the spot.  
Tilting his head, the Kirigakure Swordsman frowned and glanced back to Deidara who scowled at him.

"Kisame, un! How could you do that? You know I don't like chili, yeah!"

"And yet you fall for it everytime…"

"Shut up, un! Just shu-"

A strange gurgling noise erupted from the blonde terrorists gut before he could continue.  
His breathing started to become slightly erratic and he looked at Kisame, head tilted and gasped,

"I don't feel so good, yeah…"

Immediately after he uttered the last syllable, Deidara fell to the floor grasping at his throat.  
His eyes bulged and his breath sounded like liquid being sucked through a straw.  
Kisame jumped in shock and he and Tobi rushed to his side hastily.

Sasori scowled as the two men leaned over the suffocating terrorist.  
He should have known something, somehow his plan would fail…  
Tobi was invincible by way of Luck and co-incidence.  
It crossed his mind that maybe if he just let Deidara suffocate, he wouldn't have to put up with his insolence anymore.  
Saori must have grinned because Deidara began to point at him with an accusing look as he fought for air.  
_I suppose I cant let him die… Then I would be paired with… Tobi…  
_Sasori shuddered in horror and with a sigh, stood up and walked over to Deidara to give him the antidote.

Operation: Kill Tobi – Attempt One…

Failure

* * *

**So there you have it.**  
**Attempt number one.**  
**As always, Rates and reviews are always appreciated :D**


	3. The Second Meeting

**I know this chapter is short but I think I will need a while to figure out how I am going to go about the next one...**  
**Read on and I'm sure you realise why...**

* * *

In the brooding darkness of the meeting room, Pein glared angrily at Sasori.  
The poisoning attempt had been an abysmal failure nearly resulting in the death of the blonde terrorist.  
Tobi was useless. Deidara was not.  
Sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose, Pein gazed warily at the members of Operation: Kill Tobi.

"Does anyone else have any bright ideas?"

Pein looked to Itachi, one of the wisest of the Akatsuki and was irked to find that the Uchiha did not pipe up with an idea immediately as Pein had expected him to.  
Instead, Itachi looked at Kakuzu,  
Kakuzu looked at Sasori,  
Sasori looked at Zetsu,  
Zetsu looked at Konan.  
There was a brief silence.  
Simultaneously they all shrugged.

Pein scowled.  
It looked like they would have to return to fishing notes out of Konans paper hat.  
Motioning a finger to Konan, the blue haired kunoichi stood and took his place at the head of the table.  
A flutter of papers peeled themselves off of her cloak and wrapped themselves around each other to form the ever-so-famous paper hat.

"I still have your idea's written down. Since Sasoris plan failed I'm going to take his idea out of the hat and draw someone elses."

Sasoris head hung in shame and Kakuzu patted his back in comfort as a piece of paper drifted out of the hat and gently returned to Konan's cloak.  
The paper hat was shaken violently before the bluenette squeezed her eyes shut and pulled out a note.  
None of the idea's were very good, but they were coming from the wisest of the Akatsuki so…  
Peeking through one hesitantly opening eye, Konan groaned as she read the note.  
At least this will keep Tobi away from the base for a few days…  
Sighing, but not really knowing how to avoid the inevitable, Konan read:

"Tobi shall be sent to my Foolish Little Brother. He shall be his mentor in learning the art of 'hatred'"

Itachi perked up as his idea was read, clearly excited by the prospect.  
Pein however, smacked himself in the face and buried his head in his hands.  
"There is no possible way that this can work…" he mumbled under his breath.

"Do you have something to add, Pein?"

The orange haired God glared angrily at Konan and Itachi before shaking his head.


	4. Death by Mail Man

**Ok so chapter 4 was up quicker than I thought.**  
**I dont really have much to add on the matter...**  
**So enjoy the randomness**

* * *

Itachi approached Tobi cautiously.  
Despite having an IQ with double figures, Tobi was dangerous in very unorthodox ways.  
The Uchiha checked the situation from several different angles before determining the area safe to enter.  
Tobi sat on the lounge room floor surrounded by toy cars and small figurines that the orange masked man had begged Sasori to make for him.

Itachi stepped around one of the black leather couches and stood silently.  
The man before him was going to die.  
And it was all so simple.

After being sent to his foolish little brother, Tobi would proceed to annoy the living daylights out of Sasuke.  
The young Uchiha had quite a short temper these days.  
Or so they were told by Orochimaru who constantly continued to enter the base for tea and biscuits every Tuesday.  
Pein still had no idea how he managed it.

After a brief encounter with his foolish little brother, Tobi would meet his end via Chidori, Katon no jutsu or whatever other creative device Sasuke had at his disposal.  
The red eyed Uchiha snickered lightly.  
Tobi, upon hearing this, finally realized Itachi was behind him and jumped up in happiness.

"Itachi-sama! Will you play with me?"

Itachi twitched as several innuendos replayed throughout his mind.  
He shook his head.  
Deidara and Hidan had been negatively influencing his thoughts lately.

"Yes. We are going to play hide-and-seek. I will be the seeker. Go and hide."

"Oh but… Itachi-sama, Tobi doesn't want to pla-"

"NOW!"

Leaping from his spot on the ground, Tobi rushed from the room, arms held out in front of him.  
Several loud noises told the Uchiha that the orange masked Akatsuki was running towards the far end of the base.  
Itachi smirked before walking calmly into the kitchen and popping the kettle on.  
He tapped his fingers against the flat surface of the bench to the tune of "_I'm Blue (Da Ba Dee)_"

Kisame had been influencing his thoughts as well...

After the water had boiled and his coffee had been made, Itachi cupped his mug in his hands and returned to the lounge room.  
He leaned his head against the head rest, closed his eyes and sighed in bliss.

Soon there would be one less annoying, noisy criminal in the hideout.  
Whenever Tobi played hide and seek he always hid in the same room – Orochimarus old lab.  
Before setting his plan into action, Itachi had set up a giant wardrobe in the decrepit room.

He had asked Deidara and Sasori to paint it rainbow and draw little lolly pops and the likes over it.  
Despite the strange looks the resident artists gave him, Itachi felt a euphoria erupting inside him.  
Tobi would inevitably be drawn to the wardrobe and in his haste to hide in it, wouldn't notice the trip wires and electric cage Itachi had installed.

The trap would snap shut on Tobi and electrocute him into unconsciousness.  
During which time the Uchiha would place him in a cardboard box (with a supply of lolly pops) and mail him to his Foolish Little Brother.

A slow and rhythmic thumping sounded down the hallway and into the lounge room.  
Itachis ears twitched in recognition of the sound and he snapped out of his train of thought.  
He opened his eyes slightly to find a Kisame looking down on him from across the room.  
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Shark grinned at Itachi, showing off his razorblade smile.

"I haven't seen you look this happy in a while. What brought this about?"

Itachi was about to reply when from somewhere in the base, a loud snap was heard accompanied by a scream.  
He grinned evilly.  
Step one of his plan had succeeded.

* * *

Sasori wasn't particularly pleased to be escorting a large, gift wrapped box in Hiruko.  
It made the puppet heavier than usual and Sasori had better things to do with his time.  
But the thought of being rid of Tobi convinced him that it was worth the long trip to the Post Office.

Somehow, Itachi had managed to capture the orange-faced idiot in a cardboard box which he and Pein proceeded to gift wrap and force into Sasoris large puppet.

He had to admit, it was a pretty enticing looking gift.

It had been decorated with candy-cane wrapping paper (left over from Christmas) strung together with a giant purple ribbon and topped off with a large white bow.  
Itachi and Sasori had joked that the horrible color scheme matched Orochimarus hideous fashion sense.

The present was addressed as follows:

_To Sasuke Uchiha,  
The Village Hidden in the Sound (AKA Emo Farm)  
Love Itachi Uchiha_

WARNING: Fragile.

They wouldn't want Tobi to get hurt after all…  
Sasoris wooden face threatened to break as he grinned at the thought of Orochimarus horror upon opening the 'gift'.

* * *

When Sasori returned to the base he was met with silence.  
Blissful, blissful silence.  
Even though Deidara, Kisame and Hidan had no idea what was going on, they seemed to take note of their partners quiet happiness and followed suit.  
Itachi smiled softly to the puppet as he sat in the leather chair across from him.  
Sasori smirked back happily and lay back with his hands behind his head.

"That takes care of that."

* * *

**At The Village Hidden in the Sound:**

* * *

"Open it Sasuke!"

"Don't open it Sasuke!"

"It could be a cake!"

"It could be a trap!"

"Its from your brother!"

"Its from your brother…"

"WOULD YOU BOTH SHUT IT!"

A vein was visibly popping out of the young Uchihas head as he grit his teeth irritably.  
This little argument between Orochimaru and Kabuto had been going on way too long for his liking.  
Ever since he had received this damn present in the mail the two of them have been squabbling back and forth like the idiots they are.

Kabuto was convinced that everything that had anything to do with the Akatsuki, namely Itachi, had to be violent, dangerous, scary or evil in every sense, shape and form.

Orochimaru on the other hand, was excited at the prospect of his favorite person sending them mail.  
He had been trying to establish a pen pal relationship with Itachi ever since he was kicked out of the Akatsuki.

Glancing back and forth between the two supposedly evil and insane criminals, Sasuke shook his head and reached to open the envelope attached to the side of the gift.  
Orochimaru squealed happily and glanced over Sasukes shoulder to read along with him while Kabuto slowly backed into a corner, scalpel raised defensively.

_Dear Sasuke,  
I hope you find this more useful in your quest for hatred than I have.  
Love your favorite brother,  
Itachi._

Sasuke scowled at the thought of Itachi being his 'favorite' anything and cautiously looked the box over once more.  
It was unlikely his brother had sent him something that was _actually_ dangerous.  
In all probability, the most dangerous thing about the box was its horrible color scheme.  
Honestly… Who would dress _anything _in white and purple? Especially when candy canes are involved...

Finger to his chin, Sasuke tilted his head in thought while Orochimaru and Kabuto looked at him with puppy dog eyes, each silently begging that Sasuke deny the others wishes.

Rubbing his fore head and sighing, the boy held out his hand to Kabuto.  
The grey haired medic hesitated for a second but upon seeing the look in Sasukes eyes, quickly handed over his scalpel.  
Sasuke nodded and carefully cut the ribbon and bow off the large box.  
The three of them froze and waited for something to happen.

After a few seconds the men exchanged glances before Sasuke cut the rest of the (horrible) wrapping paper off the box and hesitantly cut the tape holding the cardboard tabs together.  
Drawing in an anxious breath, Sasuke quickly pulled the tabs away and opened the box to reveal its contents.

"WHAT THE FU-"

* * *

**Not the end of the series I'm afraid.**  
**Be glad, or horrified.**  
**Rates and reviews always appreciated :)**


	5. Tobi's Return From Emo Farm

**Aha. So another update.**  
**I suppose this chapter was inspired by well...**  
**Actually I'm not sure.**  
**Never mind!**  
**On with the story!**

* * *

The peace and quiet following Tobis disappearance was appreciated to its fullest extent.  
Deidara, Kisame and Hidan still had no idea where the masked nuisance had disappeared to and neither did they seem to care.

The Akatsuki sat together in the lounge room, laid back and relaxed against the black leather couches that had made Kakuzu cry upon their purchase.

They sighed simultaneously.

Oh yes, this was much better.  
It had been three days since Itachi mailed Tobi to The Village Hidden in the Sound.  
Despite Konan's skeptical demeanor upon the plan being announced, she had to hand it to the man.  
Itachi really was a genius.

With any amount of luck, Tobi would annoy Orochimaru, Sasuke and Kabuto to death before running out of lollypops and starving to death, himself.

His absence from the base had put the entire Akatsuki into a good mood.  
Hidan and Kakuzu had stopped fighting.  
Deidara and Sasori had put their views on art aside.  
Zetsu had decided to let the senbon chewing Konoha shinobi he captured live upon declaring he no longer felt that he needed to eat human flesh.  
Sir Leader had granted Kisames request for a week long holiday.  
Konan had been getting along with Pein and they no longer had their daily standoff.  
And Itachi hadn't activated his Mangekyou Sharingan a single time since Tobi had left.

Pein suddenly stood up and gained the attention of the Akatsuki.  
He smiled, much too every ones shock and surprise.  
Sighing happily, he started reciting a speech he had prepared the previous night.  
The descent of peace among the Akatsuki had shocked him into an epiphany.

If the Akatsuki could experience peace, why couldn't everyone else?

He no longer felt the need to fight the other shinobi nations and decided that he would end the Akatsuki.  
Of course, they would all still live together, being missing nin and wanted criminals, but they would no longer hunt tailed beasts and kill the shinobi that stood in their way.  
Smiling again, Pein began with, "Good morning everyone."

His politeness was not lost on the Akatsuki but being too happy to dwell on it, they simply smiled back and enthusiastically returned the greeting.

"First off, I would like to congratulate Itachi for his life altering idea-" Appreciative applause sounded and Hidan cheered, still with no idea why. "-Secondly, I would like to announce something that will change the way we all live. I have put a lot of thought into this and have decided that it is for the best."

He grinned at the S-rank ninja, spread his arms out wide and continued,

"As of today I am putting an end to the Aka-"

"**PEIN-SAMA**!"

The Akatsuki paused and darkness descended upon them in recognition of that horrible voice.  
They turned around slowly and gazed in dread at the orange masked man who stood in the door way jumping up and down in excitement.  
Zetsu abruptly left the room, mumbling about being hungry.

"Orochimaru-sama and Kabuto-san gave me this letter for you!"

He held out a letter with his gloved hand and rushed over to Pein.  
The God stood, mouth agape staring at Tobi.  
Coming to his senses, he scowled and snatched the letter from his hand.  
He grit his teeth as he opened it, eyeing Tobi out of the corner of his eye.  
Opening the note, Pein pulled out the letter.  
The more he read, the more angry he became.

* * *

_Dear Pein and Akatsuki._

_Thank you for your… gift..._  
_We return it humbly however, because instead of teaching Sasuke to 'hate' as your letter dictated it would, it has merely made him suicidal._

_After attempting to hang himself,_  
_Drown himself,_  
_Set himself on fire,_  
_Strangle himself,_  
_Cut himself,_  
_Impale himself,_  
_Jump off a building,_  
_Offer himself to a lion at the zoo,_  
_Inject himself with a flesh eating disease Kabuto was working on,_  
_Blow himself up,_  
_Poison himself and finally taunt Manda into swallowing him, we decided that having your gift around was just not safe._

_We appreciate the thought bu- **DON'T EVER SEND ME SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN! WHEN I SEE YOU NEXT ITACHI I AM GOING TO BRUTALLY TORTURE YOU, YOU STUPID STUPID MAN!**_

_Love, Orochimaru_  
**_AND SASUKE!  
_**

* * *

Pein passed the letter to Itachi who scowled and pocketed it.

"Good idea, _Uchiha"  
_  
Itachi turned to glare at Sasori who drew out his last name in a cruel taunt.  
The puppet sat sneering with his arms crossed, a visible vein throbbing in his head.

"I didn't see your idea work either, _Sasori_."

Sasori gave Itachi the finger and proceeded to argue further before being cut off by Kakuzu.

"Both of your ideas were stupid and cost us money, if we had of gone with _my _idea, this wouldn't have happened."

The puppet and the raven haired genius turned to glare at the miser.  
Pein interjected his opinion before they could speak again.

"If someone is to be blamed then blame Konan, it was her idea to draw notes out of a hat instead of discussing it like normal people."

Konan threw a paper kunai at Pein, who ducked as it sailed passed him to hit Hidan in the neck.  
Thinking it had been Kakuzu, who was sitting beside him, Hidan lashed out at the miser.

"What's wrong with you, you stupid fuck! I don't know what stupid shit you've been doing in your spare time, but don't take it out on me, asshole!"

He swung his three bladed scythe around, missing Kakuzu and scratching Deidaras arm who stood and faced Hidan darkly.

"Do you want to become my ultimate art, un? I'll blow you away, yeah!"

Hidan growled at the blonde artist and made several rude gestures.  
Sasori crossed his arms and scoffed from behind the blonde.

"What you make isn't art. It's an abomination."

"SCREW YOU SASORI-DANNA!"

Deidara threw a clay bomb at Sasori, who deflected with his hand, sending it in the direction of Itachi.  
The Uchiha stood up abruptly as the small bomb exploded and activated his Mangekyou Sharingan threateningly at Sasori and Deidara.

Kisame stood between the growling puppet and a glaring Itachi but as fireballs and poison kunai began flying, he only got caught in the cross fire.

In seconds, a brawl started.

The angry Akatsuki upturned furniture, smashed lights and scorched the walls in a violent attempt to kill each other.

Itachi and Kisame were battling Sasori and Deidara while dodging blows from a furious grey haired priest and an angry miser.  
Pein and Konan fought in their own little corner, explosive tags and sharpened chakra rods flying in all directions.

Several seconds passed before Pein whistled and his other 5 bodies joined the fight.  
The lounge room was enveloped in all round carnage as the 13 angry S-ranked missing-nin fought it out.

Tobi watched from the doorway, head tilted in curiosity before shrugging and bouncing off to his room.

* * *

**So there you have it.**  
**The latest chapter.**  
**As always, rates and reviews are appreciated.  
They unnecessarily boost my ego and motivate me to write more**  
**:D**


	6. The Aftermath of the Battle

**So Chapter 6.**  
**The after math of the fight - the new plan - and something else... I think.**  
**I'm not very good at being dramatic.**  
**Whatever.**  
**Enjoy!**

* * *

The leader of the Akatsuki sat at the end of the stone meeting table.  
One arm was propped on the table holding an ice pack to a swollen and bruised eye whilst the other clenched the sleeve of his cloak until his knuckles were white.  
Pein glared at the members of Operation: Kill Tobi.  
After the last attempt failed abysmally, resulting in an organization wide brawl, no one had been in a good mood.

Itachis hair stood at a gravity defying angle after one of Deidaras bombs exploded in his face, but he was otherwise unscathed.  
He had Tsukuyomi'd anyone who came too close which had eventually won him the fight.

Sasori had one arm missing and chips and scratches in his usually flawless wooden body.  
He had replaced a large portion of his hair after Deidara decided that instead of it being a partners-against-partners fight, it had become a free-for-all and had let off a particularly large bomb near puppet masters head.

Kakuzu had lost two of his hearts and his mask was torn, he glared back and forth at Itachi and Sasori.  
He had woken up to Hidans angry screams after being Tsukuyomi'd and had had a splitting head ache ever since.

Konan growled at Pein with narrowed eyes as she wincingly rubbed the scorch marks on her left arm and shoulder.  
Instead of helping her like he should have, her still-to-be-confirmed boyfriend had ganged up on her with two more of his bodies.

Zetsu stood off to the side as usual, looking smug and cocky as he was the only one who avoided the fight.

"Why…?"

The dangerously quiet words of Sir Leader caught everyone's attention.  
Pein had three 'angry' moods.  
One: Where he was irritated, but usually did nothing more than cross his arms and glare.  
Two: When he yelled and screamed until he had his way.  
And perhaps the most dangerous mood of all, when he quietly talks under his breath and plots your demise from a distance.

"Why is it so difficult for us to kill an idiot in an orange mask with the attention span of a goldfish, a fetish for lolly pops, practically no useful abilities at all and the brain of a 3 year old?"

He spoke through gritted teeth and the men (and woman) sitting at the table unconsciously tilted away from his darkening aura.  
No one spoke for several minutes as each shinobi went over their mistakes in their head.

A pattering of footsteps sounded outside the room and disappeared back down the hallway.  
Several seconds passed before an ear splitting explosion blew the door off its hinges.  
No one flinched.  
Pein growled as Deidara, Kisame and Hidan burst through the smoldering doorway.

"I know you told us not to interrupt your meeting, yeah, but we need to discuss something important, un."

Sir Leader waved his arms in exasperation and rolled his eyes into his head.  
NOTHING was more important of getting rid of Tobi.

"Don't give us that fucking look. This is about getting rid of that lollypop faced fucker. This is important, asshole."

Every member of Operation: Kill Tobi shot their heads up the instant the last word escaped Hidans mouth.  
Pein looked the three immature men up and down skeptically.

"That is what we are discussing. You three have no chance of killing him. We have already tried and our brilliant plans have all failed."

Kisame tilted his head and glanced sideways to Deidara and Hidan before hesitantly clearing his throat and politely asking,  
"So, what have you tried?"  
He was met with moans and sobs from the rest of the Akatsuki as they reminisced over the past week.  
Pein threw his hands up in the air in annoyance before slumping back into his chair and staring at the ceiling, no longer having the will to speak.  
Itachi calmly replied to his partner,

"We tried to make him choke on his juice and then we mailed him to Sasuke."

Stunned silence filled the room as everything with a pulse turned to look at Itachi with raised eyebrows.  
_Well sure when you put it like that…_ Kisame thought.  
Deidara shook his head and pointed at Pein,

"That is stupid, un! I could have just blown him up!"

"I could have sacrificed the little shit."

"I could have drowned him with my water jutsu…"

Pein raised an eyebrow before slapping himself and head butting the table.  
He slumped forward and his figure seemed to shrink ever so slightly.  
Kisame was sure he heard little sobs emanating from his normally ominous form.  
The Akatsuki exchanged glances, none of them willing to say a thing.  
Deidara, impudent bastard that he was and ever so competitive with Itachi, turned to the Uchiha and smirked,

"So, you mailed him to Sasuke, un…"

Itachi glared at the blonde and bit his tongue before he could make a snide remark.  
Uchihas don't swear… Unless necessary.  
Sasori sent a kunai flying at his young partner in annoyance.  
Unlike Deidara, Sasori had a healthy respect for Itachi.

"It worked for 3 whole days, brat. If you were so dead-set on killing Tobi why didn't you do it in the first place?"

Deidara scowled and crossed his arms, making it clear he had no intentions of answering.  
Sasori rolled his eyes ad turned to glance at Pein.  
Sir Leader was now slumped forward with his chin on the table supporting him.  
His eyelids hung half closed in weariness and he slowly moved his gaze between the three men who had barged into his meeting.  
He had to admit, the way Itachi put it made them seem like idiots for doing what they did.  
Sighing through his nose, Pein closed his eyes and came to a decision.

"Fine. Deidara, Hidan, Kisame, I am giving you the job of killing Tobi. If you succeed I will double your pay."

His statement was met with whoops and cries of joy.

"NOW GET GOING!"

* * *

**As always, rates and reviews are GREATLY appreciated.**  
**And thanks to Naruto-Neko for informing me of my spelling mistakes etc :D**


	7. Explosions

**Okie Dokie.**  
**So this is Deidaras attempt which is kinda part one in a three part mini series I suppose.**  
**After this will come Kisame and Hidans attempts.**  
**I warn you... Expect the... Slightly-maybe-not-really-who-knows?-I-dont unexpected.**  
**Soooo enjoy and leave your reviews, ratings, complaints or pathetic excuses after the beep!**

* * *

Deidara crouched in a bend in the dim light of the hallway.  
He peeked his head around the corner every now and then at the slightest noise, waiting for the orange masked bastard to (figuratively) show his face.

His plan was… Slightly… more reliable than mailing him to Sasuke or making him choke on juice.  
It was crude, but effective.  
The entire hallway from the kitchen to the beginning of the bedrooms was rigged with explosives.  
Several chakra threads were loosely draped from wall to wall that acted as trip wires.  
The second Tobi tripped a thread, Deidara had set up a little bell that would go off just down the hall, where he was sitting now.  
The time it took Deidara to form a hand seal and detonate the explosion would roughly be the same time that Tobi was right in the middle of the literal mine field.  
The roof would collapse, burying him underneath a ton of rock.  
A manic grin crossed the Iwa nins face as he imagined screams and cries as Tobis body was crushed and splintered.

Time to pay the little bastard back for all the sleepless nights and horrible days he had forced upon the blonde.  
Deidara grimaced.  
He especially wanted him dead after Tobi had given him the nickname "The Blonde Bombshell"  
Sure it might have been fitting (and maybe even flattering) but the fact remains, Hidan still mocked him with it.

Though his plan was seriously dangerous, Deidara wasn't stupid – a fact he proved in last weeks bet with Pein. (Refer to Pein and Deidaras Little Game)  
He had notified the entire Akatsuki of his plans.  
Pein was skeptical and only grudgingly agreed when Konan shot him a dirty look.  
He had individually spoken to each and every one of the Akatsuki, informing them that if they walk through the hallway, they will die.  
And if they didn't, Deidara would kill them for ruining his plan.  
If the scheme worked, not only would the masked idiot be dead, Deidara would get a pay rise!  
_Brilliant, yeah!  
_  
Flicking a stray piece of blonde hair that fell into his face out of the way, Deidara quickly peeked around the corner again.  
He had been waiting for quite a few hours now and though he was willing to put in the time if it meant earning a few more hours sleep at night, he was seriously starting to get bored.  
Flicking rocks at the wall had kept him entertained for a little while, but like everything else, had eventually gotten old.

Deidara sighed.  
Of all the things he could be doing right now…

A vague sound made his ears prick.  
Ceasing all noise he was making, Deidara strained to hear it again.  
To his delight, footsteps were heard gradually coming closer to the hallway.  
He quickly adjusted himself and sat crossed legged with his back against the wall.  
The distance between his hands closed in a seal as the soft thumping grew louder.  
He closed his eyes and a smile of pure evil crossed his features.  
_Just a little more, un…_

The thumping stopped suddenly and Deidaras brow furrowed.  
_Come on, un… Just a bit closer… Let me blow you to pieces you fucking idiot, yeah…  
_As if hearing his words, the footsteps started up again and the adrenaline and excitement brewing in the blonde increased rapidly.  
_Any second now, un…_  
As if teasing him, the footsteps, started and slowed, shuffling around before getting louder again.  
The little bell above his head dinged and Deidara jumped to his feet ecstatically.  
_Finally, un!_

"KATSU!"

A strangled cry of surprise was heard briefly before the thundering noise of an explosion.  
The hallway rumbled and shook as though an earthquake was bearing down upon them.  
Deidara grasped the wall as best he could as the ground rippled below him.  
Rocks and boulders of all shapes and sizes fell from the ceiling and Deidara had to relocate further down the hallway or risk being crushed himself.  
He hoped to whatever deity that existed that he hadn't accidentally miscalculated and detonated more clay than necessary.  
Leader-sama wouldn't like it if they all died.  
Eventually, the noise and rumbling stopped and Deidara glanced wearily at the rock pile before him.  
A few seconds later, a massive grin adorned his face.  
_Pay rise achieved, un!_

Several shouts of surprise and shock sounded from the bedrooms.  
Most of the Akatsuki piled out of their rooms in fright.  
They all knew Deidaras plan in theory but experiencing it was frightening on its own.

Several of the missing nins raced around the bend, took one look at Deidara standing triumphantly next to a pile of giant rocks that now inhabited the hallway, and whooped and shouted with joy.  
Sure the hallway was blocked, but Tobi was gone!  
High fives were given all around and even Itachi seemed lit up with happiness.  
Sasori and Kakuzu were linking arms and skipping in circles singing "Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead", while Kisame patted Deidara on the back, nearly sending the man sprawling and Itachi gave a nod of congratulations.  
_Nothing can ruin this moment,_ thought Deidara, _nothing, un!_

"What's happened here! Woaaaaaaaaaaaahh, what's going on Deidara-sempai!"

The dancing stopped. The laughter stopped. The surprise grew.  
Everyone glanced at Deidara, who was the only person facing away from the rockslide with a visible view of who had just interrupted the excitement.  
Although no one doubted they knew who it was.  
The blonde terrorist could do nothing but point, mouth agape at the man he was sure he had just killed.  
He had advised that no one go down the hallway today and EVERYONE had said they wouldn't.  
So unless he had accidentally snagged the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi or one of Kisames 'Fish-Friends', there was no reason for Tobi to still be alive.  
Sasori, Kakuzu, Itachi and Kisame turned around, sighing.  
The silence was as heavy as the boulders before someone spoke.

"Wait… If he is still here… Who did you get?"

Kisame asked a question that everyone was thinking, but no one was saying.  
A quick head count was done.  
Among the missing were Konan, Pein and Zetsu.  
Pein was on what he called 'super secret special awesome business' that no one else was allowed to know about, although Konan was fairly certain he was at a strip club.  
Konan had run out of paper and had gone on a journey to the nearby village to get more, although everyone else was fairly certain she was just going to yell at Pein.  
No one ever knew where Zetsu was…  
Several looks were cast around the now silent group.  
Finger to his chin thoughtfully, Sasori murmured,

"I cant help but think we missed someone…"

A deep groan and shifting was heard under the rubble.  
Deidara glanced at Sasori.  
The remaining Akatsuki immediately rushed away from the rock pile-up, through the kitchen and living room and into the hallways entrance on the other side.  
A broken and bleeding hand stuck out of the rocks and the Akatsuki gasped as the fingers wiggled and the wrist moved around.  
Several moans were heard and the Akatsuki glanced at each other blankly.

"When I get the fuck out of this fucking shithole I'm going to fuck up the useless fuck the caused this fucking cave-in!"

Deidara face-palmed.  
_Oh… That's who we missed, un…  
_It took 20 minutes and four of the Akatsuki to dig Hidan out of the rubble.  
Kakuzu thought it was all terribly funny and offered to buy Deidaras next batch of clay.  
Everyone else was just annoyed.  
When Hidan was finally freed, he look at the group furiously. He looked intense.  
Hair a mess, cuts and scrapes adorning his face and clothes shredded to the point that he might as well have been wearing nothing but short-shorts.  
Taut muscles and bare skin greeted their previously innocent eyes.  
Deidara couldn't help but stare, a tiny nosebleed starting up.  
The greasy haired priest glared at the blonde and narrowed his eyes.  
The lack of physical ouchies meant that Hidan was seriously pissed.  
Deidara pressed his forefingers together and gave him an apologetic look.

"WHAT THE FUCK BLONDIE! I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO 'OFF' SOMEONE ELSE, NOT ME YOU STUPID, FUCKING ARSEHOLE!"

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO IN THE HALLWAY, UN! Why did you go down there if you knew it was going to blow, yeah!"

Hidan looked taken aback and scratched the back of his neck thoughtfully, all signs of anger rapidly fading away.

"You did tell me that didnt you? Seriously?"

Deidara glared his answer 'yes' back at him.  
Hidan chuckled awkwardly and glanced uneasily between the seething blonde, his amused partner, and an annoyed Itachi, Kisame and Sasori.  
To the exasperation of everyone present he replied,

"Guess I fucking forgot…"

* * *

**Beeeeeep!**


	8. Water Woes

**Part 2!**  
**Ok so this is Kisames attempt at killing Tobi... **  
**So far, he is the closest to succeeding.**  
**Rates and reviews appreciated.**  
**But its probably next chapter that has all the drama...**

* * *

It had taken Kisame two days.  
Two days of tirelessly digging before the floor in Tobis room was six meters below its previous state – ground level.  
He had made sure to put his plan into action while Tobi was out, otherwise the idiot MIGHT notice his lack of furniture and rapidly lowering floor, but who knows… This WAS Tobi.

Kisames efforts meant that anyone who stepped into Tobis room now would fall six meters to the ground.  
After that, Kisame would use his water jutsu to flood the hole as well as lowering a metal cage onto the water so that surfacing was impossible.  
Despite the insults he received, Kisame wasn't stupid.  
Nobody went into Tobis room but Tobi ANYWAY, but he wasn't taking any chances.  
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Shark was going to camp outside his door for a week if it meant drowning the little bastard.

It had been a day since he had begun sitting out the front of the little orange door waiting for the orange faced man.  
Itachi had appreciated his efforts and brought the fish-man drinks and snacks on occasion to prolong his hunger and thirst.  
Good thing too.  
How long does it take before someone goes into their own room?  
Despite his determination, Kisame was seriously getting bored and irritated.  
_Anytime now Tobi…  
_It must be like a summoning charm.  
Say Tobis name three times and he shall appear or something of the sort…

To Kisames relief and plot convenience, Tobi bounced around the corner and waved to the blue man before entering his room.  
Kisame heard a cry of surprise and a thud.  
Just to be sure, he opened the door and gazed down into the room.  
Sure enough, Tobi was picking himself off the ground and looking around in confusion.  
Kisame triggered the button that lowered the metal trap and released his water jutsu.  
The man in the mask shrieked and tried to flee the rapidly filling room to no avail.  
A dark rectangular patch on the opposite wall caught Kisames eye briefly before he turned his head back to Tobi.  
When the water was waist high, Kisame left the room and shut the door.  
He hated the little guy sure, but he didn't want to watch him die.  
The gurgling and bubbling of water on the other side continued.

One by one, the rest of the Akatsuki gathered by the door and stood silently with Kisame.  
They knew that after so many failures, he would not fail to make sure Tobi died this time.

By the time the water started gently flowing under the door and into the hallway, the entire organization had shown up, including the Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi, Kisames friend Jaws, Orochimaru, Kabuto and Sasuke.  
"We wanted to enjoy the moment" they had said.  
For this particular occasion, no one seemed to mind their presence.  
Although they were still confused about how Orochimaru knew about the drowning AND managed to infiltrate the base in the first place.

After 5 minutes had passed, Pein smirked and declared Tobi officially dead.  
Everyone, in a good mood given the circumstances invited their guests to stay for dinner.  
Although, this may have also been partially because Orochimaru was the only person in a 10km radius that could cook.  
Chatting happily, the Akatsuki and their guests headed towards the lounge room for celebratory drinks.  
Standing in their way however, dripping wet and rocking back and forth on his feet, was Tobi.

"WHAT THE FUCK! SERIOUSLY! ARE YOU A JASHINIST AS WELL OR SOMETHING!"

"Holy shit…"

"What the…"

"How…?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, UN!"

Tobi happily grasped everyone in a hug.  
No one moved or said a word.  
How could this be?  
Kisame lowered the steel cage over the water.  
Even if it malfunctioned and didn't work Tobi would have had to come through his bedroom door and they would have seen him.  
And yet here he was in front of them, soaking wet and cheery as always.

"Why are you so wet, Tobi…?"

Pein decided to give the situation the I-don't-know-what-happened-even-though-I-do approach.  
Everyone rolled their eyes but Tobi seemed to buy it and gave Sir Leader another hug before replying,

"Kisame-san has been digging Tobi a hole in Tobis room for a few days.  
When Tobi went in his room today, he forgot the hole and fell to the bottom.  
Then Kisame-san filled Tobis room with water, so Tobi swam to the secret passageway that Tobi had made in the wall when Kisame-san wasn't watching and crawled out into the kitchen."

Pein shook his head in confusion, trying desperately to understand what Tobi just said.  
Kakuzu however, widened his eyes and rushed to the kitchen.

"Hang on, un… If you built a secret passageway in the bottom of your hole, which is just weird, un… And Kisame filled it with water… Doesn't that mean that your passageway flooded too, yeah…?"

Tobi nodded happily and replied,

"That's right Deidara-sempai! The water followed Tobi because Tobi is a good boy!"

Everyone stared at the masked man.  
Pein cleared his throat and sighed.  
Kisame shook his head.  
He would have noticed a secret 'passage way'. He wasn't stupid.  
Then it occurred to him, _the dark patch on the wall!_  
He gasped.  
The hole was 6 meters deep and 5 meters wide… when filled that equaled a lot of water.  
And if what Tobi said was correct, it was now spilling into the kitchen via his secret tunnel.  
Sure enough, a cry of shock came from said room and the Akatsuki followed Kakuzus footsteps hurriedly.

Tobis secret passageway, as it turns out, came out in the back of the pantry which now resembled a waterfall.  
Half of the kitchen was already flooded, cutlery and plates floated on the surface as Kakuzu desperately waded waist deep in water, trying to save the stash of money he had hidden behind the fridge.  
Pein blinked at the damage.  
A few heads turned nervously to Kisame who abruptly reversed his jutsu, sending the water away.  
Thuds and clatters sounded as floating objects hit the floor with a thump.  
Kakuzu, who had been floating on his stomach, hit his head on the corner of the fridge as he fell and whimpered in pain, curling up on the floor.

"Well… That didn't fucking work…"


	9. Hidans Success?

**Part 3: Hidans attempt**  
**You'll have to read it to find out but I'll tell you this much...**  
**Hidan probably has a degree of bragging rights over Itachi, Sasori, Deidara and Kisame now hahaha.  
If you squint, turn your head to both sides, move your computer closer and put glasses on, there may be a hint of Tobi/Deidara...**  
**But only maybe**  
**Rates and reviews are lovely and always appreciated!**

* * *

Hidan grinned.  
He had waited a whole week for this.  
The full moon was now gracing the skies and Hidan needed a sacrifice.  
I'll let you take a wild guess whom he had in mind.

For his murder mission, Hidan didn't need to clear the base or warn anyone, which was convenient really.  
Too much trouble, seriously.  
He had been searching the hideout for the masked screw up for about 10 minutes now and he was beginning to get irritated.  
Tobi didn't seem to be anywhere he would usually be.  
He wasn't in his room, which Sir Leader had ordered Kisame to fix…  
Nor was he in the kitchen, lounge room or Orochimarus old lab.  
Hidan grit his teeth.  
The little fuck had better come out soon, he wanted to start his ritual in the next half an hour.

Another 5 minute search yielded no results and Hidan growled and returned to his room to attain his scythe.  
Surprisingly _(and fucking conveniently)_ Tobi was already in there.  
The masked man jumped up from his spot on the floor in fright when Hidan entered the room, a book clutched to his chest.  
Both caught by surprise, Hidan and Tobi stared.  
Tobi scratched the back of his head, took a backwards step and placed a book on the makeshift altar that Hidan had constructed.

"Ummm… Is Tobi in trouble Hidan-sama…?"

Hidan grinned.  
He had forced Tobi into adding sama to the end of his name a few weeks ago.  
Nice to see he was still submissive.  
He would worry about which of Hidans books the little bastard had been reading later.  
Grabbing his scythe, Hidan smiled appealingly at Tobi.

"Nope. Not this fucking time. We're gonna have fun tonight, seriously!"

Tobi jumped in joy and rushed over to hug the Jashinist.  
In his haste, Tobi tripped and Hidans scythe made a small cut through the material on his shoulder, leaving a tiny drop of blood on the weapon.  
Despite the suffocating hug, Hidan could have laughed out loud while jumping for joy.  
_Its just too fucking easy…_  
Closing the door and tossing Tobi aside, the grey haired priest licked the blood off his scythe and stabbed himself in the hand.  
As the black and white skeletal markings on his body began to show, Hidan used his blood to paint the floor in the symbol of his faith.  
Once the circle had been completed, he tore off his shirt and cast it to the side.  
The excitement was seriously welling up in Hidan now.  
It was getting more and more difficult to contain himself.  
Tobi stood across the room, nursing his bleeding arm and silently scowling at his clumsiness.  
He watched curiously as Hidan grasped his pike from the altar and grinned crazily.  
The adrenaline rush was incredible.  
Never before had he felt so excited about a ritual.  
Grinning at Tobi, Hidan tried to keep the anticipation out of his voice as he asked,

"If you were to die right fucking now… What would your last words be?"

Tobi put a finger to his chin and silence eclipsed the room for a second.  
Hidan raised his arm, the pike towered above his head, ready for the kill.  
Tobi glanced back towards Hidan and shrugged.

"Tobi doesn't know Hidan-sama… Why did you ask?"

Hidan grinned manically as his eyeballs nearly popped out of his head.

"BECAUSE THOSE WERE YOUR LAST WORDS, ASSHOLE!"

The pike flew downwards and impaled itself through Hidans gut.  
His blood spattered Tobis mask as the Akatsukis greatest threat grasped his sides and screamed.  
Hidans smile grew wider as the front of Tobis black shirt grew wet with blood.  
Shuddering, ragged breaths shook from Tobis bent over form, blood flowing freely onto the ground.  
Soft sobs and cries of pain escaped the man as Hidan withdrew his pike and stabbed himself again.  
The pain was exquisite.  
Tobi cried out and gasped as another hole punctured his chest and painted the floor red.  
They stayed their position for a moment, the only sounds their ragged breaths and the drip of blood.

A knock at the door signaled that Deidara was here.  
Hidan had invited him to enter the room at 6pm sharp.  
The blonde man had initially been skeptical, assuming Hidan wanted to conduct a strange blood orgy ritual thing on him, but after having to swear on Jashin that he wouldn't hurt him, Hidan had managed to convince Deidara to accept his offer.

"Hey Hidan what did you want to show m-WHAT THE FUCK, UN!"

Deidara stood like a starfish. Chin nearly touching the floor and eyes uncomprehending.  
_No way had Hidan just succeeded… No way, un._  
Hidan grinned manically from across the room and ironically, flashed the peace sign with his bloodied fingers.  
Tobi glanced up to his sempai and Deidara could see the tears streaming out of his visible eye.  
Oh boy was he in pain.

"Sempai… Help Tobi… Please…"

Deidara couldn't tear his eyes away from the hunched form of Tobi.  
Death by explosion was quick and painless. You didn't see it coming and the last thing you saw in the split second before you passed, was a tiny glimpse of Deidaras art.  
Fleeting and beautiful only because it happened so fast.  
Like art, death should be quick, not prolonged.  
The idea of torture made the blonde man feel ill.  
Watching Tobi helplessly attempt to grasp the blood on the floor and put his hand to his chest as if to forcefully push the blood back into his veins was eerie.

"Hidan stop fooling around, un… Just… Just put him out of his misery, yeah…"

A crazy look flashed through Hidans eyes.  
He always got like this during rituals, which is the reason the Akatsuki avoided him.  
He was drunk on the feeling of pain, it was making him crazy and he wanted more.

"Feeling sorry for the little shit now huh, blondie? Well how about you fucking join him?"

In an instant Hidan was across the room, pike raised and bearing down on Deidara.  
_Oh shit, un! Notgoodnotgoodnotgoodnotgood!  
_Closing his eyes, Deidara shielded his head with his hands and crouched down.  
He didn't want to see this coming.

* * *

Elsewhere in the base, Itachi rolled his eyes and put in ear plugs.

He was usually tolerant of Hidans torture sessions, but that last scream crossed the line.

* * *

Deidara opened his eyes.  
He felt no pain, but maybe that's what dying was like?  
Moving his hands down from his head cautiously, he felt all over his body.  
_Huh? No blood, un?  
_Turning around, Deidaras eyes widened.  
Tobi was standing over him, shielding his body.  
The bloodied pike pierced his chest and protruded about 6 inches out of his back.  
Strangely, it was Hidan who was screaming.

Deidara glanced around Tobi and watched Hidan writhe and thrash on the ground, a bloodied hole spewing blood from his chest.  
Deidara tilted his head and glanced up at Tobi.  
_Shouldn't he be dead, un…? How is he even standing…?  
_Hidan was obviously thinking along the same lines.

"What the fuck, Tobi! You should be dead now! Why do you have my fucking pike an- ARGH! WHY DOES IT HURT?"

Tobi withdrew the pike from his chest and examined the hole it left.

"I'm not sure Hidan-sama… Tobi read your book over there and did some weird things it told him to do… Tobi has been feeling strange ever since… Could that be it?"

Hidan stopped writing and opened his jaw, gob smacked.

"YOU READ MY JASHINIST BIBLE AND FOLLOWED ITS INSTRUCTIONS! YOU'RE A FUCKING JASHINIST NOW!"

Deidaras breath hitched in his throat.  
Well that was unexpected…  
It certainly explains how Tobi was still standing…

Hidan let out a wrangled cry again as the pain returned and Tobi jumped in fright.

"Oh no! Don't worry Hidan-sama! Tobi will help you!"

In his haste to get to the Jashinist, Tobi tripped over Hidans scythe.  
What happened next was, in Deidaras opinion_, divine retribution, un.  
_Tobi twisted in such a way that he landed in the middle of Hidans circle, on top of the pike which impaled him on the spot.  
Hidan screamed louder as another hole tore its way through his torso.  
Tobi, who was seriously worried about the priest now, struggled to stand up all the while jiggling and jolting the pike in his chest.  
By the time he was on his feet, Deidara grabbed his arm and whispered softly,

"We'll come back for Hidan later… Lets take you back to my room to get cleaned up, un..."

Tobi glanced back at Hidan, who was now frothing at the mouth, shrugged and followed his sempai.  
They reached Deidaras room, thankfully, without meeting any other members along the way.  
Deidara wrenched the pike out of Tobis chest as the taller man hissed in pain and rubbed a cloth over the area to mop up the blood.

"By the way Tobi, un… I thought you didn't taste Hidans blood… How did you hurt him like that, yeah?"

Tobi scratched the back of his neck and tipped his head from side to side.  
Deidara glanced at his mask and knew the answer before Tobi told him.  
Blood heavily painted the orange mask, especially around the eyehole.  
_At least it looks better in red, un…_

"It splashed into Tobis eyehole when he first hurt himself and dribbled into Tobis mouth from there…. Sempai, Tob-"

Deidara cut him off quickly,

"Stop referring to yourself in third person, un… At least around me, yeah…"

Tobi hesitated, almost as if it pained him to speak normally.  
Eventually he nodded his head and replied,

"Okay sempai… But Tob- I mean… Thank you for helping To-… Thank you for helping… me …"

Deidara grimaced.  
He was in on the plot to kill the guy and now Tobi was thanking him?  
Shaking his head, Deidara decided to swallow his pride.  
After all, he wouldn't have survived the night without him.

"No Tobi… Thank YOU, un…"

* * *

**Sooo there you have it.**  
**I think I rushed the last two chapters HEAPS because I liked writing this one haha.**  
**I'll probably do an epilogue or something.**  
**But who knows!**


	10. Attack of the Senbon Chewing Shinobi

**This chapter was inspired by the infamous Mad-HAtter sensei! **

* * *

Genma lay on his side and gazed lazily across the room.

His 'prison' door had been left open again, as it had been constantly for the last six months to a year that he had been living in the hideout.  
It didn't really bother him anymore, being held 'hostage' by a group of notorious S-rank criminals.

Initially he had been terrified, after all, he had been captured by the fearsome Akatsuki.  
And by a cannibalistic, black and white plant-man no less.  
He had felt very stupid for allowing himself to be caught, hog tied and threatened with digestion.

After a day or two in the 'prison' (Which was really a cardboard box disguised with a crappy amateur genjutsu) he had been scared and anxiously awaited his doom.

After a week he had hoped he had been forgotten.

A month later he had started getting bored and his door had been left open for the first time.

Two months after, he had been casually walking throughout the base, occasionally getting invited for dinner and constantly avoiding Hidan.

While he had not found a 'friend' in any of the Akatsuki, he felt the most safe with Itachi and Kakuzu.  
Strangely, Itachi seemed to become quite fond of him but for some infuriating reason, viewed him as more of a pet than a person.  
Kakuzu just liked having someone around that Hidan desperately wanted to sacrifice but was forbidden to, lest a hungry Zetsu and angry Itachi be set on him.

Genma had no quarrel with most of the Akatsuki.  
Deidara exchanged short conversations with him on occasion but the bombers tendency to explode often frightened Genma off before their friendship could develop seriously.  
He actively avoided Sasori, lest he become a human puppet.  
Not once had Pein or Konan spoke to him, so he had no opinion on them.

But the one person he really, truly hated was Tobi.  
The annoying masked man constantly came to Genma to 'keep him company' and 'play'.  
At first, Genma had thought it some clever torture plot designed to drive him insane.  
He quickly dismissed the idea however, after Deidara walked past and scolded Tobi for annoying the poor 'Senbon Chewing Shinobi'.  
After he realized that the Akatsuki hated Tobi just as much as he did, Genma quickly found something to amuse himself with.

Quite often when something went missing (Like Itachis 'Collectors Edition Bingo Book Missing Nin' cards)  
Genma would happily lie about seeing Tobi running away with them.  
Sometimes, when nothing had gone missing for a while, Genma would even sneak into the Akatsukis rooms and mess around with things just so he COULD blame it on Tobi.  
He had only been caught by Itachi once and it was the scariest thing he had ever experienced.  
Thinking he was going to be Tsukuyomi'd to hell, Genma had curled up in a ball and started saying his prayers.  
Much to his shock, relief (and annoyance) the Uchiha had just petted him and thrown him a biscuit.  
He had been much more careful after that.

Genma had happily been present when Kisame had attempted to drown Tobi, secretly watched from the doorway as Sasori tried to poison him and celebrated with the entire Akatsuki when he had been posted to Sasuke for 3 days.  
Needless to say, he had been devastated when they had all failed.

Which is why he had decided to try in secret.  
If he succeeded, he had bragging rights over the Akatsuki and was guaranteed safety.  
If he failed, well… It was nothing new. He would probably be commended for his efforts.

Luckily for him (and everyone else), Sir Leader had found a way to revoke Tobis 'loyalty' to Jashin-sama which meant of course, that he was no longer immortal.  
Thank Pein, Jashin, Satan and God for that…  
So now, Genma had decided to try his luck with his own style and weapon of choice…  
Senbon Acupuncture.

* * *

"Are you sure about this Genma-san?"

After several attempts, Genma had finally driven the words "senbon" "chewing" and "shinobi" out of Tobis head and now, was granted his actually name.  
The basketball head was laying face up on a futon with (Genma assumed) his eyes closed.

"Perfectly sure, assho- I mean…Tobi."

Seemingly satisfied with the answer, Tobi nodded and lay back like Genma had told him too.  
Taking his position by the futon, Genma positioned the poison senbon that Sasori had prepared for him specially. The edges glistened with purple poison and shone brightly. Next to them lay the ever so important antidote, in case Genma spiked himself accidentally.

"Now just stay still, okay?"

Tobi nodded.  
He had refused to take his shirt off at first but Genma had persuaded him with promises of lollypops and rainbows after they were done.  
Genma walked past the door to the far end of the room, he might as well get some target training at the same time.  
God knows he needed the practice after so long.  
Picking up about fifteen at a time, Genma threw the senbon at the basketball head.

"Hey Senbon Chewing Shinobi, un, did you want to have dinner with us toni- OW WHAT THE FUCK!"

Genma froze as the 15 senbon he just threw landed in Deidaras face as he entered the room._  
Of all people I had to hit… Of all people…_  
A few senbon had pierced Deidaras eyes so Genma took a chance.

"Hey Tobi, hold these for me. I'll be back in a second."

Thrusting the rest of the senbon into Tobis arms, Genma hightailed it out of the room as he heard Deidaras cursing grow louder.

Maybe this time the terrorist would succeed in killing Tobi…_  
At least the antidote was in there with him…_

"Deidara-sempai, look! Tobi found more juice!"

Genma froze midstride._  
Don't-drink-it-don't-drink-it-don't-drink-it-don't-drink-it-don't-drink-it…._

"Eww… It doesn't taste very good, sempai…"

Genma facepalmed._  
Dammit… I hope Sasori has more of that antidote…._


	11. The End?

Okay then.

Failed attempts by pretty much all of the akatsuki so far.

I was just wondering. If anyone thought it was worth me doing Pein, Konan and Kakuzu As well?

I have an idea for an ending but I guess it all depends on where readers think it should end.

You guys are the ones who read these stories after all.

I still can't find Internet connections for my laptop and am making do with stealing wireless from unsuspecting caravanners (heheheheh) on the iPad, so i won't be able to upload anything straight away anyway but...

I suppose I just want some opinions haha.

Sorry for anyone who thought this was amother chapter and all they got was a shitty authors note...

Complaints should be left after the Beeeeeeeeep


	12. Bonus Chapter: Naruto and Shikamaru

**Okay, so ahead follows a few of the Konohagakure and Sunagakure shinobis attempt at Operation: Kill Tobi.  
Consider these bonus or special spin off chapters or something…  
I'm still going to finish the Akatsuki version of the storyline, I'll just toss in a few of these along the way.  
So in this bonus chapter we see Naruto and Shikamarus attempt.  
Enjoy!**

* * *

**Naruto:**

Naruto sat eating a cup of instant ramen in the middle of the forest.  
He was on his way back from a mission to the Village Hidden in the Sand where he had visited his old friend Gaara, and had stopped for lunch.  
After getting lost four times along the way, he was running a little low on supplies and only had a few cups of instant ramen left.  
These he was treasuring with his life.  
Deciding that he liked the little river he was following, he had set up camp and was planning on taking a swim.  
That is… He would if the weird ninja would stop following him.

Half way through the second day of the journey, Naruto had noticed a chakra signature that he didn't recognize following him.  
He had set several traps along the way and despite every single one of them being set off, there was no dead body of his enemy like there should be.  
It annoyed Naruto to no end to find that no matter how many times he looked for the strange ninja, he could not find him.

Stretching out on the grass, he broke his chopsticks and sighed.  
The blonde haired hero tried not to be too worried about it.  
It was probably only an assassin sent to kill him.  
Naruto had learned long ago that being important to the plot allowed him invincibility or at least resurrection rights over any potential murderer.  
Grinning into his noodles he muttered, "Take that, dattebayo…"

He had just finished his noodles peacefully when he felt the familiar spike in chakra nearby.  
Growing angry at this point and never being one to play the patient game, Naruto crossed his arms and held his breath until his face became red.  
When he was younger, holding his breath seemed to be the way to go when he wanted something he couldn't get.  
It was just his habit to do this now.  
Many a time had Iruka-sensei been fooled into buying Naruto ramen when the foolish boy held his breath until he passed out.

To Narutos surprise, excitement, joy, horror, annoyance and irritation, the bushes nearby started rustling and the shadow of a man emerged from behind them.  
Excited for a fight but annoyed at the inconvenience of its timing (he was actually running a day late getting home, mainly due to getting lost) Naruto assumed fighting stance, withdrawing a kunai and raising a fist.  
His eyes narrowed as the mysterious man came slowly into view.  
No doubt it was an evil master mind of some sort that was desperately after the Kyuubi to take over the world an-

"Naruto-kun! Tobi didn't expect to see you here!"

There was a complete and awkward silence that lasted about 20 seconds, which was the time it took for Naruto to recall who the freak in front of him was.  
Finally it hit him.  
This was Tobi.  
The mysterious criminal that followed the Akatsuki around like a lost dog.  
Definitely not an evil master mind of some sort that was desperately after the Kyuubi to take over the world.  
Naruto lowered his weapons and resumed a normal stance.  
From what he had heard, his guy was pretty useless on his own.  
Even the other Akatsuki members constantly bitched about him during their ill fated run-ins with Konoha shinobi.  
Despite this fact, Naruto decided that he had better make sure this guy wasn't evil and ask him a few questions first.

"You're Tobi?"

"Yes! Tobi is so glad Naruto-kun remembers! We should be friends! Do you like ducks?"

Naruto shook his head and his eyes widened in bewilderment.  
He knew that he wasn't the smartest guy in the pack, the sharpest tool in the shed or the most colourful pencil in the box, but this guy was on a whole new level of stupid and annoying.  
Oh well… Back to questioning.

"Have you ever killed/tortured/robbed/kidnapped anyone…?"

Tobi, at this point covered his mouth/mask with his hands in a gasp and took a step backwards in horror.

"Tobi would never do that!"

Naruto nodded his head thoughtfully.  
This guy seemed trustworthy. He was wearing a mask and had no visible skin after all.  
After a few seconds contemplating, Naruto smiled.

"Okay, then. It was nice to meet you, I have to go now but I'm sure that we-"

**SPLASH!**

In his effort to give Naruto a goodbye hug, Tobi tripped over Narutos backpack and spilled the last of his instant ramen into the river.  
Naruto opened his mouth in a silent scream and the corner of his eyes began to water.  
The masked man righted himself and dusted off his legs before grasping his new friend in a massive hug.  
Narutos arms were pinned to his side as he was lifted into the air with the force and power of cuddles!

The second he was let back to the ground, Narutos horror became sadness, which became depression, which became anger, which became hatred, which gave him homicidal urges and a stomach ache.  
Gritting his teeth, Naruto glared at Tobi.  
The masked man tilted his head to the side slightly at Narutos change in demeanor.

"Why is Naruto-kun glowing red?"

The Kyuubis chakra enveloped Naruto and several tails began spouting as Tobi looked on in interest.  
Naruto looked at him angrily.

"Tobi…" he growled.

Tobi, in that second, seemed to realize he was in terrible danger, possibly because Naruto had growled his name the exact same way Deidara-sempai did before he unleashed a never ending torrent of explosives on him.  
Just as Naruto was about to make a swipe at said Akatsuki screw up, a giant white bird soared down from the sky and captured Tobi in its beak before regaining altitude.  
The Kyuubis chakra increased and Naruto shook his fist to the sky before going on a short rampage.

* * *

Tobi looked down over the edge of the giant clay bird as his favorite sempai flew up next to him.  
Deidara looked fairly annoyed and his windblown hair was a dead giveaway that he had been flying for hours.

"Where have you been, un!? I've been looking for you everywhere!"

Tobi rested a hand against his chest and sighed.  
Deidara-sempai had just gone up a notch in Tobis cool book.

"Thank you for saving Tobi, Deidara-sempai! Tobi would have died for sure if you hadn't of saved him!"

The irritation on Deidaras face melted away and was replaced with a look of surprise, skepticism, curiosity and vague annoyance.  
The two clay birds flew closer together and Tobi worked up the courage to stand up.

"What do you mean I saved you, yeah?"

Tobi jumped across to Deidaras bird and much to his partners annoyance, gave him a hug before continuing.

"Tobi came across Naruto-kun and he got angry and tried to kill Tobi."

There was a short, stunned silence before Deidara unsurely caught on.

"The Kyuubi, Uzumaki Naruto…"

"The very same sempai."

"…The one we have been trying to capture for 6 months…?"

"That's the one!"

"…And on top of that, if I had of waited a few more seconds, you would be dead…?"

"Yup yup! That's right Deidara-sempai, Tobi thinks tha-… Why are you crying and pulling out your hair, sempai?"

* * *

Once Naruto had calmed down, he had backtracked 500 metres or so before discovering that his ramen cups had caught on some shallow rocks in the river and were still salvageable.

In a significantly better mood, being no longer hungry, cooled down from his swim and having found the rest of his supplies, Naruto happily bounced back along the path.  
He made it back to the Village Hidden in the Leaves in the next few hours that followed, having only stopped once or twice when he swore he heard someone screaming in fury and then later on crying somewhere in the distance.

* * *

**Shikamaru**

* * *

It was a bright and sunny day on the first Tuesday of the month.  
Today was Shikamaru Naras day off.  
Being the genius that he was, Shikamaru had come up with several activities he could do during his leisure time many days in advance.  
Being the day it was, he could go to the movies for 'Cheap Tuesday' and see a film half price.  
But Choji was busy and Shikamaru didn't fancy going alone.  
He could have had lunch (of ramen) with Naruto but chances are he would have gotten stuck with the bill.  
He didn't particularly fancy helping Ino with her Ikebana practice.  
No, today he had the perfect plan.  
There was a slight, cool breeze in the air and fluffy clouds graced the skies.  
Perfect for cloud watching.

This of course, meant that he would be walking to what he deemed the ideal place in Fire Country to lay down, stare at the sky and relax.

It had taken him an hour to get to this perfect place; a small clearing near a river.  
Had he not known for a fact that Naruto was on a mission, he wouldn't have bothered going there.  
Several days earlier, the orange clad, hyper active, ramen inhaling, future Hokage had dashed back to Konoha claiming to have seen two Akatsuki members at that exact spot and had since, been frequenting the area in an attempt to catch them.  
Of course, a ninja squad had been dispatched to check the place out.  
They didn't find much – a few burnt down trees after Narutos rampage and several long blonde strands of hair that were covered in saliva and clay and appeared to have been torn out.

He doubted there were Akatsuki members hanging around.  
Nevertheless, Shikamaru was sure to take a few kunai just in case.

His trip to the river was uneventful.  
He came across several of Narutos hastily made amateur traps, all of which were broken in some way or another, and a few empty instant ramen cups (which he grudgingly picked up with distaste)  
It was when he arrived at the river that things started happening.

No sooner had he walked into his favourite clearing had he heard the voice.  
At first he thought he imagined it, but the longer he listened the more pronounced the words became.  
The words were always accompanied by a soft rustling sound, like someone was searching through bushes.  
Shikamaru rested his head in his hands and sighed.  
Nothing was simple anymore and by the looks of things, he was going to have to communicate with someone when there were perfectly good clouds marching by just begging to be watched.  
The rustling became closer so Shikamaru parted his hands to face the stranger.  
As he moved his head, a silver glint caught his eye.  
Intrigued, Shikamaru cautiously walked the three or so paces towards it and picked up a small, shiny silver ring from the ground.  
Before he could examine it properly, the voice and rustling came closer.

"Sempai must have dropped it SOMEWHERE around here…"

To Shikamarus annoyance and despair, he glimpsed the black cloak with the red and white clouds through the trees.  
Sagging his shoulders, the cloud watcher groaned in annoyance and mouthed the words 'Troublesome…' to the sky.  
Shikamaru liked watching clouds… Just not red and white ones.  
He stood staring at the mysterious Akatsuki member dully, not wanting and not bothering to get into a fighting stance.  
After a few more seconds, an orange mask popped out from behind the bushes and the strange man jumped out into the clearing, starting in surprise to see someone else there.  
The two shinobi stood and watched each other silently for a few seconds.  
The masked man who Shikamaru knew as Tobi, broke the silence by pointing at Shikamaru carefully and stating,

"You have Deidara-sempais ring…"

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow and glanced into his open palm and at that moment, did in fact recognize it as one of the 10 Akatsuki rings.  
He glanced back up when the masked man continued.

"Tobi will get in trouble if he doesn't get sempais ring back…"

Shikamaru sighed and lowered his head in a troublesome manner.  
He really should attempt to catch this guy, but technically, he wasn't obliged to…  
It being his holiday and all, meant he was off duty…  
He glanced back up at Tobi and noted the man still pointing his finger at the ring Shikamaru held.  
The masked man looked on edge, like he would jump into fighting stance at a seconds notice if need be.  
Eventually, Shikamaru sighed and muttered, "Its my day off."

Tobi seemed to relax a little and tilted his head in thought.  
It seemed that they were in a pickle.  
On one hand, Tobi needed the ring.  
On the other, Shikamaru should be keeping it and attacking.  
There was really only one peaceful way to resolve this…

"Tobi wont tell if you wont…"

Shikamaru glanced down at the ring then back to Tobi in contemplation.  
Shrugging his shoulders, he flicked the coveted ring towards the masked man with his thumb.  
Tobi made a grab for it and scurried around on the ground when it slipped through his fingers.  
Shikamaru watched him in silence.  
Eventually, the Akatsuki screw up stood and saluted the lazy Konoha shinobi.

"Well… Tobi will be seeing you!"

Shikamaru shrugged for what felt like the millionth time that day and nodded curtly.

"Just don't come back or tell anyone I let you go."

Tobi saluted again and bounded off through the trees.  
Shikamaru sighed.  
His day wasn't ruined after all.

* * *

"So you found my ring, yeah?"

Tobi nodded to his sempai happily, glad to have made up for not being killed by Naruto the last time he was in the area.  
Deidara glared at Tobi, obviously thinking something along the same lines.  
He fingered the ring briefly before putting it on.

"Did you have any trouble finding it, un?"

Deidara took a sip of water from his canteen and grinned at the thought of Tobi searching around on his hands and knees for hours desperately trying to find his sempais ring.  
Tobi however, shook his head and radiated happiness.

"No, Tobi didn't sempai. Some nice Konoha shinobi gave the ring back to Tobi."

A spray of water abruptly shot from Deidaras mouth.  
He glared at Tobi incredulously.

"A Konoha Shinobi?"

"Yes, sempai!"

"…Did he recognize you, un?"

"He sure did, Deidara-sempai."

Deidara narrowed his eyes at the masked nin in front of him.  
Tobi must be lying.  
Even Naruto, who was known for his kindness, had tried to kill him.  
What kind of shinobi would recognize Tobi and NOT try to obliterate him…?

"What was the name of this shinobi, un?"

Tobi looked thoughtful for a moment, finger to the chin area of his mask he gazed upwards for a few seconds in remembrance.

"Tobi thinks his name was Sheema… Shima… Shika… Shikamaru! His name was Shikamaru, sempa- why are you tearing out your hair again Deidara-sempai? You will go bald if you keep this up."

Deidara bent over in emotional agony, his hand mouths chomping and tearing out chunks of his hair in despair.  
Of all of the shinobi in the world…  
Of all of the people who Tobi had to come across…  
Why did it have to be the one person too lazy to kill him!?

* * *

**Hahaha  
So I hope you enjoyed and it was to your satisfaction.  
Including Naruto and Shikamaru, that makes 8 failed attempts.  
I have said it before, Ill say it again.  
Tobi is invincible by way of luck!  
I bet Konan has something to say about that though…  
Yes. Konan is next!  
Never evoke a womans wrath!  
As always rates and reviews are appreciated! Sorry for the long updates etc etc blah blah blah I'm on holidays.  
As per usual, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep!  
(Insert beep noise here.)**


	13. The Great Paper Attack!

Konan sat at the kitchen table with Kakuzu drinking coffee and reading The Shinobi Times.

It was a Thursday and by all accounts, should have been as normal a day as it gets in a crowded base full of of psychotic criminals.

Unfortunately, it was not a normal day.

Out of the blue and in what Konan was sure was a desperate bid for attention, Tobi had announced that it was his birthday and in a rare act of violence, had smacked Kisame upon hearing that no one had bought him a present.

Itachi had burst into violent coughing fit to cover up what sounded suspiciously like giggles.

Since his declaration earlier in the day, Konan had been stuck listening to screaming all over the base as Tobi run rampant in search of the presents he was sure the Akatsuki had hidden from him.

After all, why would they forget to buy Tobi a present?

Konan scoffed, too involved in her thoughts to notice Kakuzu raise an eyebrow.

All day she had put up with noise.

At 8:30 Tobi had upended Itachi and Kisames room and cries of "Noooo my Fishy!" "Mangekyou Sharingan!" and "TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" had echoed throughout the lair.

When he invaded Sasori and Deidaras room at 9:00 all Konan could hear was, "YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" "KATSU!" and "AAAAAAHHH"

Kakuzu hadn't yet seen the damage don't to the room he shared with the priest, but Konan herself had heard Hidan screeching out quotes from the Jashinist bible.

Personally, she had deadlocked her room after seeing Tobi creeping up the stairs to Peins attic where he kept his bodies.

God forbid Pein catch him in the-

"WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD YET!? GET OUT OF MY ATTIC YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

Oh... Well so much for that.

Konan grit her teeth and her grip on the newspaper tightened.

The minute someone pissed her off, they were dead.

* * *

The man in all black with the orange mask snuck through the base.

He had been continuously scared from one side of the hideout to the other by all the yelling and screaming of the other Akatsuki members.

His shoulders slumped and hE sighed.

Today was not his day.

It was his birthday and nothing had gone right.

Nothing at all...

A sound down the hall made him jump and he dopily glanced at Kisame who was wandering towards him, head down and tears escaping his eyes.

The orange mask tilted in curiosity as the shark man looked up at him.

"why did you kill Fishy?"

Uh oh...

He glanced behind him and then back to Kisame.

What was he talking about? He didn't kill a fish.

Although the dead fish clutched tightly in Kisames grip probably begged to differ.

Best to run away now screaming hisi nnocence before he bacem shark food.

He fainted to the left before taking off running to the right.

Kisame let out a cry of surprise and when he heard the thumping behind him, the orange masked man knew he was being chased.

"LEAVE ME ALONE! IM A GOOD BOY, DATTEBAYO!"

"YOU KILLED FISHY! GET BACK HERE!"

So fast was he running that he didn't notice Itachi cross his path,

If he had, he would have stopped to talk.

Itachi was his favourite.

The Uchiha cried out in surprise at being bowled over and Kisame gasped as though the akatsukI screwup had committed a terrible sin in knocking over his partner.

Tobi got to his feet glancing at the Uchiha uncertainly as Itachi glared threateningly at the fool that dare knock him over and embarrass him.

Upon seeing onyx eyes turn red and morph into a Sharingan, he wasted no time in escaping as fast as he deemed possible.

"Come back Tobi! You killed Fishy!"

"Amaterasu!"

"Nooooo!"

* * *

A few kilometers away...

Sai leaned back on his hands as his abdomen and legs stretched over the ground.

He chewed on a piece of grass while he glanced casually at Sakura who was resting her back against a tree, legs crossed with her hands in her lap.

Her brows were creased and hergreen eyes didn't stray from the spot infront of her.

Deciding to speak up, Sai asked, "Are you worried about him?"

She didn't reply straight away, instead tilting her head back and forth in contemplation.

From behind them Yamato raised an eyebrow.

"A little bit..."

Sai stopped chewing grass and smiled at her.

"Don't worry, Naruto will be fine."

Missing his smile, Sakura sighed and leaned back.

"I know... But it's just such a dangerous mission and the Akatsuki all want him dead!"

Suddenly panicking, she turned to sai with wide eyes,

"What if we never see him again?"

Anither smile.

This time she saw it.

"Is that a real smile or a fake one...?"

Sakura furrowed her brows at his reply.

"Which ever you want it to be."

* * *

If he thought being chased by Itachi and Kisame was terrifying, he was downright horrified to crash into Deidara...

Who knocked over Sasori...

There was silence as Itachi and Kisame took in the scene before them.

A newly crafted puppet with clay features lay smashed on the floor - a joint piece of art that unknown to Sasori, Deidara had planned to destroy.

Perhaps it was not having the satisfaction to do it properly by himself that set the terrorist off.

With an almighty cry or fury, the resident artists leapt to their feet and joined the chase.

Panicked at being followed by hundreds of explosive animals, one hundred poisonous Puppets, a psychotic Uchiha and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Shark, the man with no visible face dash away at renewed speed.

"TOBI!"

"TSUKUYOMI!"

"KATSU!"

"FISHY!"

* * *

The paper Konan had been holding had slowly been torn to shreds as she unconsciously growled and made tearing motions with her hands.

Kakuzu was eyeing her wearily, trying to make as little noise as possible.

Every time a thump was heard somewhere in the base, Konans eye twitched.

Very aware that it was getting dangerous to stay around much longer, kakuzu cautiously shifted his coffee and paper from the table and made his way got the kitchen sink to empty his cup.

Normally he wouldn't waste coffee like that, it was expensive.

But in his attempts to avoid fire from Konan it had grown cold and he was unwilling to heat it up to stay longer.

Slightly dispirited at having wasted a perfectly good drink, Kakuzu drifted away from the table.

He waved to Pein who entered though the trapdoor in the ceiling.

Sir Leader nodded, waved to Konan (who gave him the finger behind his back), yawned and went to make a sandwich.

Kakuzu sighed quietly.

If Pein was amongst them then hopefully he was safe from Konans wrath.

He cringed as a loud smash echoed down the hall and the sound of rapidly approaching footsteps and shouting grew nearer.

A low growl emitted from konans direction and Pein glanced between her and the door uneasily.

* * *

Itachi, Kisame, Sasori and Deidara chased the man they had been trying to kill for weeks through the lair.

Every room was totaled as chairs, tables and furniture was kicked and thrown around in the masked mans effort to stay safe.

It worked for a while.

When there was nothing left to throw, he bolted out the door of Peins office and dashed down the hall with a large portion of the Akatsuki hot on his heels.

Coming to a bend in the hall, he jumped sideways around the corner in an effort to dodge the murderous weapons.

As he flew around the corner, he narrowly avoided bumping into Hidan who was going the opposite direction to him.

Not knowing what else to do, he pushed the priest into the hallway with an almighty shove.

Behind the mask, he squeezed his eyes shut in anticipation when he heard Hidan cry out in surprise and pain.

When he saw the masses of clay animals flying towards him, Hidan was skilled enough to knock most of them off course or bat them away from him.

He wasn't so lucky with everything else.

When the smoke cleared, everyone glanced at Hidan.

The silver haired priest had the majority of Sasoris puppets impaling various parts of his body as he stood strong, black fire engulfing His clothes and a dead fish sliding off his shoulder.

He growled inhumanly at his lairmates that had ruined his day.

Itachi wordlessly pointed to the orange mask peeking around the corner.

Sasori gulped and murmured,

"He was the one that pushed you..."

Realising he was correct, Hidan turned towards Tobi, teeth bared and furious.

* * *

When he grasped the concept that Konan probably wouldnt calm down until someone was dead and that the noises that were rapidly growing louder and louder weren't helping the case, Pein moved silently towards the kitchen and began making a fort out of frying pans and cereal containers.

Kakuzu watched for a few minutes before deciding that his boss probably had the best idea and began to help.

In roughly 5 minute constructed the best fort that cereal boxes could make.

What used to be an open space leading from the kitchen to the dining area was now walled over with a small hole in the center where Pein and Kakuzu kept watch on konans movements, documenting them every thirty seconds to note any changes in her mood.

It didn't take long for something to happen.

Kakuzu watched konans browfurrow slightly, then a little more... Then a little more.

It wasn't until the door burst open that he realized she was anticipating the rest of the Akatsuki enter the kitchen in a flurry of colors.

The door was knocked off it's hinges and flung across the room where it smashed Zetsus favourite pot plant and destroyed Peins 'pot' plant.

Despite registering the loss of his secret hobby, Pein helped and ducked under the kitchen sink and into the small cupboard used for storing detergents and Sasoris stash of poison.

Kakuzu followed suit when Konan jumped to her feet and screeched,

"THAT IS IT!"

Paper began flying everywhere.

Deidara desperately tried to fend off shreds with his bombs but to no avail.

Kisame was papercutted violently until he ran and hid under the couch whereas Sasoris puppet joints were clogged up in paper, rendering him incapable of movement.

The orange mask was scrathed beyond recognition and Itachi was surprised to note the shock of blond hair that fell from its holdings.

A flurry of papers scratched his cheek and Itachi thought no more about it, instead doing the smart thing when faced with a homicidal kunoichi...

Run like hell.

* * *

A few hours later, the Akatsuki had been forced into cleaning up the broken and splintered furniture and torn cereal boxes after Konan had calmed down and was happily gazing across the room at the dead Tobi.

No one complained too much about cleaning up. After all...

Ding dong Tobi is dead...

To be continued...

* * *

**Im not going to lie..**

**I cut this chapter in two because for one, I have to type it out on an iPad and constantly fool around correcting the autocorrect so that my story doesn't randomly have the word 'cock' instead of 'cook' or something...**

**And two... I haven't properly thought it out yet.**

**This isnt the last chapter, just a lazy part 1 and part 2 on my part.**

**Hope you liked it anyway, stay tuned**!


	14. The Great Paper Attack Part Two

**Part II**

**Sorry it took a while, I hadn't actually typed it all out when I last updated (sheepish look)**

**So I am pretty sure this is attempt number 10...**

**Im trying to kill him off I swear!**

**But here it is, enjoy!**

* * *

Konan sat sipping coffee contently at the table with Kakuzu.  
It was a replay of that morning only this time, she wasn't about to explode and Tobi wasn't running rampant through the base and screaming about a birthday.  
Konan had checked her calendar after her outburst and realized that Tobi obviously had his dates wrong.  
It was October the 10th today and she specifically remembered Tobi once mentioning his birthday being sometime around December.

Idiot...

Konan had stopped her attack 15 minutes earlier and after dusting herself off, had glanced around to inspect the damage.  
There was only one small desk by the door still standing.  
Kakuzu had been grateful that it hadn't been broken because the wood that Sasori had used to carve it was expensive.  
She could almost envision the miser sobbing over it like he did last week when his checkbook went missing.  
The rest of the room was significantly damaged however.  
Deidara, Kisame and Hidan were still cleaning up the furniture and splintered wood that littered the room whilst Sasori sat in the corner constructing new tables and chairs.  
None of them complained.  
Happy Konan meant happy life.

Itachi hadn't yet re emerged from wherever he had run off to and hidden.  
Konan was sure it had something to do with the fact that 'Uchihas don't clean'  
Pein was still cowering under the kitchen sink.  
Presumably because he thought everyone else was dead and that Konan was prowling the base looking for him.  
A similar thing had happened the year before when he had thought it funny to hide tampons around the lair labelled 'property of Konan'

Nobody had yet gone near Tobis body.

He had hit his head on a desk as he fell so he may have only been unconscious.  
No one wanted to spoil the good mood by confirming either or not he was actually dead.  
And so, he lay across the room on his back like a starfish whilst the Akatsuki cleaned the floor around him.

Konan watched him silently, holding up her head with her hand.

Last time he left the base, which was a period of three days when he had been mailed to Sasuke, peace had descended upon the lair and Pein had seriously considered throwing his plans for world domination out the window.  
It was almost like all the worlds problems only existed because Tobi was alive.  
Everything was so much more peaceful without him.  
Already, the quiet was having an effect on the Akatsuki.  
Everyone seemed so much more at ease.

"I think that's the quietest I have ever seen the little shit..."

Konan glanced over to Hidan who too, had been observing the body.  
Several murmurs of agreement followed his comment and Deidara hesitantly moved in the room stopped as the all watched him curiously.  
Tilting his head suddenly, the blonde terrorist grinned,

"Should we check what's under his mask, yeah?"

The fairly quiet mood instantly cracked with interest as the men (and woman) all dashed from their spots around the room to crowd around the bane of their existence.  
They glanced around at each other, all wanting to be the one to pull off the mask but none of them actually willing to touch him and get Tobi germs.  
Slowly and unsurely, Sasori reached out his hand and touched the mask.  
He immediately jerked his hand back, just in case something drastic happened.  
Taking a small breath in, he got his wits about him and continued.  
He felt around the edges of the mask until he found the spot to slid it up.  
Glancing behind him, Sasori scowled as the rest of the Akatsuki were backing away slightly withtheir upper bodies hunched forward trying to get a look.  
Far enough away to make a run for it, yet close enough to see what was happening.  
Rolling his eyes, Sasori lifted the mask a centimeter.

"Deidara-sempai, why is all the furniture broken?"

They could have slapped themselves.  
Sasori nearly cried out in frustration.  
They should have known...  
In a new found anger, Konan turned around to face Tobi.  
The REAL Tobi apparently.  
Perhaps noticing the rooms aura darkening slightly, Tobi took a step back.  
Deidara, Kisame, Sasori, Kakuzu and Hidan grit their teeth and followed Konans example, approaching the orange masked idiot with fury and homicidal urges.  
No one seemed to remember that there was an imposter among them, either the Tobi that was standing in front of them or the Tobi on the floor.

Perhaps their unconscious automatic reaction was to kill anything that looks like Tobi that was alive and breathing.

Tobi took another step back, knocking over the one piece of furniture still standing; the very expensive sacrificial desk that Sasori had constructed for Hidan that held the ceramic vase Deidara had crafted with the paper roses that Konan had placed in them.  
There was a silence as the Akatsukis mouths dropped open in horrified gapes.  
Knowing that he had definitely done something wrong this time, Tobi turned and bolt back through the door.

It wasn't long until the room had cleared as the 6 furious Akatsuki chased Tobi outside.

The few hundred puppets, clay animals, paper notes and tentacle thred things reappeared as their fury grew.  
When the noises of screaming and torturous cries had faded into the distance, Itachi peeked his head into the room, just to confirm no one was there, before entering and crossing over to the body on the floor.  
He kneeled down beside it and stared at the orange mask with mild irritation for a few seconds.  
It remained as still as it had been since he had left the room.  
Sighing, Itachi pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head.  
He should have known this would happen.  
The room had been completely totaled since he had escaped earlier, although the Akatsukis efforts to clean up didn't escape his notice.  
It would cost a fortune to repair and replace everything.  
Itachi glance back down.

_And all because of you.._.

Deciding he had sat there for long enough, the Uchiha poked the body in the shoulder.

"Get up."

The body stirred before hesitantly sitting up.  
Gradually and after a moments silence, the mask tilted in his direction.  
Rubbing the back of his neck with one hand and cautiously waving with the other, the man replied,

"Uhh... Hi Itachi... You aren't going to kill Tobi right?"

Itachi smirked and sat down properly next to the man in the mask.  
He let the silence hanging the air for a moment, creating a little suspense and clearly worrying the man beside him.

"Probably not..."

The orange mask lifted up and down as the man on the floor nodded.  
There was silence for a minute as they both watched the floor in contemplation.  
Frowning suddenly, Itachi muttered,

"You are a day early. I said come on the 11th because everyone would be out and we could celebrate your birthday properly."

The orange mask was pulled back violently and blue eyes greeted Itachi with a scowl.

"I thought you said come on the 10th so we could have a sleepover that ended on the 11th!"

Itachi rolled his eyes and shook his head in slight exasperation.  
Just because he didn't tell people exactly what he meant doesn't mean they shouldn't do exactly as he wanted  
He mentally shrugged his shoulders.  
Oh well... The Akatsuki were out of the base now.  
Itachi glanced to his side and muttered quietly,

"Did you bring my dangos...?"

"Yup. I put them in the fridge when I got here this morning."

Itachi nodded, his expression unchanging.  
Of course he had gotten there early in the morning.  
Despite what anyone thought about him, the boy was always on time.  
He smiled slightly.  
Sasuke never bought him dangos...  
The Uchiha decided he had made a wise choice indeed in adopting a new foolish little brother.

"Do you have my birthday ramen?"

Itachi glanced at the blonde boy with a small smile rarely seen by anyone at all.  
He nodded and the boy fisted the air happily before removing the black clothing he was wearing to expose his signature orange jumpsuit underneath.

"By the way... How did you manage to get away with being out of konoha for so long?"

Naruto looked up at Itachi sheepishly and replied,

"I told grandma Tsunade that I was infiltrating the Akatsuki base as a self assigned mission."

Itachi raised an eyebrow.

"So... You didn't come alone then?"

Naruto shook his head.

"Nah, my team is here too. Sakura, Sai, and Yamato are waiting... Outside..."

Itachi and Naruto glanced at each other with wide eyes as the sounds of violent fighting broke out from outside the base.  
Naruto opened his mouth briefly before reconsidering whatever he was about to say and shutting it again.  
He reopened it a few seconds later and asked quietly,

"...isn't that-"

"Yes."

"...Shouldn't we-"

"No."

* * *

**So I hope you enjoyed it!**

**Sorry I mad it into two parts but well..., i like keeping people in suspense.**

**Rates and reviews appreciated as always!**


	15. Peins Encouragment

**So this is the latest concoction my warped mind has dreamed up.  
I do like Tobi… Honestly I do, but only when he was silly… Now he is just mean…  
Whatever the case, enjoy this attempt which brings the grand total to like 10 or something… I dunno...**

* * *

Tobi sat on the floor of the lounge room with his head in his hands.  
He had been sitting in front of the TV for about three hours in complete and total boredom.  
The rest of the Akatsuki had gone out to the nearby village for the day and he had elected to stay behind.  
This had surprised most of the other members considering that he was usually the one bouncing around them begging to take him out.  
Tobi was only ever allowed out when someone was accompanying him because he was considered too dangerous to be out by himself, which wasn't often as it was.  
He sighed, it was all because of that stupid list…

Each of the Akatsuki members had their own list set up along the hallway leading from the entrance to the lair.  
Most of what was written down was simple things such as likes, dislikes and the dos and don'ts of being around them.  
Almost like an instruction manual, Tobi mused.  
His list was by far the longest.

**Do not let Tobi outside the base by himself.**

**Do not let Tobi in the kitchen.**

**Keep Tobi away from the washing machine.**

**Do not feed Tobi after midnight.**

**Do not feed Tobi, period.**

It goes on.  
He sighed again.  
Life just didn't seem worth living lately.  
Deidara-sempai had been ignoring him for the last two weeks, Hidan was even more violent than usual, Pein, Itachi, Kakuzu and Sasori seemed to have gotten really mean lately and Kisame left the room whenever he entered.  
He never even SAW Konan and Zetsu anymore.  
Lack of interaction with the other members had been driving him crazy to the point that he started misbehaving dramatically just so he could get attention.  
It had worked… Kind of…  
Initially, the Akatsuki had all been furious with him for switching their underwear, hiding their left shoes, putting bicarbonate soda in their toothpaste and glad-wrapping their doorways.  
But after he did it three times in a row, they cleaned up silently and went about their business without giving him a second glance.

His next idea was to be as kind as possible and so when the Akatsuki woke up each morning, it had been to breakfast in bed followed by Tobi tidying up their rooms.  
This worked all good and fine until he got to Hidan and Deidaras room.  
After being kicked out of their original rooms by their partners, the two had been bunking together, the likes of which resulted in a clay and blood spattered bedroom with torn and singed curtains, splintered chairs, scratches and burns in the wall paper and clothes tossed all over the floor.  
It was simply too much to clean every morning.  
That and the Akatsuki completely ignored him anyway, although Deidara seemed to try to avoid eye contact, almost as if he felt a little bit guilty for avoiding his part-time partner.

Whatever the case, he had had barely any social contact with the others despite living in a squishy lair with little space.  
This had Tobi depressed.  
He thrived off other people and when there were none around that acknowledged him, it dampened his day.  
No one feels like doing anything when they are depressed.  
Tobi included.  
He had been staring at the TV silently since the others left, not really watching it but wanting something in the empty base to imitate the noise that usually inhabited it.  
Not once did he move, except to crack his neck or sigh sadly.  
It was hard not fitting in.

And so this was how Pein found him, legs crossed on the floor with one hand fingering the remote lazily and the other propping his head up.  
He didn't jump up and greet his leader as he usually would which for Pein, was a worrying but pleasant change.  
In fact, he didn't even acknowledge the blondes presence.  
Pein entered the lounge room with a bag of groceries under his arm and eyed the orange masked idiot curiously, for a nonenergetic Tobi was a sight to see indeed.  
Furrowing his brow and tilting his head, Pein stomped his foot to alert the man to his presence.  
Tobi didn't budge.  
Trying a different tactic, Pein cleared his throat.  
The bane of his existence raised his hand slightly in greeting but did nothing more.

"Are you alright Tobi?"

Tobi nodded lazily but didn't move from his spot on the floor.  
Puzzled, Pein moved around the black leather couches and sat by the man on the floor – Which Pein wouldn't have been caught dead doing had any of the other Akatsuki been around.  
They said nothing for a few moments and this probably would have gone on had Tobi not let out a woeful sigh.

"Alright, I know something's wrong. What is it?"

Tobi let the hand holding his head drop to the floor and he glanced at his Leader sideways.  
A few seconds and another sigh later, he was ready to talk.

"I don't know, Pein-sama… Sometimes things just don't feel like they are worth it."

"What do you mean?"

"It almost seems like no one likes Tobi anymore… Tobi doesn't feel like he belongs and its making him have bad thoughts."

A raised eyebrow.  
Bad thoughts?  
Pein put a finger to his chin and tried to picture just what Tobi could be talking about.  
Grinning inwardly he considered these words.  
_Definitely not the sort of 'bad' thoughts I have… Heh… Heh heh…  
_Mentally shrugging when he could come up with nothing that seemed to fit Tobis description, he made a rolling motion with his hand, insinuating that Tobi continue speaking.

"Sometimes… It feels like Tobi shouldn't be here… That he should just walk to the river and hold his head underwater until he drowns…"

Pein stiffened and his head shot in Tobis direction.  
The masked man didn't notice his leaders sudden interest and went on drawing circles on the floor with his fingers.  
Of course, when someone is considering suicide, you are supposed to draw their thoughts away from the bad aspects of their life and towards the good, to make them see life is worth living.  
If you remind them of the bad things in their life, it makes the situation worse.  
Rule number one of talking people out of suicide is to avoid asking why they want to die.

"Why do you want to die?"

Peins smirk grew as Tobi began to list all the horrible things in his life with everything ranging from not being able to find his crayons, to eating a funny tasting apple that morning.  
It seemed the list would go on forever.

"-nd then Tobi couldn't find them because it turned out Hidan-sama had hidden them fro-"

The longer Tobi spoke, the more his voice shook with emotion and Pein determined that it was only a matter of time.  
Envisioning in his head all the amazing things they would be able to do with Tobi gone, Pein drifted away from the conversation and began daydreaming.  
He day dreamed magnificent things, all of which ended up with him conquering the world in some way or another and ridding the universe of magnets (because he couldn't walk into shops anymore without his metal chakra rods attracting every magnetized thing in the whole damn room)  
Fifteen minutes passed of Tobi ranting on, getting more and more upset and Pein drifting further and further away into la la land.  
His attention was only caught when Tobi threw his fists against the floor and cried out,

"Tobi is sick of this place! Tobi just wants to die!"

Startled out of his day dream, Pein jumped and glanced at Tobi, momentarily confused as to what they had been talking about.  
Upon remembering the conversation after Tobi began sobbing, Pein put a comforting hand on the masked mans back and replied,

"I think I have a solution."

* * *

They stood on the river banks silently.  
Tobi hiccupped and sobbed quietly whilst Pein tied the ropes to his arms and legs.  
Once all was attached and Sir Leader had tested everything that needed testing, he patted Tobi on the back cheerfully and gave him a sincere grin.

"All good, Tobi. All you have to do is walk out as far as you can and then throw the brick into the current."

Tobi nodded tearfully and with a sob asked,

"Will it hurt?"

Pein considered this.  
Perhaps when you inhaled water as a reflex from lack of air it might sting.  
Getting dragged along underwater and bashing into submerged tree trucks and other debris might make you sore.  
The ropes around Tobis wrists would probably cut into his skin and tear at his flesh.  
He had heard Kisame tell of large piranha-like fish with sharp teeth that tried to bite him whenever he went swimming.  
And if Tobi crashed into anything down there, in all likeliness his mask would shatter and cut into his face.  
Would drowning hurt?

"Nah. It won't hurt. Just like sleeping."

Taking a deep breath, Tobi nodded and closed his visible eye and probably the other one too.  
Pein lowered himself down onto the river bank to watch as Tobi hesitantly picked up the large brick tied to his limbs and walked into the water.  
He got waist deep when his shoulders began to shake with fear and he turned back to land for reassurance.  
Sir Leader raised his arm in acknowledgment before cupping his hands around his mouth and calling,

"You're doing great, Tobi! Just a little more!"

Tobi turned back around and continued to take tiny step after tiny step into the water which sloshed around him in the current.  
When the water reached his elbows, Pein sighed, relaxed and pulled out a celebratory lollypop out of his bag.  
Rainbow, his favorite.  
The best kind of lollypop in the world._**  
Peins face at this time (^_^)**_  
He grasped the edges of the lollypop and attempted to tear away the plastic wrapping.  
Growling as he failed, Pein began to claw at it with his teeth._  
It's like opening a frigging steel safe…_  
Pein pulled the lollypop from his mouth and daggers shot from his eyes as he glimpsed the teeth marks cutting into the sweet treat… from inside the wrapping which remained flawless and untouched.  
Declaring the lollypop 'Pein-proof', Sir Leader threw the sweet away in anger and crossed his arms, huffing in the opposite direction.  
He glanced back to the river and was dismayed to see that Tobi had gone.  
Of course he would miss out of the best thing he would ever witness.  
Sighing he whispered, "Typical…"

"Whats typical, Pein-sama?"

"Nothing Tobi is just tha-…"

He paused, realizing who he was talking to.  
Pein closed his eyes and took a deep breath of air in before doing anything.  
Letting it out slowly, he turned to face the dripping wet Tobi who stood before him with a long white stick under his mask.  
Pein cocked his head at the strange object and looked to Tobi for an explanation.  
Pulling the lollypop out from under his mask, Tobi gave his leader the peace sign,

"Leader-sama is so nice. All Tobi needed was something to lift his spirits so Pein-sama did the nicest thing ever and gave Tobi his favorite lollypop!"

Pein narrowed his eyes in confusion and disappointment rather than anger.  
Lifting a finger, Pein pointed at the lollypop and asked,

"How did you get that open…?"

Tobi glanced down at the lollypop in surprise and considered this question for a while.  
He looked at Pein as if he was silly and replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world,

"Tobi is the Lollypop Whisperer."

Turning on his heel and bouncing away, the man whom everyone wanted dead hopped back in the direction of the base, tripping on occasion over the ropes and brick still tied to his hands and feet.  
Pein narrowed his eyes at the man who had stolen his lollypop and gotten his hopes up.  
Drawing his knees up to his chest and resting his chin on them, he sighed._  
I wish I could talk to lollypops, then I could tell them to make Tobi choke on it…_

* * *

__

**So there you go. Sir Leaders... Actually I dunno if you can call this an attempt... More encouragement?**  
**Whatever the case, I am currently sitting in a McDonalds mooching off their Wifi...  
I should have uploaded this last noght because the people next to us had wifi some how (in a random caravan park..?) but they shut it off when I loudly proclaimed "HOLY SHIT I CAN MOOCH OFF SOMEONES WIFI!"  
So yeah... As always,  
Leave your rates, reviews, complaints and excuses after the beep...  
Beep...**


	16. Byakugan vs Sharingan

**Okay so… I didn't actually choose to do this one.  
I gave my mum a bunch of random words and told her to pick one, each word relating to a different person that I would write a chapter on.  
To my dismay she did not choose Sandwich… Which was Gaara…  
Maybe next time, hmm?  
Rates, reviews, complaints and excuses to be left after the beep and I'll think about answering you back!**

* * *

It wasn't often that Neji trained alone.  
Usually, Tentens mastery of weapons provided superior training circumstances as it allowed him to use his Byakugan to its entirety.  
Today however, Tenten was refusing to come outside, something along the lines of being tired of his pretentious bullshit.  
This normally wouldn't pose too much of a problem as Rock Lee was always more than excited about the thought of challenging Neji to a fight.  
But unfortunately, Lee and Gai were on a mission…  
This had left Neji with a bit of a dilemma and as his many attempts at luring, dragging and begging Tenten to leave the house had all ended in abysmal failure, he had reduced himself to training alone.

It was here in the forests outside Konoha that Neji had found a nice little clearing about 40km away from the village boundary gates.  
All had been quiet and for the first ten minutes of getting there, Neji had sort of just… sat there… at a loss as to how he could train without someone.  
Neji had never trained without someone before…  
It was in this moment, as he was sitting with his legs folded under him and arms crossed grumpily against his chest, that a man fell from the sky.  
His Byakugan being activated, Neji followed the mans descent as soon as he came in range, about 80 metres above him.

When he hit the ground, Neji blinked, unsure what to do.  
For what does one do when someone falls from the sky?  
He briefly considered finding a medic nin but dismissed the idea just as quickly.  
After all, it wasn't _his_fault someone was careless enough to fall from the sky.

He put a finger to his chin in thought of what to do with the strange man, who was now stirring and holding his head.  
Well… He did need a training partner…  
Neji glanced back to the man and his mind was made.  
Getting to his feet, the Hyuuga walked over and stood in front of the man who just so happened to also get to his feet.  
He raised an eyebrow at the orange mask.  
No fashion sense, Neji thought with a sigh.  
His own outfit was glorious, and he made sure Tenten told him every day.  
Probably one of the reasons she wouldn't train with him today.  
Nejis attention returned to the man in front of him and he suddenly found himself very curious as to what was under the hideous mask.  
Many ideas ran through his head as to how to trick the man into taking off the mask.  
Neji praised his genius when he thought of the most obvious thing to do.  
Sticking out his hand, he demanded,

"My name is Neji, now take off your mask!"

The man grasped Nejis hand in his own and shook it vigorously.  
It was at this point in time that Neji realized he was an Akatsuki member, what with the red and white clouded cloak and all.  
He didn't really consider that being a Konoha jounin and an enemy to the Akatsuki, he should probably capture the man.  
Instead the thought, brilliant, a worthy opponent! He shall help me retain my youthful fighting skills.  
Neji paused in his thoughts when he realized that he sounded like a certain green clad rival.

"Tobi is Tobi! But he will not take off his mask!"

Cursing at his plan being foiled, Neji decided that someone of this intelligence level couldn't be an enemy but rather someone from Konoha trying to trick him.  
There was only one way to find out who…

"I challenge you to a duel!"

The man in front of him, seemingly excited by his tone of voice and not actually hearing the words Neji was saying, threw his hands in the air and cheered.  
Neji swore he saw a hint of red emit from the eyehole and was vaguely reminded of a Sharingan before Tobi hugged him in happiness.  
Mildly surprised, he pushed the masked man back.

"Your challenge is to try and hit me and my challenge will be to take off your mask. The first to succeed wins."

Tobi saluted him and he seemed to radiate smiles as they both took fighting stances.  
Confidant in his ability to win, the Hyuuga smirked.  
Even if having the Byakugan was technically cheating.  
Neji was the first to move, jumping forward and using his Gentle Fist to attack all of the chakra points in the mans body.  
He smirked as he made contact over and over and a series of yelping followed each hit.  
Tobi fell to the ground and gave a shaky laugh.

"You're good at this Neji-san."

Nejis brow furrowed irritably.  
How was this guy still giggling like a fool?  
Why wasn't he laying on the ground in pain whilst Neji happily and triumphantly removed his mask?  
He shrugged.  
Oh well, might as well give it a try anyway.  
The Hyuuga casually walked over to Tobi, intent on removing the orange monstrosity.  
Tobi didn't really seem to mind much, not bothering to move away from Nejis intense gaze.  
Before they both knew it, they were centimeters away.  
Neji reached out his hand and grasped the top of the orange mask but stopped when he felt a heavy thud on the back of his head.  
He gazed incredulously at Tobi, who had reached around his back and thunked him gently on the back of the head with a rock.  
Tobis head cocked to the side and he raised his hand to where his mouth would be, as if to stifle giggles.

"Got you Neji-san!"

Growling and narrowing his eyes, Neji pounced on him, taking the loss badly.  
He had always been a sore loser.  
To his surprise, dismay, horror and fury, he seemed to fall right through Tobi, not even making physical contact.  
It occurred to Neji later that this same technique was the reason his Gentle Fist had no effect.  
It also crossed his mind that against such a foe, he probably couldn't win.  
Absolutely furious and frustrated beyond all reason, Neji slumped to the ground, crossed his arms and his legs and "Hmmph'd"  
He didn't even look twice when a giant clay bird landed a few metres away and a man with long blonde hair began having a verbal argument with the man in the orange mask.

"-told you not to jump off the fucking bird, yeah!-"

"-Deidara-sempai!"

"-like a fucking baby, should feed you to Hidan-"

Neji ignored them both, favoring to let his hatred bubble and sizzle inside of him.  
His face began to turn red as the blood rushed into his face.  
Possibly, the steam sizzling off the Hyuugas skin was what attracted Deidaras attention.  
Stalking over with his arms crossed, potentially with the idea of cussing Neji out for being unable to kill his partner, Deidara growled at the prodigy angrily,

"Hey, un! What the hell are yo-"

"Fuck off."

Deidara paused and glowered darkly at Neji.  
It was difficult to tell who was the most explosive at the moment.  
The blonde growled, deeply regretting not being able to kick the Hyuugas ass, having just been contacted by Pein for an urgent meeting.  
Taking a deep breath and instead giving Neji the finger, Deidara put Tobi in a violent headlock and wrestled him none too gently onto the clay bird.  
Neji glanced around and glared at the bird as it took off.  
It occurred to him that he probably could use his Byakugan to see Tobis face.  
Grinning evilly at being able to cheat, Neji activated his dojutsu and watched the man intently.  
After a few seconds he jumped to his feet and screamed at the departing bird,

"FUCK YOU KAKASHI!"

He would later return to the Hidden Leaf Village and ignore the Copy Nin for over a week.  
After all, there was only one man he knew who wore a mask under his mask.

* * *

**Eh heh…  
The idea of this did actually cross my mind at some point and I did consider writing a whole new story for it but…  
I dunno… Tobi wearing a mask under his mask was just a Kakashi thing that I had to do, especially after reading the latest chapter (Which is probably 6 weeks agos chapter because of the net)  
Also I realize that Neji is waaaaaaaaaaay OOC in this but well… Shut up.  
His ego is massive and there is sooo much you can do with it.  
Also, I only have 1-2 weeks of holiday left so you can rest assured that my updates shall be quicker.  
No more buying McFlurries to appease the overlords of Mcdonalds while I mooch of their Wifi!  
Oh yeah, FUCKING BEEP!  
(S'cuse the language, its in my Australian DNA)**


	17. So That's Where Genma Went!

**Hey look! I've made it into a story again instead of random oneshots! (although they will continue)  
But yes, I figured that it would be much more interesting it everyone was friends… It allows for all kinds of nasty little problems hehehe…  
Enjoy this anyway, let me know what you think!**

* * *

Tsunade sat at her desk with her fingers entwined together in front of her face while she glared.  
Normally circumstances such as this would be out of the question; not even dreamed about.  
If she was caught then no doubt she would be demoted as a Kage.  
The situation did not please her, not one bit.  
Across from her stood a tall man with a shock of orange around his face.  
The Akatsuki cloak was ominous in the clean atmosphere of the office and a dark presence followed the man.  
Oh yes… She would surely get demoted.  
He raised a fist to his mouth and coughed, showing off a thumb ring as he did.  
Tsunade narrowed her eyes, still not sure if the discussion was serious or not.  
But as leaders they must cooperate if the situation was dire.  
And apparently it was.

"I have word that Tobi has crossed paths with several of your shinobi already – all of whom have been unable to defeat him. I wish to forge an agreement with the Leaf that he is to be considered top priority and that any ninja who cross him must attempt to capture or kill him."

Tsunade sighed and leaned back in her chair.  
Alliance with the Akatsuki…  
Demoted demoted demoted demoted demoted….  
But if it meant one less Akatsuki member…  
She glanced back at Pein absently, thinking his offer over.  
There was always the chance that this was a trap of course  
Tsunade made sure to check everything before she agreed.  
Why did they need Konohas help in the first place?

"Why don't you kill him yourself?"

At her question Pein seemed to flinch and his eye twitched.  
She could have sworn she detected embarrassment.  
From the corner of the room Tsunade glimpsed Orochimaru grin at Peins discomfort as Kabuto shuffled nervously next to him.  
Akatsuki and the missing nin leader of Otogakure.  
Demote demote demote demote…  
Pein 'hmphed' and crossed his arms.

"Almost my entire organization has tried and failed to kill him."

Tsunade raised a brow at this.  
If what he said was true then she could understand him coming to her, especially if this Tobi was as dangerous as he said.  
She kind of wished he didn't bring Orochimaru into it though…

"Well first thing is first," she began as she reached for a pen and paper, "How have you tried to kill him so far?"

Again, Pein seemed to flinch and grit his teeth.  
Orochimaru said not a word, immensely amused as it was.  
Kabuto was studying the room, pretending not to pay attention but listening to every word.  
Pein growled and listed them off his fingers.

"Well… Sasori tried to make him choke on juice-"

"Pffft…"

Everyone glanced over to Kabuto who hid his laughter surprisingly well with a cough.  
Frowning at him for interrupting, Tsunade turned back to the ominous leader of the Akatsuki and waved her hand to continue talking,

"Then we put him in a box and mailed him to Sasu-"

"THAT'S WHY YOU DID IT!?"

Again, everyone turned to Kabuto who stood pointing at Pein with his mouth wide open.  
Orochimaru looked slightly irritated at this new revelation as well.  
Pein nodded, trying not to let his embarrassment show._  
Even Itachi said that better than I did…_  
Tsunade frowned again,

"Whose idea was it to send him to Sasuke?"

All three of the males in the room uttered, "Itachi." with varying levels of irritation.  
Tsunade decided that despite never meeting him, she liked the Uchiha.  
Pein continued before she asked,

"Deidara attempted to crush him under a landslide but it back fired, hitting someone else instead, Kisame attempted to drown him only to flood our base, Hidan sacrificed him and succeeded but… Well that's a long story… It didn't work anyhow."

Tsunade blew a stray hair from her face and wrote down what he said.  
Quite an assassination list.  
She vaguely wondered if _any_ of their attempts at killing people were successful._  
Why are we scared of the Akatsuki again?_

"Konan almost paper cut him to death but he somehow weaseled his way out of that. The Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi tried poison senbon acupuncture which would have worked if Deidara didn't get in the way…"

"Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi?" Tsunade questioned curiously.

Pein nodded, "Yes but he calls himself Genma, we kind of just disregard that name though."

Tsunades mouth dropped open.  
_THAT'S where Genma went!?_

"We thought Genma was dead! When did he join the Akatsuki!? He has been gone for over a year!"

"Hmm? Oh he didn't join, Zetsu wanted to eat him but we ended up adopting him instead. Don't worry, he gets three meals a day and we walk him."

At this point Orochimaru was unabashedly stifling his laughter with a fist whereas Kabuto wasn't so subtle, rolling around on the floor with tears in his eyes.  
Dumbstruck as she was Tsunade decided to make a mental note of it and deal with it later, pushing it out of her mind.  
She didn't even WANT to know what goes on in the Akatsuki base.  
At least she didn't have to put Genma in the Bingo Book, he was technically still helping Konoha by trying to kill an Akatsuki member.  
Yes, she decided, if anyone asks, he is undercover…

"We believe Tobi has already come into contact with Uzumaki Naruto, Nara Shikamaru and Hyuuga Neji."

Tsunade furrowed her brows.  
Naruto had thrown a big hissy fit claiming that he saw an Akatsuki near Konoha and Neji had ignored Kakashi for about a week all the while setting up explosive tags in his apartment while trying to find his cloak, convinced that Kakashi had dressed up as an Akatsuki member.  
She didn't remember hearing Shikamaru say anything.  
Oh well, she could quiz him later.  
Tsunade counted down the list she had made.  
1. Deidara – explosion  
2. Hidan – sacrifice  
3. Sasori – Juice  
4. Kisame – drowning  
5. Konan – paper cut  
6. Itachi – mail…

"Hang on, from what you have told me only 6 of the Akatsuki have tried to kill him, what about the rest?"

Orochimaru and Kabuto glanced at Pein.

"Zetsu and Kakuzu have yet to try."

Kabuto grinned, "That leaves one more."

"Genma is-"

"Not a part of the organization." Tsunade interrupted.

Pein frowned at them all, clearly not enjoying where this was going.  
Their grins and wiggling fingers made him uncomfortable.  
Knowing the only other way out was to kill himself he muttered,

"I tried to convince him to commit suicide when he was depressed but he saw a lollypop and 'life was worth living again'"

Tsunade sniggered and added it to the list.  
Despite the obvious trouble this Tobi was, she couldn't deny that it was hilarious.  
She was tempted to allow her ninja to try and kill him just so she could watch it all go wrong.  
Not that it would, her ninja were too skilled to lose.  
Little did she know that the three who had faced him so far had become temporary friends with him,  
challenged him to a duel for his own benefit and been too lazy to do anything.

Orochimaru cleared his throat,

"Last time he was with us it had a reverse effect. Itachi mailed him to Sasuke to teach him how to hate but instead Sasuke became severely suicidal. I don't think he is safe to have in our base."

Pein turned on him, his tempter breaking,

"I DON'T CARE! YOU WERE PART OF THIS ORGANISATION TOO ONCE! SEND YOUR CREEPY MUTANT PEOPLE AFTER HIM OR SOMETHING!"

Orochimaru grinned provocatively and Kabuto crossed his arms and glared.  
Tsunade sighed.  
What a day…  
She cleared her throat to get their attention,

"What is a sure fire fail safe way to kill him then?"

Pein raised his hand, "I have an idea."

Tsunade silenced him with a wave of her hand, "I'm not listening to your ideas."

Exasperated and surprised, Pein cried, "Why not!?"

"Because you're idea of killing someone involves juice, the post office and lollypops."

"They weren't my ideas! They were-"

"Silence I am the Hokage!"

Orochimaru glanced between the two as they verbally scuffled.  
He had a few ideas sure, it involved the Kazekage and his Sunagakure ninja although getting them to agree was another matter.  
Silence reigned over the room after Tsunade demanded it which vaguely surprised Orochimaru.  
I mean sure she was the Hokage but since when does she reign superior over an evil missing nin?  
Not that he wouldn't do what she said either…  
Tsunade was scary like that.  
Pein seemed to think so too for he was sulking with his arms crossed.  
Making a spontaneous decision, Orochimaru moved forward and grasped the pen, signing his name on the allied agreement paper that Pein had brought with him.  
Pein, Kabuto and Tsunade watched in silence as he did so.  
Putting it down when he finished, Orochimaru glanced up at them with a smile.

"Even if I don't have anything to benefit from doing this, it's going to be fun."

Tsunades hard look softened slightly as she mentally agreed and considered doing the same.  
She growled upon seeing the three men looking at her expectantly.

"Fine."

Scrawling her own name, she half heartedly threw the pen down, wanting to feel angry at being manipulated but wanting to go along with the manipulation anyway.  
She glared at Orochimaru for good measure, although he knew she didn't mean it.  
And she knew he knew she didn't mean it.  
Pein looked slightly relieved and stood up with his hand outstretched,

"I will put a hold on all other missions and conquests until Tobi is dead."

Orochimaru shook his hand and replied, "I will stop spying on the Akatsuki until Tobi is dead."  
Pein shot him a look and narrowed his eyes, "Since when have you be-"  
"I will stop hunting the Akatsuki until Tobi is dead." Tsunade cut in, grasping Peins hand and jerking him forward, away from her old team mate.  
Pein scowled at her but shook hands none the less.

"Fine. We will call a meeting in a week. Obviously fighting Tobi on our own is failing so we will mix."

Tsunade furrowed her brows and tilted her head.

"Mix?"

Orochimaru placed a hand on her shoulder and nodded, "He means we will see ourselves as an allied forces, that our ninja will work together. For example Hinata Hyuuga from Konoha may be paired with Kisame Hoshigaki from the Akatsuki."

Tsunade snorted at the idea of such a nervous girl being paired with such a terrifying man twice as tall as her.  
The idea was a good one, couple their powers to become stronger.  
Although...

"You have to swear that your shinobi will not kill mine."

Pein nodded and waved his hand dismissively, as though it was a problem long ago solved.  
Tsunade sighed.  
What a day…

* * *

**Is it bad to say I'm excited by my own idea?  
Imagine Hidan paired with Kiba or something!  
It will be madness I tell you!  
I'll also accept ideas for partnerships, because your ideas are better than mine, I just write it out lol.  
As always, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep!  
FUCKING BEEP! (I need to hire someone to do this beep thing for me)**


	18. The Teams Are Revealed!

**The teams emerge!**  
**Its like a perverse version of the Allied Shinobi Forces...**  
**This was actually really difficult to do believe it or not.**  
**It took a while to figure out who should go with who and what combination of people will screw with each other etc**  
**I took a few of the reviews into account and you will probably see that when you read, but in saying that I have also left the option open for the possibility of change, so any other good pairings you guys come up with will be possible too.**  
**I hope you like this chapter anyway haha!**

* * *

Twenty seven irritated shinobi stood in a secret clearing in the depths of Konohas forest.  
They had been called together to discuss a topic of the utmost importance.  
In front of them stood three very different leaders, all from different walks of life, all with contradicting personalities, all with one goal:  
To destroy Tobi.  
Tsunades arms were crossed over her large chest and her brown eyes scanned the group.  
Most of them were keeping to their respective villages and organizations, the Konoha shinobi staying on one side of the clearing with the Akatsuki on the other.  
A thick element of distrust hung in the air.  
The only ones interacting with each other seemed to be Naruto and Itachi.  
Everyone else chattered amongst themselves, the Akatsuki keeping a wary eye on their former enemies and the Konoha shinobi subtly readying their weapons in case something happened.  
The Akatsuki knew what was going on but due to the arrangement needing to be kept secret from the village elders, Tsunade had brought the Hidden Leaf ninja along without telling them what they were doing or why they were marching into the forest.  
Of course she had a very difficult time restraining her ninja from attacking the Akatsuki upon arrival and it had taken quite a while to settle everyone down.  
In Shikamarus words: Troublesome.

"Everyone shut up." Tsunade growled irritably at the shinobi who were now throwing taunts and threats back and forth.  
Under Peins glare, Orochimarus sadistic smile and Tsunades clenching fist, the group seemed to calm down, rather preferring to pay attention instead of being punched by an angry Sennin and/or God.  
Some of them like Shikamaru and Kisame, had crossed their legs and sat down, not really caring about the arguments and just wanting to get on with it.  
The rest stood in varying stances of irritability and distrust.  
Once all was quiet and she was satisfied that she had attention, Tsunade cleared her throat.

"The reason you are all here is because The Village Hidden in the Leaf has formed a secret and temporary allegiance with The Village Hidden in the Sound and the Akatsuki."

Her statement was met with shocked gasps and cries from the Konoha shinobi and rolled eyes from the Akatsuki, who were already aware of the arrangement.  
The more feisty of her ninja yelled out questions and furiously demanded answers for this new development.

"We have formed an allegiance because there is a very serious threat looming over us all. Some of you will have heard of him and even encountered him. Those who haven't will be debriefed now."

The idea of a higher power threatening both the Akatsuki, Konoha AND Orochimaru shocked most of the shinobi into quiet.  
The conspirators among the group, Ino, Kiba and Neji all whispered amongst themselves.  
Something so strong that all of them had to join forces?  
It was something that obviously needed attention.

"The name of this new threat is Tobi. He is an Akatsuki member who-"

"Actually that's not quite right," Pein cut in, "We never promoted him as a member and he does not have a ring. Technically, he is just someone that follows us around."

Tsunade narrowed her eyes at the ominous man for interrupting her.

"Whatever, he is dangerous. He is easy to target due to his distinctive dress. He wears an orange mask, all black and has no visible skin showing. Tobi went missing from the Akatsuki lair a few days ago and his whereabouts remains unknown. Does anyone have any questions?"

Every hand in the audience was raised and Tsunade and Pein sighed.

* * *

Once the initial goal had been explained and all questions ranging from "How strong is he?" "Do we have to?" and "Will we be home in time for dinner?" had been answered, Pein, Tsunade and Orochimaru had begun to hand out the grouping.  
Pein stepped forward first,

"Due to Tsunade being the Hokage, she will not be involved or participate in the teams."

Tsunade nodded, "Instead I will help to keep opposing villages off your trails and cover up for everyones absences."

Orochimaru stood silently, really only having himself and Kabuto to offer. His presence was purely for backup and his own entertainment.  
Tsunade withdrew a scroll from a hidden pocket and unrolled it.  
Her and Pein had stayed up until very early in the morning trying to determine groups and teams.  
It was difficult to know who would work well together and who wouldn't given their lack of knowledge about each others subordinates and Tsunade couldn't afford to send out more jounins, still having a need for them at the village.  
They had decided on one thing however, that at least one Akatsuki member will be with each group.  
This way not only was there an S-rank ninja on each team, but they had all the information on Tobi that the group would require.  
No doubt there was going to be some arguments about the team arrangements but that was to be expected.  
None of the ninja would back out, all of them either wanted Tobi dead, wanted the mission pay or were in it for their own fun.  
Tsunade cleared her throat and reread the scroll quickly before waving everyone down for silence.

"I will read out the teams now. Some of you will be subjected to change groups when deemed necessary, for example, Deidara may get paired with Rock Lee for a separate mission that requires air travel and taijutsu. I don't want any complaining or whining. These are the teams, deal with it okay?"

She was mostly met with nods although several shinobi such as Hidan, Neji and Sakura scowled at having to work with the enemy.  
Tsunade narrowed her eyes at them before continuing.

"Move into your team when I call you out. Team One will consist of the following: Choji Akimichi, Kakashi Hatake, Hinata Hyuuga, Zetsu and Kisame Hoshigaki."

Hinatas legs started shaking and she bit her lip nervously.  
Neji gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze and threw a warning glare at the Akatsuki before she stumbled over to stand next to the two most terrifying people she had ever seen.  
Choji appeared unfazed, though he was wary of the two Akatsuki in his team as he walked over, a bag of chips crinkling in his hands.  
Kisame casually swung Samehada over his shoulder and patted Hinata on the back in what he thought was a friendly and cheerful way to reassure the girl and her cousin that she would be fine, instead only succeeding in terrifying her even more.  
With a nod of his head, Kakashi greeted the two Akatsuki and put away his little orange book.  
Zetsu looked at his group absently and quietly, the lack of emotion in his faces making it difficult to tell what he was thinking.  
The announcement of the first team erased any doubt in any ones minds that this was a joke and an element of seriousness descended on the clearing.  
Who ever truly thought the Akatsuki, Konoha and Otogakure would form an allegiance?  
Tsunade waited until the first team had assembled before beginning again.

"Team Two will be made up of: Shino Aburame, Akasuna no Sasori, Ino Yamanaka, Deidara and Sai."

The five shinobi moved together and stood silently.  
Deidara seemed a mixture of pleased and irritated to be put on the same team as his partner.  
A few of bugs hung around Shino as he stood in the middle and Sasori was actively and irritably swatting and trying to avoid them.  
Ino seemed happy enough to be paired with Sai who was doing nothing more than smiling.  
Holding his hand out as he had seen in books, Sai greeted the two Akatsuki,

"Hello Mr Sasori, Miss Deidara."

As soon as the word 'miss' had been used, Ino slapped her hand across Sais mouth and Sasori unleashed the hidden coil from underneath his robes and wrapped it around Deidaras body to restrain him.  
All three mouths gnashing, Deidara turned red began hurling curses at the boy, some of which Sai had never heard of and made a mental note to add them to his vocabulary.

"-OT A WOMAN YOU FUCKING PALE PRICK, WILL SHOVE MY FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS-"

Sasori wrapped the coil a little tighter, causing Deidara to struggle more and scream less.  
He glanced at Ino and gave her a look. It wasn't a look of irritation or anger, just a simple look, as though he was expecting her to speak.  
Sai smiled cheerily at Shino and Deidara, seemingly unaware of the tension he had caused.  
Ino chuckled hesitantly at Sasori.

"Sorry, he has a disability…"

Across the clearing, Kakuzu had wrapped his threads around Hidans head, gagging the priest to stop his laughter for fear of further antagonizing Deidara.  
Tsunade continued, unhindered by the commotion whilst Pein glared at the artists to behave.

"Team Three will consist of: Naruto Uzumaki, Orochimaru, Uchiha Itachi, Neji Hyuuga and Rock Lee."

Surprisingly, every single person who was called out cheered and dashed happily to meet up with the team.  
Orochimaru seemed delighted with the idea of being paired with Itachi, whose body he still had ambitions for.  
Itachi and Naruto hi-fived and greeted each other enthusiastically, reaching into their pockets and exchanging still warm containers of dango and ramen, causing Tsunade and Pein to raise an eyebrow at the fact that they were so familiar with each other.  
Neji seemed pleased to have another dojutsu user who he obviously was considering fighting and Lee was just happy to be there.  
Everyone present tilted their head at the strange celebration going on.  
Most of the Akatsuki knew of Naruto and Itachis friendship but all else present were baffled.  
Clearing her throat and frowning, Tsunade read,

"Team Four is: Kiba Inuzuka, Kabuto Yakushi, Tenten, Pein and Kakuzu."

No one really knew what to think of this team considering the only people who were remotely familiar were Pein and Kakuzu.  
Tenten usually avoided Kiba, being slightly allergic to dogs and he seemed to respect and comply with her needs.  
Where Kabuto fit in was any ones guess but he ambled into the group nonetheless, clearly displeased at being separated from Orochimaru.  
He slumped to the ground irritably and drew circles in the dust with a scalpel whilst Kiba looked Kakuzu and Pein up and down curiously.  
Tenten seemed thrilled to be paired with two Akatsuki members, having wanted someone to train against that wasn't Neji and wasn't a jerk… Not that she really knew what Kakuzu and Pein could be like.

"The last team, Team Five will be: Shikamaru Nara, Umino Iruka, Hidan, Maito Gai, Sakura Haruno and Konan."

Hidan, unsurprisingly, immediately complained.

"What the hell is this shit, a fucking rainbow? You've got me paired with a green leprechaun douchebag, a pink headed bitch and a blue haired paperslut? And why the fuck do I have to be with him!?"

Hidan pointed to Shikamaru furiously who did nothing more than cross his arms and sigh.  
Iruka crossed his arms and scowled at Hidans language, his teacher mode taking over despite being given leave from the academy.  
Sakura and Konan were quickly turning red and advancing on the Jashinist with sadistic grins of hatred plastered over their faces.  
Gai pushed them aside however and bounded up to Hidan happily,

"This language! It is the sign of youth! Such fire and passion! YOUTH!"

Hidan quickly shrugged him off and raised his scythe threateningly as Iruka muttered under his breath, "The language of the Tourettes more like…"  
Sakura and Konan glared at him and Shikamaru rested his hands behind his neck and threw his head back in irritation.  
Of course he would get stuck with the freaky immortal guy that hates him…  
Gai began to try and hug Hidan, clearly finding his youthfulness rivaling Lees.  
The Jashinist began wailing and beating at him to let go, more frightened than annoyed at this point.  
Kakuzu tilted his head in amusement from across the clearing, vaguely wondering if Hidan would leave him alone if he took to hugging the Jashinist.

"Get off me you gay fuck!"

Their squabbling continued for a second until Tsunade stalked over and punched Gai in the face, sending him catapulting into a tree.  
Hidan looked at the man half stuck out of the trunk and blinked.  
Grinning suddenly, he turned to face Tsunade,

"Hey thanks! You aren't so fucking bad after all."

Tsunade glared at him and muttered,

"Behave or you are next. I only did that because I have wanted to for a very… long… time…"

Shrugging his shoulders and turning away, Hidan replied, "Whatever, I don't care, seriously."  
Scowling, Tsunade resumed her position at the head of the small army they had amassed and crossed her arms.  
The Five Teams looked at her expectantly, some of them content with their groups, some of them not so much.  
One thing was for sure, Team Three was the happiest team in existence.  
The silence lasted for a few seconds.  
When it became clear that Tsunade was not going to speak, Pein held his hands out for attention.

"Now that you know your groups we are giving you all a day to get to know each other before missions will begin. Use this time to train and learn the ins and outs of your techniques. The better the teamwork the more chance we have of killing Tobi and make no mistake that IS what this is about. Just because you don't like someone in your group does not mean you should not cooperate. The ultimate goal is more pleasing in the long run."

The shinobi seemed to grudgingly agree with that.  
Those who had not crossed Tobi had been told fearsome tales about him, some of which may or may not have been true.  
Whatever the case, Pein stood over them with a rising feeling in his chest.  
For once it looked like there might be real hope of killing the bastard.

* * *

**So there you have it!**  
**Hopefully it is good enough for your liking so far haha!**  
**Its so weird making konoha interact with the akatsuki in such a way.**  
**As always, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep!**  
**Beep, fucking beep!**


	19. Bad Eyesight and Steamed Vegetables

**A quick update I know. But I have writing fever again! I cant help it!**  
**This is just a few short things so you can see how the teams are beginning to interact... **  
**Current music playing: Skeletor vs Beastman... Dont listen to it unless you want to be severely disturbed... But do it anyway!**  
**Enjoy!**

* * *

Deidara sat leaning against a tree with his arms crossed.  
He had been glaring at Sai across the fire for most of the night and silently wishing Itachi was here to set him alight with Amaterasu.  
I mean sure, he could blow the kid up himself, but for once Deidara wanted something to go slowly so that Sai could suffer as flames consumed him, not wink out of existent instantaneously via explosion.  
And he wouldnt be feeling this way if the brat hadnt mistaken him for a woman, although Deidara was sure he did it on purpose.

Sasori sat beside him with his legs crossed, fixing up one of his smaller puppets.  
He glanced at his partner every few seconds before returning to work.  
It wasn't that he was worried Deidara would do something stupid, it was more just the fact that every time Sasori looked at him, a different expression seemed to be playing across his features... It was amusing.  
Ino had obviously noticed it as well and in a very tactful move, had shuffled away from Sai and sat next to the bomber himself.  
Shino, not wanting to deal with the tension, had left them momentarily to find more wood for the fire and Sasori was very grateful for this.  
Those chakra beetles he had were a very close relative of the termite, in fact they were pretty much termites with wings.  
He would rather Deidara blow him up than get eaten by termites…  
The minute Shino had left, the puppet master had dashed over to sit beside Deidara, startling Ino in the process.

Despite the fire, it was a cold night and Ino soon found herself shivering.  
It was a difficult situation to be in, wanting to look beautiful but trying to stay warm at the same time.  
Her short skirt and top was what had betrayed her.  
Sasori glanced passed Deidara to Ino every few minutes, noting that the girls teeth were starting to chatter mildly.  
Finally he dropping his tools and sighed.  
Shrugging off his cloak, he passed it across his partners lap to Ino.  
She looked at the cloak and back to him with wide curious eyes.

"I don't need it, Deidara would have given you his hours ago if he wasn't too busy glaring. He is such a _gentleman_ like that."

Ino glanced up to Deidara and towards Sai then back a few times.  
A snicker escaped her lips at Deidaras intense staring towards a boy who really could care less.  
The word 'gentlemen' was said dripping with sarcasm so Ino could only assume that Deidaras attention to women was not always as pure as he made it out to be.  
She turned back to Sasori, trying to ignore the drop in her stomach when she saw his wooden body.  
With grateful smile, she took the cloak and put it on, noting that it was cold, lacking body warmth from its previous wearer.  
Blushing slightly, Ino replied,

"Thank you."

Sasori nodded in approval and went back to his puppets.

As a result of everyones shuffling around and changing positions, Sai soon found himself alone on one side of the fire.  
This gave him a wonderful view of three out of his four new team mates.  
He tilted his head and squinted his eyes before a grin spread over his face.  
Ever so perceptive Deidara instantly growled at him,

"What are you grinning at, hnn?"

This caught Inos immediate attention and whatever it was, she was sure it wouldn't improve the strained relationship between Deidara and Sai.  
Just out of the blonde Akatsukis sight range, Ino waved her hands back and forth and mouthed 'no', trying to discourage the emotional impaired fool from talking which would probably result in a tirade of explosions in varying size  
Sai grinned, waved at Ino then replied,

"From where I am sitting, Ino looks like an Akatsuki member."

Deidaras tense shoulders relaxed a little and he glanced at Ino in confusion.  
His visible eye squinted at the Akatsuki cloak she was wearing before he turned to look at Sasori.  
The puppet master was continuing to work on his puppets and was shamelessly exposing his wooden chest.  
Understanding why Sai thought Ino looked like an Akatsuki member, he nodded and leaned back against the tree.  
Ino sighed, that wasn't as bad as she thought it would be.  
But it wasn't over.  
Deidara glanced back to Sai when he began talking again,

"In fact… She looks exactly like you Deidara. But no… That's not right because Ino looks like a woman. Maybe it's that you look like her."

Without looking up from his work, the coil in Sasoris chest yet again extended and wrapped around Deidaras chest, pinning his arms against his body, this time being sure to wrap a coil around the blonde mans mouth.  
Ino angrily threw a small rock at Sai, satisfied when it hit him in the head and took up Deidaras favourite sport: Glaring.  
Everything was just starting to get a bit better and she had hoped they were on the borderline of getting along.  
She crossed her arms and 'hmphed'  
Sasori, ever so practical pointed to Sai with a screwdriver.

"Make one of your ink birds and go find Shino. He has been gone for a while."

Smiling at the three shinobi in front of him and oblivious to the scene he had created, Sai stood up and walked towards the larger clearing a few meters away where he would have enough room to paint a bird.  
Deidara watched him leave with narrowed eyes.  
Ino sighed and admired Sasoris logical and quick thinking, sending him a small grateful smile when she thought he was looking.  
Once the boy was gone, Sasoris coils loosened around Deidara and he fell back to the ground.  
There was a shuffling in the bushes to their rear.

"He has bad eyesight."

Deidara, Sasori and Ino glanced behind them to Shino who had just stepped out from behind a tree.  
Sasori immediately jumped over the fire to the other side of the clearing, knocking over the puppet he had been working on and swatting at bugs as he did.  
Ino furrowed her brows at Shino, not entirely sure if he was correct.  
Didn't you have to have 20/20 vision to be in ROOT?  
She glanced back to Deidara and noticed he seemed to be calming down, obviously assuming that Sai had been mistaken after all.  
They both did have exactly the same hairstyle after all.  
Well if Sais vision wasnt good then Deidara would make it easier to be distinguished.  
Inos eyes widened as he reached up and pulled the band from his hair and she felt a sliver of drool threaten to escape her lips.  
Across the fire a faint smile was visible playing on Sasoris lips as he listened to Shinos lie.

* * *

Kakashi sat next to a tree reading his favorite book.  
He had been trying for the last few hours to block out and ignore the mutterings of conversation from his new team, all the while trying to console Hinata who hadn't stop shaking since the team was announced.  
It might have had something to do with Zetsu sitting beside her earlier and the conversation that followed.  
Kakashi looked back on the conversation and winced.

**_Zetsu nodded to Hinata and motioned to the empty space beside her,_**

**_"Is this spot free?"_**

**_It was really quite a silly question because everyone else was already seated and the spot was quite obviously free._**  
**_Zetsu really only did it to start a conversation and give the girl an opportunity to say no._**  
**_He had no illusions about his looks and how he terrified people._**  
**_As it was, Hinata was shaking slightly but nevertheless she nodded and shuffled over slightly to give him room to sit._**  
**_Kakashi had watched the small exchange out of the corner of his eye._**  
**_Zetsu reached into his carry bag and pulled out a bottle and two cups, Hinata eyed him nervously as he did._**  
**_Lifting the bottle slightly, he gave her the least scary smile he could offer,_**

**_"Orange juice?"_**

**_Hinata bit her lip and nodded, her shaking calming slightly._**  
**_Zetsu poured a generous amount into each cup and handed her one with his eyes curved upwards in a way that was almost appealing...  
Almost..._**  
**_She couldn't help but wait for him to take a sip first though, just in case it was poisoned._**  
**_He seemed to know what she was thinking and didn't hesitate to drink, wanting and trying to make her feel more comfortable around him, they would be working together after all._**  
**_When he had drunk more than half his cup, Hinata took a grateful sip._**  
**_Maybe the Akatsuki weren't as bad as she had always thought._**  
**_They sat in silence for a moment until Zetsu half turned to her with eyebrows furrowed,_**

**_"That boy over there, he is your friend isn't he?"_**

**_Hinata followed the finger he was pointing to Choji and nodded._**  
**_Zetsu nodded too, seemingly deep in thought._**  
**_Stuttering slightly and really quite curious, Hinata asked,_**

**_"Do you know him from somewhere?"_**

**_Zetsu turned back and gave her a friendly smile before refilling their cups._**  
**_Truthfully, he had never met, seen or heard of Choji._**  
**_He shook his head and in a voice that sounded much deeper than usual replied,_**

**_"I was just wondering what he tasted like."_**

**_It was at this point that Hinata spat her juice out in a violent spray and began to choke and cough._**  
**_In shock and surprise, Zetsu patted her on the back to help her recover,_**

**_"Are you okay!?" he cried with genuine concern in his voice._**

**_Hinata nodded and decided to give herself the benefit of the doubt and assume he was joking._**

Kakashi shook his head at the memory.  
On a brighter note, Choji and Kisame had been getting along fairly well, the latter of the two continuously bursting into laughter at something Choji was saying, although what it was Kakashi didn't know.

* * *

"Say that again… What you just said, I can't have heard you right."

Kisame was desperately fighting down bouts of laughter at Choji, whom he was now deeming his new best friend.  
The Akimichi furrowed his brows and tilted his head in the direction of Hinata and Zetsu.  
Repeating his earlier statement, Choji muttered,

"I don't know what it is… He just looks so tasty… Like an overgrown vegetable…"

Kisame burst into laughter all over again.  
It wasn't often he heard someone turn the tables and want to eat Zetsu.  
Choji looked at Kisame, glad he could make the man laugh but wishing to be taken seriously.  
It was the Kirigakure nins fault after all, he had finished the last of Chojis emergency packets of chips.  
Not that he held it against him… They were delicious chips…  
But not as delicious as steamed green food vegetables...

* * *

**So there you are. **  
**The next one I post will probably be Itachi and Narutos group.**  
**I'm saving the group with Hidan, Iruka, Shikamaru, Sakura and Konan for last because I know thats what you are all hanging out for XD**  
**As always, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep and my secretary will get back to you.**  
**(Her name is Cindy or something..)**


	20. And Here You Thought Lee was Annoying

**So this is Team Threes bonding.  
Orochimaru, Naruto, Itachi, Neji and Lee… And things go wrong… So horribly wrong XD  
Enjoy.**

* * *

To say that Orochimaru felt left out was probably an understatement.  
Normally being alone with minimal companions was something he was used to, what with abandoning his village and his only two 'friends' being a homicidal teenager and a prematurely graying, half-blind medic.  
At the moment though, it was safe to say he was COMPLETELY out of his comfort zone.  
He glumly watched the rest of his new team from the woods as he picked up firewood.  
Sounds of giggling and enthusiastic cries of joy erupted from the clearing frequently, every time they did making Orochimaru want to pound his head against a tree.  
He was all for Operation: Kill Tobi but come on…  
Even reliving his defeat at the hands of Itachi wasn't as depressing as this.

Originally he had been ecstatic when he found out he was on a team with both Naruto Uzumaki AND Itachi Uchiha.  
Even having a Byakugan prodigy was exciting.  
He had hopes of extracting some of the Kyuubis chakra for his various experiments and was enjoying Itachis company for obvious reasons.  
Perhaps he could throw away his ambitions of grooming Sasuke to be his new body.  
Sasuke was just a watered down version of his brother after all.  
But instead of everything being exciting and fun as he has expected, he almost felt like a fifth wheel.  
And it had been like this since they had left the original meeting place.

Naruto and Itachi had wandered off ahead of the team on their own, whispering and giggling into each others ears while the Uchiha fended off the playful boy with noogies and smiles.  
Orochimaru had narrowed his eyes at the pair.  
He didn't like the way they constantly turned to look at him before chuckling and resuming their whispering like they shared a secret about him..  
The other two weren't much better.  
The one in green, Lee, had been badgering Neji nonstop since they left about stupid little things.  
Who seriously wants to walk the rest of the way to their destination on their hands?  
If he was to be completely honest, Lee was the one he hated the most…  
Not much had changed since they settled down for the night.

Itachi and Naruto were still giggling – although this had stopped briefly when they each discovered they were out of ramen and dangos.  
The only noticeable change with the other two was that the Byakugan user – Neji, was gritting his teeth with an obvious vein pulsing in his head.  
Orochimaru sympathized with him.  
Rock Lee was most definitely a nutcase and to be honest, he was irritating Orochimaru more than Itachi and Naruto's little exchanges.  
There had to be a way to shut him up.  
A metaphorical light bulb switched on above the sennins head and a sinister grin overcame his face when he realized that he had the cure for this annoyance all along.

Itachi smiled at his friend as the boy wiped a tear from his eye.  
He almost felt bad for not bringing Naruto more ramen than he had, although how he could possibly have carried more without attracting attention was beyond him.  
He had already gotten suspicious looks from Pein about his over packed bag and the sloshing noise it made when he walked.  
Oh well. He had made the boy happy temporarily.

"Why is the ramen gone-dattebayo…?"

Itachi ruffled his hair with a soft smile and glanced into the woods as Orochimaru emerged with an armful of firewood.  
Something about the Sennin's smug face made Itachi slightly nervous.  
He had a look that said 'I know something you don't and shit is about to go doooooown!'.  
The Uchiha watched stoically as Orochimaru dropped the logs next to the fire and pulled a strange little vial from his robe.  
He turned away before Itachi could see anymore and he narrowed his eyes at the man's turned back, making a mental note to keep a very close eye on him.  
Why he was paired with Naruto, Neji AND Orochimaru in the first place was beyond him.  
I mean, the creeper was dedicating his life to making himself immortal and acquiring every jutsu in existence.  
So how about we team him up with a jinchurikki, a Byakugan user and a Sharingan wielder?  
Itachi could almost feel the face palms of all Orochimaru's dead test subjects.  
He himself was tempted to murmur profanities under his breath at the Hokage and Pein.  
But he was an Uchiha… And Uchiha's don't curse.  
…Much…

Itachi vaguely noticed that Naruto had become very silent and glanced at the boy curiously.  
The boy's eyebrows were furrowed and he was watching Orochimaru quietly, seemingly as interested in the man's movements as he was.  
Itachi turned his gaze back to Orochimaru who at this point in time was handing Rock Lee a cup with a strange green liquid inside.  
Before Itachi could make a move to stop him or even cry out a warning, Lee had gulped it down.  
Time stood still and a silence descended as everyone in the clearing looked at him in shock.  
Neji was gaping at his team mate, seemingly unable to comprehend the stupidity of drinking something offered to him by a missing nin.  
Naruto was gritting his teeth and looking very much like he was about to strangle said perpetrator.

"Orochimaru…"

The Sennin turned to look at the Uchiha with a triumphant smile on his face.  
He grinned and replied, "Yeeeeees?"  
Itachi narrowed his eyes and glared.

"What did he just drink?"

Feigning innocence, Orochimaru began to play the 'I don't know what you are talking about' card.  
Before he could begin, he was surrounded by three very angry ninja.  
Rock Lee seemed oblivious to the scene around him and sat in front of the fire, blinking into it.  
Itachi grabbed the man by the shirt and pulled him closer, his Mangekyou Sharingan whirling threateningly.  
Orochimaru couldn't help but gulp at the glare he was being given.  
Waving his hands back and forth in front of his face, he cried,

"Okay okay! I just spiked his drink with a relaxant. His constant speeches on youth and random jabbering were annoying me. "

Itachi relaxed his grip slightly and glanced at the drugged ninja.  
He certainly did seem to have toned down a little.  
Releasing his hold, he sent the Sennin one last glare and returned to his seat across from the fire.  
Being set free from Itachi's dark presence made him feel a little easier.  
Neji sighed and discreetly smiled to Orochimaru, inwardly screaming with joy.  
It's not every day that Rock Lee calms down enough to be deemed a normal person.  
Naruto growled irritably and followed Itachi, slumping down beside him and watching Lee carefully.  
Orochimaru smiled at them,

"I haven't brought anything on this mission that could endanger us and nor do I plan to. I was originally going to try and slip that drug to Tobi to relax him enough to be taken captive but I figured this was a better use for it. Other things I brought along include energy boosting formulas and chakra enhancing medicine. I have a special one that does both at once. They will be useful for future battles."

Itachi nodded his understanding from across the clearing, still not particularly liking the idea of Orochimaru supplying them with drugs.  
Neji seemed torn between his thoughts, on one hand he looked like he wanted to hug the Sennin for his actions but on the other, was finding it difficult to trust him as well.

From beside the fire, Rock Lee stood up and flexed his muscles.  
A very creepy, very manic grin spread across his face as he glanced around at everyone silently.  
Itachi raised an eyebrow and Orochimaru tilted his head.  
With an almighty scream, Lee jumped into the air, shooting for the sky and achieving a height about 3 times that he usually would.  
Naruto gasped and shielded his eyes from the light of the full moon as he watched Lee's rise and descent.  
He whizzed back to earth at a tremendous speed.  
As soon as he touched the ground, Lee disappeared in a flurry of leaves, a blur of green bouncing off the trees and ground, circling the team.  
Orochimaru furrowed his brows and pulled out the vial that he had spiked Lee's drink with.  
One glance at the label and he began to chuckle very hesitantly.  
All eyes turned to him as he sheepishly turned the bottle around, exposing the name tag on the side.

_Chakra and energy enhancing formula._

For the second time that evening, all presents mouth dropped open in disbelief.  
Orochimaru sighed and pulled another bottle from his robe, this one reading _Relaxant drug._

"Sorry everyone… That really was a mistake… They are the same color…"

Itachi gave into temptation and face palmed… groaning violently.  
Naruto patted his back comfortingly while Neji dropped to his knees and began to sob.  
The speed that Lee was travelling was intense and soon the fire was blown out.  
In what was probably his most tactful move to ever be used, Naruto, while still sitting down, timed his aim carefully.  
Drawing back his arm, he punched Rock Lee right in the stomach, not succeeding in slowing him down, but forcing him into the next little clearing, giving them all space.

"How long does it last?"

Orochimaru paused in his preparation to cheer for Naruto and glanced at Itachi fearfully.  
All eyes turned to him as he placed the vials back into his robe.  
Gulping, he sheepishly replied, "About 3 hours…"  
Simultaneous groans echoed throughout the camp.  
Of course this would happen…  
A violent gust of wind blew that had nothing to do with Lee, followed by a repetitive swishing noise.  
Naruto looked up to the sky.  
At what he saw, he jumped to his feet and pointed,

"Aghh! What is that dattebayo!?"

Itachi looked to the heavens, his impaired eyesight taking him a second to confimr what he was seeing. Once his vision was focused, Sharingan red eyes widened and he cried out in horror.  
Oh no…  
_Oh hell no…_

* * *

**Cliffy mwahahaha.**

**I know you love cliff hangers.  
The next chapter should be out soon though.  
I haven't began to write it yet because I have been screwing around trying to write Hidan, Sakura, Konan, Iruka and Shikamarus team bonding… Which is going lovely by the way (insert snickering here)  
Tenten, Kiba, Pein, Kakuzu and Kabutos team bonding will come out before that team though because:  
A) that's the order I wrote the teams in  
B) they are actually really difficult to write (because you can do soooo much with Hidan and Iruka its not funny)  
And C) because I think that's the chapter a few people are hanging out for so I want to do it well.  
Anyway, rates, reviews, complaints and excuses will be heard after the loud, irritating, mechanical, high tone produced as an alert signal…  
Or just 'beep' for short**


	21. Tease

**This is a teaser chapter because I am reaaaally busy at the moment and it might be a while before I can update a full, proper chapter.**  
**So I am sorry about that. **  
**Either way, it's a taste of what is to come so enjoy it :D  
Also I would like peoples opinions on whether they want Tobi to end up being evil in this story, or keep him oblivious and innocent?**

* * *

Sakura tilted her head at the scene in front of her, not sure whether she was more amused or frightened.  
It probably would have been okay for Hidan if he didn't swear all the time, then maybe this wouldn't have happened.  
But in saying that, whoever expected Iruka to go bat shit crazy over something so little?  
The grey haired Akatsuki didn't seem to be someone who was scared of anything and if what he said was true (and Sakura was inclined to believe it was) and he didn't have to worry about death, then he was practically invincible.  
He didn't seem so fearless at the moment though… In fact he looked terrified… and angry…  
Probably more terrified.

"GET THE FUCK-" slap "-OW! OFF ME YOU STUPID SON OF A BIT-" slap "ARGH FUCK-" slap "CUT IT OUT YOU STUPID MOTHERFU-" slap, slap "SERIOUSLY!"

"Say please…"

"FUCK OFF I'M GONNA SAY-" slap "FUCKING-" slap "FINE! COULD YOU PLEASE GET THE FUCK OFF ME!?"

"…"

"…Please… get... off... me…"

"Well since you asked nicely."

Iruka stood up and got off Hidan so that the priest could move again.  
It seemed that being a full time teacher for years on end had instilled in Iruka a violent reaction to people who swore.  
Sakura supposed that Hidan had just said 'fuck' one too many times.  
But at the same time, no one expected Iruka to jump him and wrestle him to the ground over it.  
In fact, all present seemed quite astonished that the kindhearted chunnin so easily conquered an S-rank Akatsuki.  
Even Gai seemed impressed.  
Konan had turned her back since it began and had been laughing so hard that she fell over, antagonizing Hidan to the point of screaming curses at her to help him.  
Of course every time he swore, Iruka would just lean down and slap him across the face.  
Sakura herself had had to repress her giggles.  
Hidan had so much pride that he didn't for a second consider apologizing.  
When the scuffle had begun, Shikamaru had sat down and crossed his legs boredly, waiting for the team to get moving again.  
If he was amused by Hidan and Irukas battle he didn't show it.  
When they both stood up, Gai had looked like he was considering giving a speech on youth but a look from Iruka silenced him.  
Apparently, Hidans language had ticked him off more than everyone thought and a friendship speech probably wasn't the best cure.

As Iruka moved away from the foul mouthed Akatsuki, Konan tapped his shoulder.  
With a smile and barely tinted cheeks, she looked up at him with twinkling eyes,

"I have been waiting for someone to do that for years… Want to be friends?"

Iruka glanced at her outstretched hand and then back to her face.  
He rubbed the back of his neck and gave her a grin as he shook her hand,

"Sure, it will make everything so much better if we all get along. Violence just isn't the answer between the Akatsuki and Konoha."

Shikamaru snorted in amusement and turned his head.  
From behind Iruka, Hidan muttered, "Like hell it isnt…"  
A trickle of blood ran from the corner of the priests mouth where he had been pounded into the ground by an angry Iruka.  
Hesitantly and not sure if she was doing the right thing, Sakura moved over to Hidan and lifted her hand to his face, cupping his cheek.  
He glared at her for a moment and looked like he was going to yell until he noticed the green glow.  
The anger in his eyes faded and his expression softened very, very slightly.  
Konan raised a brow at Hidan with a tiny smile, never seeing him be so patient for someone without swearing.  
Although in saying that, this healing method WAS a lot less painful than Kakuzus vicious tentacle wound rape.  
The glow faded and Sakura removed her hand.  
Hidan ghosted his face with his fingers where he had been injured and found no pain.  
Wiping the blood from his chin with the back of his shirt, he glanced at Sakura momentarily before nodding and muttering a quick 'thanks'  
A second passed and he suddenly smirked,

"At least you are nicer than that fuc-…"

He glanced over his shoulder as he spoke… and hesitated.  
Iruka was watching him with a heated glare, daring him to say another word.  
Hidan narrowed his eyes back before turning to Sakura.  
Coughing uncomfortably, he pointed over his shoulder and muttered, "him…"

* * *

**So there you are.**  
**The next chapter will be out soon, continuing on from the last chapter.**  
**Ill give you three words as a hint:**

**Clay, green, sand.**

**Enjoy guessing whats going to happen!**


	22. Team Up! Deidara and Sai vs The World

**This is going to be switching back and forth a little bit so bare with me.  
Pein, Kakuzu, Kiba, Kabuto and Tentens team along with Iruka, Hidan, Konan, Sakura and Shikamarus team will emerge shortly, gotta get this outta the way though.  
Enjoy!**

* * *

Not much had changed since Shino had returned.  
Sasori was distancing himself as far away as humanly (or puppetly) possible from the chakra eating beetles that hung around the boy.  
Why he wouldn't just call them back was beyond him, it was almost like Shino wanted him to suffer…  
Ino was still snuggled up in his cloak, having fallen asleep against the tree an hour ago, although how she managed it on the hard and uneven ground he would never know.  
She looked like she was a high maintenance kind of girl.  
Sasori had to throw rocks at Deidara on several occasions when he had attempted to undo her hair tie.  
Apparently, having his own hair untied made him feel weird, so in an effort to make it easier for Sai to distinguish who was a female and who wasn't, Ino's hair had to come out.  
Shino didn't seem bothered by the whole situation, deeming the two Akatsuki as a minimal threat to their current situation.  
Sai had returned from his flight around the area and in a move that just _had _to be to annoy Deidara, had sat right next to the artist.  
The only brief moment of interest they shared in each other had been when Sai had begun to draw and the ink paintings had caught Deidara attention.  
Of course, once he found out that Sai believed art was eternal he turned his back on the boy once more.  
Sasori had found the entire thing amusing until Sai had commented on his physical features.

"If you had the ability to change your body, why didn't you make your face less ugly?"

Oh how Sasori had hated that comment…

A messenger hawk fluttered down from the sky and landed on Sasoris shoulder.  
It took him little more than a few seconds before the note was out of the birds leg strap and unrolled in his hands.  
A slight smirk left his lips when he read the letter, prompting Deidara to grudgingly ask,

"What?"

Shaking his head in amusement, Sasori read the letter out loud.

* * *

_Team Two,_

_We request the service of Deidara and Sai for a separate mission relevant to the cause._  
_Due to their ability to fly, the two shinobi are required to pick up two other ninja (names stated below) and fly to The Village Hidden in the Sand to have an audience with the Kazekage regarding the mission._  
_Further information will be sent via messenger hawk later on in the night._  
_The locations of Teams One and Three are shown below._

_Hokage, Tsunade Senju_

* * *

Deidara threw back his head and growled irritably,

"So I'm stuck with him again!?"

The blond pointed to Sai in not very carefully hidden frustration.  
Sasori just smirked, letting the ink master answer for him, knowing that what he said would be so much better explained than if he told Deidara himself.  
With a very fake smile, Sai replied,

"No, we are required to pick up the other two shinobi seperately. If you were half way intelligent you would have realized that."

Deidara growled animalisticly under his breath and made strangling motions with his hands.  
In the darkest corner of the clearing, Shino watched on, not really caring what happens.  
If Sai got himself blown up because he couldn't keep his mouth shut then that was his problem.  
Moving over to the overly excited (sarcasm) artists, the puppet master showed them the names on the scroll.  
Sasori smirked sadistically and asked them casually,

"So who is going to pick up who?"

"I shotgun that one!"

Sasori and Sai looked to Deidara questioningly as he lowered the hand he pointed at the scroll upon calling out his wishes.  
Sai smirked when he saw who Deidara had chosen to escort and nodded.  
Drawing a bird of ink, Sai gracefully leapt onto its back and saluted the blonde cheerily.

"Well, good luck!"

* * *

Of course this would happen…  
A violent gust of wind blew that had nothing to do with Lee, followed by a repetitive swishing noise.  
Naruto looked up to the sky.  
At what he saw, he jumped to his feet and pointed,

"Aghh! What is that dattebayo!?"

Itachi looked to the heavens, his impaired eyesight taking him a second to confimr what he was seeing. Once his vision was focused, Sharingan red eyes widened and he cried out in horror.  
Oh no…  
_Oh hell no…_

A great clay bird descended slowly towards them, a grumpy looking Deidara balancing on its back.  
Itachi groaned.  
The team was emotionally frustrated as it was but adding Deidara to the mix would prove catastrophic.  
Landing the white bird a few metres away, Deidara jumped to the ground and walked towards Itachi.  
Grinning awkwardly, the Uchiha prepared for what was to come.  
Because there was no way in hell it was going to be good.

"I'm here to pick up Rock Lee, un."

Itachi blinked at his former team mate and then glanced through the trees to the next clearing where Lee was still bouncing all over the place.  
Naruto coughed to mask his giggling and non-so-subtly turned to hide behind a tree, not particularly wanting the explosive blonde to see him choking on laughter.  
Deidara furrowed his brows at Itachi and waved a hand in front of Itachis emotionless face.

"Well!?"

Slowly, and not betraying a hint of emotion, Itachi pointed through the trees.

"He's over there."

Deidara nodded and threw Itachi a dirty look, obviously still holding a grudge against the Uchiha before turning on his heel and marching into the next clearing.  
It was in this moment that Itachi felt quite a bit of pity for Deidara.  
Sasori wouldn't have let the man leave his original group unless it was an order and Deidara wouldn't willingly pick up Lee period.  
Itachi doubted that they had ever met before, but it was safe to say that in a normal mood, Lee would piss Deidara off.  
In THIS mood… Something was going to get blown up.  
Surely the Hokage knew better than that?

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?"

Itachi nodded.  
Yes, the Hokage should have known better, shame on her.  
And yet...  
Now Lee would be out of their hands and things could be slightly more peaceful again.

"STOP FUCKING JUMPING AROUND AND GET ON THE FUCKING BIRD, YEAH!"

* * *

Sai landed next to Hinata of Team One, scaring her greatly.  
He gave her a possibly real, possibly fake smile before turning to greet the other members of the team.  
Without elaborating, he said,

"I'm here for the ugly one."

Silent glances passed between Kakashi, Choji, Zetsu and Kisame.  
They could all be likely candidates for this title, Kakashis face being invisible and all.  
So who the HELL was Sai talking about?

* * *

**Sorry I have been slack with this story.  
I need to get remotivated for it.  
I'd still love everyones opinion on whether Tobi should go evil nutcase on them or remain innocent and oblivious.  
So far the score is roughly 75% in favour of Tobi going evil.**


	23. True Colors

**So Tobi hasn't made an appearance in a while so I thought I would let him had some screen time amongst the madness going on elsewhere!**  
**I'd also like to say thank you for the people who have reviewed and damn you to those that haven't!**  
**I get emails telling me you have subscribed you bastards! XD**  
**No hard feelings though, lol.**  
**Enjoy people!**

* * *

Kakashi, Kisame, Zetsu, Choji and Hinata stood with curious eyes and would could be potentially annoyed expressions.  
It had been five minutes since Sai had landed and the stupid boy had decided a guessing game was in order, refusing to say who he had come for and instead trying to make Team One figure it out on their own.  
A heated debate had been held between the four um… men… as to who was the ugliest out of them.  
Hinata had been disqualified because she was really quite beautiful and Sai had learned his lesson when it came to insulting womens looks to their face.  
Courtesy of Sakura, of course.

The debate had led to many sad and disheartened looks between the 4 shinobi.  
Zetsu and Kisame had been ruled out as ugly because they assumed that Sai thought they were not even human.  
It seemed like a valid explanation.  
Sai addresses the two Akatsuki members as "Shark bait" and "Mr Lettuce" after all.  
Choji had also been ruled out when they came to the conclusion that he wasn't ugly, just really fat.  
It was hard to tell if the Akimichi felt insulted or not.  
Kakashi refused to take off his mask.  
This lead to the suspicion that it was there to cover up whatever hideous deformation he was quite obviously hiding.  
Although, it was argued that there was no way for Sai to know if Kakashi was in fact, ugly and so a change of plans occurred.  
Deciding they needed more clues, Kisame had hesitantly turned to Sai and asked him,

"Umm… Can you give us another hint?"

With a perverted smile that had everyone looking uneasy, Sai replied,

"It is the person with the tiniest penis."

Hinatas face turned red in a violent blush and she abruptly looked away from the shocked looks that the men threw Sai.  
How did he even know about those sort of personal details?  
Very soon the debate was on again and the four ninja turned back into their argument circle.

Choji held up his hand for silence so he could speak before the others.

"I say we go our separate ways and measure before coming back and sharing our… sizes…"

Kakashi shook his head and rebutted,

"No. I doubt any of us are going to be truthful about that… I say we just whip em out!"

Kisame turned green at the thought of exposing himself publicly and waved his hand in dismissal, deciding he didn't like the Copy nin as much as he thought.  
Holding out a hand, Zetsu said in a monotone voice,

_"Cant you measure the size in relation to ho_**w big your hands and feet are?"**

Choji furrowed his brows and irritably replied,

"You are just saying that because you have the biggest hands. I say it's you that has the smallest penis. You are a plant and probably don't even have one!"

Hushed murmurs of agreement and nods followed Chojis statement, much to Zetsus annoyance.  
He crossed his arms and huffed as Kakashi grew uncomfortably closer and began examining his crotch for a bulge.  
Irritably pushing the silver haired man away, Zetsu began an internal argument with himself as to whether he really DID have a penis.  
Maybe what he had been looking at all these years was really just another growth from the large green branches that sprout around his head.  
His self esteem plummeted.  
They rapidly came to the conclusion that they needed another clue.

"_Sai?_ **Another hint**?"

"The person I'm here for is the stupidest person."

Everyone present sweat dropped dramatically.  
None of them were overly stupid and the only one who was overly smart was Kakashi.  
It wasn't possible to determine who was the stupidest because it was more a matter of opinion than fact.

"Umm could we get a different hint?"

Sai looked thoughtful for a moment, prompting everyone present to gaze wearily at the irritating boy.  
It was safe to say that everyones ego had taken a hit.  
Not only was the person Sai had come looking for ugly, they also had a small penis and low IQ.  
Raising his forefinger in the air, Sai smiled, "The one I am here for likes pornography."

All eyes turned immediately to Kakashi who visibly frowned and stiffened.  
Hastily putting away the little orange book he had been reading, the Copy Nin rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly and stuttered,

"C-come on now guys! I'm not the only one that likes it, I'm just the only one that looks at it openly."

Choji, Kisame and Zetsu hesitated, realizing that what he said was true.  
None present would admit they DIDN'T like porn. But it didn't mean they would admit they did either.  
Kakashi was right, he was the only one who was open about reading his smutty little books which meant that yet again, Sai had drawn them a blank.  
Zetsu growled in annoyance.  
He almost missed Tobi…

* * *

Deidara never thought he would say it.

Never in a million years did he think it would even cross his mind.  
He missed Sai…  
Desperately.  
The enigmatic young artist had flown off in the opposite direction as him on an ink bird that Deidara had to admit was quite... pretty.  
At the time, he had grinned happily and began to glide towards Team Threes co-ordinates, wishing good riddance upon the cursed Konoha shinobi.  
Being around Sai had made Deidaras respect and appreciation for Sasoris presence grow tremendously.

The flight to visit Team Three itself was fairly uneventful, the only interesting moment being when he flew over Team Five and noticed the young chunnin teacher Iruka, sitting on top of Hidan… Who was screeching curses like there was no tomorrow.  
Deidara had coughed violently to stifle his laughter which had begun to grow out of control as Iruka began to slap the zealot in the face.  
No doubt Kakuzu would have to get some tips from the teacher.  
After they had left his sight there was nothing more but forest.  
It wasn't long before Deidara finally reached his destination, and that was where things started to go wrong.

Rock Lee was an utter and complete idiot.

The entire time they had been in the air, the maniac had been bouncing all over the bird, very nearly making Deidara fall.  
Not to mention how difficult it was getting him on his artistic creation in the first place.  
Itachi did absolutely nothing to help and Deidara was sure he was being laughed at.  
When Lee finally crossed the line and broke a chip off Deidaras bird, it was with great pleasure that the blonde took the chance to knock the boy out and stash him inside the hollow of the owls mouth.  
No more annoyance, he grinned._  
Until he wakes up that is, I wonder if- Wait what was that?_

A flash of orange caught Deidaras attention as he flew past a tiny clearing and the terrorist immediately doubled back.  
It was the mask he was sure of it.  
Tobi was here.  
He floated down slowly.  
Deidara didn't really believe that the man was purposely dangerous, just incredibly annoying and prone to accidents.  
But in saying that, he thought Peins attempts to kill him were extremely justified.  
He didn't bother to raise his guard as he jumped off his clay creation and glanced around in search of his half time partner.

It wasn't a full moon, but there was enough light for him to make out bright colors once his eyes adjusted.  
Sure enough, after a second or two, the orange mask came into view peaking out behind some bushes, unmoving.  
Deidara folded his arms and sighed through his nose.  
How was he going to go about this?  
Contrary to popular belief, Tobi wasn't completely stupid and had showed promise in the area of scheming when it came to getting what he wanted.  
Such as lollipops.  
It might not be as easy to capture him in practice as it was in theory.  
Shrugging to himself, Deidara walked forwards.  
Better start with the basics.

"Tobi, un? Come over here, yeah?"

The mask didn't move and there was no indication to say that it was going to.  
A few seconds passed and Deidara frowned.  
It wasn't often that Tobi disobeyed him or even ignored his presence at all, scheming or not.  
In fact, in his own annoying way, Tobi had dedicated most of his life in an attempt to make Deidara happy.  
So why feign ignorance now?

"Tobi?"

Still nothing.  
The blonde inched forward some more, knowing that there was no way possible that Tobi didn't know he was there.  
Deidara was only 2 metres from the bush after all.  
The prolonged silence was getting to him.  
Ever since he landed the only noise had been the grass beneath his feet as he walked and the breeze that made a low whistle through the forest.  
It wasn't often Deidara was nervous or scared but something eerie was taking place here.

Deidara shifted uncomfortablY.

He was growing edgy and wanted out of this clearing.  
He would try once more, then he would rip the little bastard from the bush himself.

"Tobi, get out here now, yeah!"

An order.  
That was disobeyed.  
Growling irritably after 5 seconds had passed, Deidara marched the last few steps to the bush and reached forward to grab the mans cloak.  
He frowned visibly when his hand went straight through the bush.  
Sighing at the foolish game, Deidara grabbed the mask and yanked it towards him with quite a bit of force, expecting the writhing body of Tobi to be dragged out as well.  
He fell backwards onto the ground when his momentum betrayed him and nothing but the mask came away in his hands.  
Darting to his feet, Deidara glanced into the bushes, expecting to see a maskless Tobi.  
He frowned at what he saw.

Nothing.

No footsteps to indicate someone had been there, no scraps of material, no snapped twigs.  
Severely creeped out and with an overwhelming sense of foreboding, Deidara glanced at the mask in his hands.  
It was definitely Tobis mask.  
He turned it over to inspect the inside and furrowed his brows at what he saw.  
A small note was attached to the interior of the mask with sticky tape.  
After reluctantly looking around to make sure the eerie stillness of the clearing had not been disturbed, Deidara hesitantly pulled at it and opened the folded piece of paper.  
His eyes scanned it briefly before they contorted in horror.  
Loosing all sense of self control, the blonde dropped the note and the mask and without a second thought, dashed back towards the clay bird in unwavering fear.  
He scrambled onto it and gave the mental order: _Up_!  
The bird took off into the sky faster than Deidara ever imagined he could make possible as he sped away.

Back in the clearing, the orange mask lay forgotten on the ground next to a small note intended for one person and one person only.  
Sharp jagged writing revealed the cause of Deidaras fear.

_I'm watching you sempai…_

* * *

**Woah… Things are getting freaky.  
I dunno…  
So hope you enjoyed that chapter.  
The odds for Tobi being evil are in his favor with only two people wanting him to remain innocent!  
Somehow I'm not surprised.  
As always, rates and reviews are appreciated, no pressure haha.  
Thanks for sticking with me through the story so far!**


	24. Calling all Pedophiles

**Lol okay okay, next chapter.  
So this chapter there is a quote from another TV series in there somewhere.  
Cant remember who I made say it but oh well... Just letting you know XD  
Enjoy the madness!**

* * *

Hidan glared at Iruka through narrowed eyes.  
The chunnin at this point in time, probably had not even noticed the zealots intense stares and was choosing instead to discuss teaching methods with Konan.  
Don't you hate it when you are throwing someone a dirty look and they don't notice?  
It was just his luck that good old Gai sensei so happened to be passing by, a man Hidan was rapidly coming to hate and fear.  
Upon seeing him glaring across the clearing, Gais immediate thought was that the zealot was in love…  
With Konan of course, as she was sitting right next to the actual target of Hidans staring.  
But Gai didn't think that.  
No, if a man was staring in the same direction as a girl, in Gais eyes, they were in love.  
That's what todays youth was all about after all!  
With a large grin, the man sat down next to Hidan and clapped him on the shoulder.  
Shikamaru watched the proceedings next to a sleeping Sakura with growing interest as Hidans eye began to twitch.  
He had tried to tell Gai on many occasions to leave Hidan alone but he wouldn't listen.  
No, no one was immune to 'youth' and his discussions on the topic apparently…  
Much to the annoyance of Hidan, Gais hand was not removed but instead wrapped around his shoulders in a kind of bromantic hug, pulling the zealot much too close.

"Go to her…"

Gai whispered in Hidans ear with an airy, mysterious voice.  
The priest glared at him out of the corner of his eye and tried to ignore the man.  
_Go to who?_  
Was this guy seeing pixies?  
When Hidan didn't move, Gai assumed that the immortal man was shy.  
Such a sad thing for someone so youthful.  
Pointing to Konan, Gai encouraged,

"Just… Walk over there and tell her how you feel."

Hidan growled threateningly under his breath.  
_This fucking guy…_  
Cracker be tripping.  
Gai began to muttered senseless things under his breath to the priest, tips on asking women out among other things if he had bothered to listen.  
But he didn't, being too focused on mentally setting Umino Iruka on fire.

"-t will eventually lead to your marriage, and to such a beautiful young woma-"

Scoffing, Hidan rolled his eyes.  
Konan was probably twice his age and was just looked really 'youthful'.  
He frowned at having to use the 'Y' word.  
Being around a certain Konoha shinobi was taking its toll on him._  
One more word… One more bullshit word and I am going to fucking snap…_  
Shikamarus eyes followed Gais exaggerated movements as he demonstrated to Hidan the best way to kiss using his fist as an example.  
The zealot began fisting his hair furiously and rocking back and forth in an effort to block Gai out.  
Shikamaru had to admit the man was creepy, Hidans tolerance could only last so much longer.  
Finishing his little show, Gai grinned widely at the increasingly disturbed Akatsuki member and clapped him on the shoulder once more.  
They sat in a tense silence for a few seconds until a shuffling sound caught everyones attention.  
Hidan glanced wearily at Gai as he began rummaging through his backpack._  
What now…?_  
When the man pulled out a condom and offered it to him, it was clear to Shikamaru that Gai had crossed the line.  
Hidan jumped to his feet and screeched, "That's enough! You fucking pedophile, leave me alone!"

Gai looked taken aback and glanced over his shoulder before looking back to Hidan.  
Was the immortal man calling him a pedophile? Him of all people?  
Shocked to the core, Gai muttered, "I-I'm not a pedophile…"  
Hidan looked even more furious at the mans obliviousness and hollered,

"Bullshit you aren't! You'd screw your own sister for a slice of cheese!"

Shikamaru snorted in amusement and Iruka and Konan turned to watch the scene played out with frowns of confusion.  
It didn't cross Gais mind to notify Hidan that he didn't have a sister as it seemed fairly irrelevant to the discussion at hand.

"But… I don't even like cheese…"

His reply was simple and obvious, as if uttering it completely destroyed Hidans theory.  
Pedophiles like cheese and he didn't. Mystery solved.  
It just irritated the zealot even more however.  
Hidan stamped his feet violently then screeched,

"Well that makes it even worse, you sick bastard!"

Everyones mouth dropped open as a (manly) tear made its way down Gais face.  
Seemingly satisfied with the stunned silence his shouting had caused, Hidan gave Konohas Blue Beast the finger and turned to walk away.  
All eyes followed his departure and it wasn't until he had left that the silence was broken.  
Konan sniggered and when Iruka looked at her confused, murmured,

"I love it when Hidan freaks out."

This prompted snickers from everyone present, bar Gai of course.  
They had to admit, Hidans reactions (when not directed at you) were hilarious.  
Iruka opened his mouth to reply when a surprised shout came from the direction the zealot had headed.  
A quick glance around the clearing later, and everyone had jumped to their feet in search of the foul mouthed priest.

* * *

They found Hidan pointing at the ground in front of him and cursing at an orange mask that lay there.  
Konan caught sight of it and pounced, grasping it away before Hidan could stomp on it (as it appeared he was about to do)  
She turned it over in her hands with a frown as she was surrounded by her team mates.  
A piece of paper that was glued to the inside of the mask became visible and Sakura tore it away before anyone could stop her.  
Furrowing her brows, Sakura glimpsed a look of furious irritation on Hidans face before the paper unfolded.

_I'm watching you…_

Scowling and slightly creeped out, Sakura passed it around the circle that had accumulated, tilting her head in surprise when Hidans face paled at what he read.  
"Are you okay, Hidan?"  
He glared up at her and tossed the paper to Shikamaru, his voice shaking slightly, although whether it was with fear or anger, the medic nin couldn't tell.

"I'm not fucking scared, the little prick is just trying to mess with our heads!"

Iruka reached over and slapped Hidan across the face.  
Konan stopped him from starting a fight when she firmly gripped his arm and smiled,

"Sakura asked if you were okay, not if you were scared."

Shrugging his arm away from the bluenette, Hidan stuck out his tongue childishly and moved away.  
Trust Tobi to freak everyone out without even being there.  
_  
Great, now I won't be able to get any fucking sleep…_

Iruka walked towards Hidan and backhanded him, hard.__

Fuck! He knows I swear when I think!

**Slap!**__

Argh, fucking asshole!

**SLAP!**__

Urgh! You little… I hate you…

Iruka smiled at Hidan and walked away, leaving the rest of the group confused as to why the chunnin had began slapping the zealot and why the zealot hadn't reacted.  
Hidan glared after the man, eyes narrowed to slits.  
Gai sighed when the paper was finally handed to him and just to make conversation, muttered,

"This kind of looks like my handwriting."

It was a fatal mistake on his part, Hidan turning instantly and pointing a finger at him,

"You are doing this to freak us the fuck out! You fucking pervert!"

"Wait, no! No I'm no-"

"Fine then! Let's do a little interview, you sick freak!"

"Wha-?"

"Question number one! Have you ever had sex with a piece of fruit?"

Stunned silence filled the clearing as Hidan intently stared Gai down.  
Sakuras eye twitched back and forth between the two in the spotlight.  
Of all questions to ask someone…  
Apparently, Hidan took Gais lack of noise as a yes.

"Good, second question… Was it a melon?"

* * *

**So there you have it!  
I'm not sure how this makes Gai a pedophile but… just go with it, yeah?  
The score for Innocent, good Tobi vs Evil, bad Tobi is as such:**

Good: 11

Bad: 8

So a bit of a switch around huh? Last chapter everyone wanted him evil!  
If you want a say then let me know in a review or PM!  
As always, rates, reviews, complaints and excuses are to be left after the beep and my secretary shall get back to you!  
(Beep….)


	25. Kakuzu and his Money

**Here you go! Next chapter.  
As of yet, Team 1 has not figured out who the 'ugly one' is, Deidara and a knocked out Lee are on their way to visit Gaara which will be interested considering everyones past history XD  
And now over to Team 4 who as of yet have no made an appearance – Kakuzu, Pein, Kabuto, Tenten and Kiba Inuzuka…  
Does anyone find it weird that barely any of them has a known last name?  
Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

Tenten sat with her arms crossed and her left leg folded over her right as she gazed at Kakuzu with narrowed eyes.  
Her entire posture and body language gave off an unintended hostility that the miser could really care less for.  
He had never been afraid of teenage girls and he wasn't about to start now.  
It was the brunettes unwavering gaze that was annoying him.  
Ever since they sat down three hours ago she had been watching him.  
He disagreed with the whole 'band together with Konoha' idea and Pein knew it – probably the reason he had been placed in the same team as the Akatsukis feared leader in the first place.  
Kakuzu glanced down at Tenten with a glare as she tugged on his sleeve.  
In a deep, menacing tone he growled, "What…?"  
Tenten smiled at him smugly, pleased to have captured his attention.

"Did you ever try to kill Tobi?"

Kakuzu winced slightly.  
He had indeed tried to kill Tobi… Many times…  
Although it was something he had hoped to keep secret so that his failure would not be mocked by a certain foul mouthed priest.  
The answer 'No' was on his lips but as he opened his mouth to give his answer, he caught sight of Pein glaring at him through narrowed eyes.  
Kakuzu silently cursed.  
Pein could always tell if someone was lying, it was a 'gift' apparently…  
Gritting his teeth angrily he murmured,

"Yes… I tried to kill Tobi."

Pein raised an eyebrow in surprise but said nothing, trusting the annoying little leaf shinobi to squeeze the truth out of the miser.  
Kakuzu sighed, might as well start at the beginning...

* * *

_"Tobi? Are you ready to go?"_

_"YES KAKUZU-SAMA-SENSEI-SEMPAI-SAN-SAMA! TOBI HAS NEVER BEEN TO A FESTIVAL BEFORE!"_

_Kakuzus eye twitched violently at the mans screaming and unnecessary use of multiple (and stupid) honorifics._  
_This was almost more trouble that its wor-_  
_Actually what the hell was he thinking?_  
_Getting rid of Tobi was DEFINITELY worth the trouble he was going to._  
_In fact, it was well worth the trouble._  
_Little over a week ago he had been sitting at the kitchen table drinking his coffee and reading The Shinobi Times as per his morning ritual, when he caught site of an advertisement in the 'Upcoming Events' section of the paper._  
_Apparently, there would be a festival a few villages away._  
_Normally Kakuzu would have dismissed the ad altogether but his attention was drawn back to it when Deidara ambled up behind him and glimpsed the headline, pointing it out as he dried his coffee mug._

_"Hmmm? I've been to that festival once before. Lots of fun, but sucks the money right out of your pockets, un."_

_Every thing the enigmatic blonde said was ignored until one certain word made an appearance._  
_Dollar signs flashed before Kakuzus eyes at the mention of 'money' and he found himself rereading the advertisement._  
_After 10 minutes he decided he would set up a stall at the festival._  
_After an hour he decided he would sell things and sometime after that Tobi was somehow incorporated into his plan._  
_Before long, his master plan consisted of a knife throwing game… With Tobi being the target…_  
_Fool proof, no?_

_Despite his age, never once in his 91 years had Kakuzu actually been to a festival._  
_The rest of the Akatsuki had teased him mercilessly about it when he voiced his desire to attend._  
_He had decided quite a while ago that he would tell no one of his assassination plan._  
_Of course he wouldn't fail, but on the odd chance that he did, no one would ever know._  
_It might have had something to do with the 300$ bet he made with Hidan about who would succeed in killing the orange masked man first between the two of them._  
_Instead of incorporating anyone else of the Akatsuki into his plan, Kakuzu instead rented several videos heavily featuring festivals and circuses and the likes._  
_After all, he had to know what to say to attract as many customers as possible._  
_When the final movie finished, he was a self proclaimed expert on festivals._

_"Roll up, Roll up and uhh… Have fun with this game thing I invented!"_

_Despite his expertise, even Kakuzu had to admit he sounded lame._  
_His own reluctant opinion was supported by the sniggers and strange glares passersby shot him._  
_As much as he was an expert on festivals, Tobi was an expert of rubbing your nose in your mistakes and failures._

_"Kakuzu-sama-sensei-sempai-san-sama, I don't think anyone is coming…"_

_The miser growled under his breath._  
_Tobis ridiculous talking was attracting more people than the game itself._  
_Decked out in orange clothes with a large red target painted on his chest, mask and crotch, Tobi stood against a large blue backboard that he was required to run along to escape the knives that would be thrown at him._  
_Not that anyone would miss, Kakuzu mused, over half of the festivals population were ninja._

_"Hey look, a knife throwing game-dattebayo!"_

_And speaking of which…_

_"Sakura-chan, watch me win a prize!"_

_Closed eyes curved up in delight, Kakuzu hurried over to equip a certain hyper active blonde with the knives he was required to throw._  
_Of course, as well as this being a nefarious plot to destroy a comrade, it was also a money making scheme and as such, each knife was 6 coins each… A bit rich considering that every other stall gave contestants 4 knives for 1 coin._  
_Fortunately, Naruto didn't look at the price before he decided to play, waltzing over and grabbing four knives._  
_Tobi squawked with fright as several of the throwing knives flew in his direction._  
_Much to Kakuzus delight and annoyance, Tobi was much better at evading sharp, flying objects than he thought; probably because he had constant practice back in the lair._  
_Naruto seemed just as annoyed that Tobi was escaping, clearly having his heart set on winning the top prize – a large red three bladed scythe._

_"What a cool weapon! You'll go on a date for sure if I carry that around right, Sakura-chan?"_

_Kakuzu didn't fail to notice the pink haired girls face palm and groan of annoyance._  
_Poor girl…_  
_Fortunately, Naruto did and continued grasping knives from the box provided and flinging them at the rapid orange blur that was Tobi._  
_When Naruto ran out of throwing knives, he growled angrily and reached into his weapons pouch, proceeding to throw his own kunai – clearly quite intent on winning the scythe._  
_A small drop of sweat ran down Kakuzus forehead in exasperation and he sighed._  
_Konoha shinobi were supposed to be better than this._  
_Waving his hands to catch the blonde boys attention, he called out,_

_"Okay that's enough. You've used up all my throwing knives. Time to pay up. If you want another turn then wait til I've retrieved them all."_

_Naruto nodded and grumbled, reaching into his pocket for his froggy pouch._  
_He shrieked in terror when he saw the price of each knife and a thread extended from Kakuzus arm to stop him escaping._  
_With a slight stutter, Naruto gulped,_

_"Umm… How many knives did I use?"_

_"All of them… 46."_

_Narutos mouth dropped open in horror,_

_"But that means I owe you…uh… 20…17… ummm…"_

_Kakuzu glanced at his female companion and noticed that she too was staring at Naruto in disbelief at his terrible mathematics._  
_She actually looked slightly embarrassed._  
_The blonde shinobi furrowed his brows in frustration and began to count on his fingers, still muttering random numbers under his breath._

_"18… no, 46, no wait that was the amount of knives… times by uhh… 6 which means I have to divide 22 by 4 and find the common denominator…"_

_"…376."_

_Naruto glanced up at Kakuzu with his mouth slightly open and his fingers counting each other._

_"Huh?"_

_Kakuzu narrowed his eyes at the boy before him._

_"376 coins. That's how much you owe me."_

_Naruto cried out in horror, obviously not having enough money._  
_Before Kakuzu could strangle him however, the blonde boy jumped up and down and cried out,_

_"Wait wait! I got him! I win a prize!"_

_The miser raised a brow and glanced to where the boy was pointing._  
_A very scared Tobi was curled up in the corner of the stand with a kunai piercing the material of his sleeve to the backboard._  
_Narrowing his eyes, Kakuzu walked over and inspected him._  
_Naruto chewed his fingernails nervously when the man pulled the knife out of the board and glanced at Tobis arm._  
_He sighed and shook his head, moving back towards the blonde._

_"No prize."_

_"WHHHAAAAT?! WHY NOT!? I GOT HIM-DATTEBAYO!"_

_Kakuzu growled and rubbed his temple, feeling a migraine coming on._  
_Holding up the knife he had retrieved, he pointed to it._

_"No blood."_

_"Huh?"_

_Sighing at having to repeat himself, the miser shook the knife forcefully and replied,_

_"There is no blood on the knife. So you don't get a prize."_

_For the first time that day, the pink haired girl, Sakura walked over to the two squabbling men and voiced her confusion._

_"Wait… Blood? Are you saying that's an actual person and not a shadow clone?"_

_Kakuzu looked at her like she was stupid and uncharacteristically mumbled,_

_"Duh."_

_A look of horror came across the girls face at his obvious disregard for human life._  
_Naruto seemed more confused than anything, not really grasping the situation in the first place._

_"How dare you! This poor boy! I'm notifying the management of you! What's his name?"_

_Not really giving a shit, Kakuzu replied in a bored monotone, "Tobi."_  
_Turning to the sniffing man in the mask, Sakura held out her hand,_

_"Come on Tobi, you can come with us. We'll take you somewhere you will be cared for."_

_Tobi jumped up excitedly and stumbled over to the two Hidden Leaf shinobi, one of which was still dead confused as to what was going on._  
_Temporarily forgetting the entire reason for his being there, Kakuzu held up his hand,_

_"Now wait a second, if you are taking him away then you are ridding me of my way of living. I demand compensation in the form of money."_

_Sakura threw her nose in the air snobbily and replied,_

_"Fine. Not that someone like you deserves any for what you have done to this poor man."_

_Reaching into her bag, Sakura pulled out a small wad of notes, enough to cover the bill Naruto had raised as well as a bit of money to pay for Tobi._  
_Beaming with joy, Kakuzu accepted the money and watched as they left, slightly disappointed that he didn't get anymore._  
_He packed up in silence, irritated with himself for bringing so many things._  
_Among the prizes that could have been won was Hiruko (Sasoris puppet), A bundle of chakra rods (freshly stolen from Peins 5 spare bodies), a large assortment of origami figures, several of Kisames pet fish, bagged and ready to go, a large potted plant, a framed picture of Sasuke Uchiha and four bags of clay…_  
_A the giant red three bladed scythe of course._

_It was troublesome to carry back to the lair but worth it._  
_Somewhere along the way, Kakuzu realized he had managed to get rid of Tobi and had stopped dead in his tracks._  
_Very slowly, a grin spread across his face that threatened to tear his stitches and break._  
_Smirking in satisfaction, he walked off into the sunset._

* * *

Tenten listened quietly to Kakuzus tale.

Kiba, Kabuto and Akamaru had also gathered around and were sitting in a circle with their legs crossed giving the miser their full attention.  
Pein hadn't moved from his crossed legged, folded armed position on the log across from them and was narrowing his eyes in remembrance.  
Somehow in the back of his head he remembered this festival… but only just.  
Being the smart ass she was, Tenten piped up,

"But that can't be the end? You said that Itachi had just attempted to get rid of him and as far as I know, that PMSing blonde girl, the premature graying tourettes man and Jaws tried to kill him after that as well."

Kakuzu growled at her.

"I wasn't finished…"

* * *

_With a days walk left to the lair, Kakuzu set up camp in the woods (being too cheap to rent a room for th night) and built a small fire.  
He sat their peacefully, glad to be on his way home and away from Tobi, silently regretting taking the Akatsukis things to give away as prizes.  
When he got back he would buy Hidan a brand new ritual spear and that big, heavy book on Jashinism the man had been sadly eyeing in the nearby villages bookshop for the past 3 weeks.  
Kakuzu had initially refused to buy it, the book being rather expensive and all, but he decided he owed Hidan an apology.  
It was with a small shock that he realized how cruel he had been to the zealot throughout their partnership.  
I mean, Hidan really wasn't that bad – a bit cheeky and constantly swore but that was about it…  
A wave of guilt washed over Kakuzu at the thought of the lovely friendship they could have had.  
Perhaps he would stop at the book shop on the way back and buy that damn book after all.  
Reaching into his pocket with a small smile, Kakuzu fumbled for the wad of bills he had earned, intent on counting it to make sure he had enough.  
His smile turned into a small frown, which turned into a horrified grimace when he realized it wasn't in his pocket.  
Someone must have snatched it! Dammit!  
His head fell into his hands in despair at the thought of someone else with his "hard earned" money._

_"Selfish bastards… I was going to buy that book for Hidan…"_

_"What were you going to buy Hidan a book for Kakuzu-sama-sensei-sempai-san-sama?"_

_Kakuzus head shot up in surprise and fury at the voice he heard but he quickly furrowed his brows in confusion upon catching a glimpse of the man he hated so much._  
_Tobi was wearing all new clothes and carrying a great many bags._  
_Kakuzu gaped in shock when the man dropped them down and glared suspiciously when a bag of lollies and a cheap toy fell out of one._  
_Seeing his questioning stare, Tobi happily said,_

_"Tobi came back to find you because Sakura said Tobi was annoying-" Kakuzu smirked in agreement, "-but you were gone. Where did you go Kakuzu-sama-sensei-sempai-san-sama!? Tobi was all alone!"_

_Kakuzu rolled his eyes at the mans idiocy and crossed his arms, waiting for the rest of the story._

_"Tobi found a lot of money where Kakuzu-sama-sensei-sempai-san-samas stall was-" Kakuzus head shot up in shock,"- and Tobi went on a spending spree! Look! Tobi bought every show bag in the entire festival!"_

_There was a small pause before Kakuzu stood up._  
_His face was rapidly turning red and his fists were clenching tightly._  
_Inwardly he growled, when we get back I am going to pound Hidan into the ground and burn his scythe for failing to kill Tobi…_

* * *

Pein snorted in amusement

"I wondered why you were so angry that day. Festivals are supposed to be fun."

Kabuto also sniggered, finding the Akatsuki in general to be complete idiots.  
Kiba looked indifferent, for once silent and seemed to be deep in thought.  
Tenten however, smirked at the story and dismissed Kakuzu with a wave of her hand.

"Pathetic. That hardly counts as an attempt. What a failure you are."

A yelling match soon ensued between the two, Kakuzu hollering curses that he had only ever heard from Hidan and Tenten screaming the many threats that she had practiced on Lee and Neji.  
Pein and Kabuto sniggered and exchanged comments, clearly entertained by the two, although Pein was silently cursing Kakuzu for failing as well.  
Out of the blue, Kiba sat up and cried out,

"Hey! Wait a minute!"

Tenten and Kakuzu ceased their fighting and glared at him with narrowed eyes.  
Pointing accusingly and the miser, Kiba cried,

"46 times 6 is 276… Not 376. You were trying to rip Naruto off!"

Kakuzu grimaced at being caught out while everyone sent him looks of disgust and rolled eyes.  
Even Pein closed his ringed orbs and sighed in exasperation.  
Poor Naruto…

* * *

**Haha so there you go.  
Little Kuribohs 'Ninjabridge' reference in there to anyone who has watched it (I have been.. waaaaay too much)  
Kakuzus attempt complete!  
So that maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakes… Uh…  
4… no… 7 divided by 2… umm… 71 times the first prime number under 8…  
11 attempts I think lol.  
Hope you enjoyed!  
Rates and reviews always appreciated :D**


	26. Broken Lollypops and the Evil Note

**So this entry makes a reference to Itachis Diary of Doom but for those who haven't read it, I've explain anyway.  
Sorry about that haha.  
I'm a tad tired today if I'm to be honest; went to a club last night and some retard bit my shoulder...?  
Fun times...**

* * *

Since Naruto had left to retrieve some firewood, Itachi had leaned back against the most 'comfortable' tree in the clearing, closed his eyes and began to day dream.  
Fortunately, Orochimaru and Neji seemed to have quietened down since Lee left, although the former seemed to be taking a very unnatural interest in the latter.  
Itachis wonderful world of daydreams took him back to his time at the Akatsuki base, to the strange happenings and goings on that the organization seemed to attract.  
He vaguely wondered if he should write a book about all the terrible things that happened.  
No, he decided, he had his diary and that was enough.  
Speaking of which, he should probably write tonights entry.  
It had become second nature now, to open it up and document the days events and he found it easy to begin writing despite his tiredness.

* * *

_Today was lovely.  
Naruto, Orochimaru, Neji and I were overjoyed to find Deidara descend from the sky on his clay bird and whisk away Lee, who has become the epitome of annoying and foolish.  
If only Sasuke were here, he would learn true hatred from spending company in the time of that fool…  
It is Mr. I-Am-A-Pedophiles fault actually, because he-_

* * *

Itachi paused in his writing when words started to form themselves under his entry and he narrowed his eyes as the sentence took shape.  
_  
_

* * *

_I am not a pedophile, I wish you wouldn't categorize me with Maito Gai…_  
**- Orochimaru**

* * *

**THWACK!**

Itachi glanced up with a smirk as Orochimaru shrieked across the clearing, clutching a bloodied arm and gingerly removing the kunai that had impaled him.  
Inwardly, Itachi applauded himself for fixing the kunai trap attached to his diary.  
The Akatsuki had a very nasty (and uncanny) habit of somehow being able to write in his diary from hundreds of miles away to give their input on certain situations and events the Uchiha wrote down.  
To counter this, he had used his magical Uchiha powers of awesome to rig the diary.  
If anyone but himself wrote in it, the effects would be a kunai to the face… Or in Orochimarus case, arm.  
He still had no idea how they managed to do it…

From across the clearing, Orochimaru scowled at Itachi, who in turn, smirked back.  
Neji looked back and forth between the two in confusion.  
A silence descended as Orochimaru and the Uchiha glared at each other, the latter daring the former to make a move.

**"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HH!"**

Startled out of their glaring contest, Itachi, Neji and Orochimaru looked up in shock, surprised by the screaming that was emanating from the woods in roughly the same direction that Naruto had gone to collect some more firewood.  
Deeply concerned for his 'adopted' brother, Itachi jumped to his feet and ran out of the clearing, closely followed by the Hyuuga and Sennin.  
Itachis eyes widened and he stopped in surprise to come across a giant, hastily made tree house.  
His two companions nearly ran into the back of him when they too, caught sight of it.  
Cowering in the very top was a small bundle of orange and as they watched, a blonde, tear-stained head glanced over at them.  
Immensely worried, Itachi called out,

"What's wrong!?"

Sniffing a little, Naruto held out his thumb and even from the distance they were at, Itachi could see that it was swollen and bruised.

"I tried to use the hammer and I missed dattebayo…"

Orochimaru and Neji sighed and rubbed the bridges of their noses.  
They were all on edge lately, having received a clay messenger bird from Deidara stating that Tobi had been 'watching him', whatever that meant…  
Orochimaru put his hands on his hips and growled irritably,

"You scared us all nearly half to death! Now get down here before I come up there and spank you!"

Exchanging looks, Neji and Itachi took small, discreet steps away from the Sennin, vaguely disturbed by his choice of words.  
As usual, Naruto was not so subtle.

"ITACHI HELP! HES GOING TO RAPE ME!"

The Sennins mouth dropped open in horror and anger.

"I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE!"

As he spoke, a small piece of paper fluttered down from somewhere in his cloak and rested gently on the ground in front of Itachi.  
Thriving at the chance of nosing into someone elses personal things, the Uchiha picked it up and opened it.  
Apparently, it was a letter to his little brother.  
With furrowed brows he began to read, ignoring the small argument and back and forth banter between Naruto, Orochimaru and Neji about whether or not the Sennin was a pedophile.  
Itachis scowl deepened as he read the letter, and he glared dangerously at Orochimaru.  
Upon realising he was being watched, the pale face man turned to look at the Uchiha in confusion.  
Itachi cleared his throat and read:

**_Dear Sasuke._**

_Kabuto has informed me that you do not really understand the reason I have bought you here to The Village Hidden in the Sound and so, I feel the need to remind you…_  
_I want your body._  
_In fact its not just a want, I need your body._  
_This is partially the reason I am helping you train._  
_When I am inside you I want you to have the stamina and strength I will require for later use._  
_Hence, this is the reason why I am not stealing the body of a civilian._  
_If you need any more reassurance or details, come and find me…_  
_You know where I will be._

**_Orochimaru._**

As he finished reading, Itachi gazed over the letter at the Sennin with an 'I-totally-caught-you-out' expression.  
Neji folded his arms over his chest and sniggered.  
Orochimaru was speechless, I mean, of course he had written the note but he hadn't meant it like THAT.  
Noticing the Mangekyou Sharingan being activated, he put his hands up in defense and tried to speak.  
Being the opportunist bastard that he is, Naruto yelled over the top of him,

"I KNEW IT! SOMEONE CALL CRIME STOPPERS! THERE IS A PEDOPHILE IN OUR MIST!"

Neji scowled and called out, "Its 'midst' not mist. There is a pedophile in our MIDST!"  
Naruto glared down at him and childishly stuck out his tongue.  
Stupid Neji, couldn't he see that he was trying to get Itachi to save him?  
In his random scuffling and fist shaking at the pompous Hyuuga, a strange object was knocked down from the tree house to land on Itachis head.  
Sighing deeply at the inconvenience and annoyance of it all, the Uchiha reach up and pulled it down to eye level.  
His eyes softened at what he saw and he interrupted the current argument about 'pedophilic snakes'  
to call up to Naruto.

"Ill buy you another one if you want. I know how bad it feels when this happens."

Everyones attention now turned to Itachi and strange looks came across their faces.  
Feeling slightly irked at being in the spotlight but determined nonetheless, Itachi continued,

"I don't know why you like orange flavored ones, but that's your choice. I hate it when the stick falls out."

There was a brief silence and the four ninja all looked at each other with furrowed brows.  
Confused as hell, Neji cautiously asked,

"Itachi… What the fuck are you on about?"

Pointing to the swirly orange mask in his hands, the raven haired man replied,

"When Narutos lollypop fell out of the tree house, the stick you hold while you eat it fell out and I don't know where it went."

More silence.  
From high up in the tree house, Narutos stage whisper was heard by Itachi whether he wanted it to be or not.

"Don't worry, he is blind."

Neji and Orochimarus mouth made an 'O' of understanding before they gazed back to the Uchiha with sympathetic eyes.  
For his part, Itachi just gazed at them blankly.  
Naruto called down,

"Hey don't worry Itachi, Shino told me that Sai is blind as well so you aren't the only one."

Itachi rolled his defective eyes, not really giving a shit in the first place.  
He could still kick their arses to high hell if they pissed him off, blind or not.  
Neji shook his head and sighed.  
He couldn't believe Naruto fell for that blatantly obvious lie.  
But hey, it prevented arguments for the most part so who was he to complain?  
Glancing over to Itachi, it suddenly occurred to Neji that the man was holding a mask very similar to Tobis…  
Well damn…

"Hey Itachi!"

The Uchiha glanced over.  
Pointing at the mask he was holding, Neji said,

"Pass that over?"

Itachi complied, and Neji soon found himself in possession of a very familiar mask…  
There was a time when he was sure that Kakashi sensei had been the one to wear this, but after a very long and tiring search of the Copy Nins apartment he had come to the conclusion that either Kakashi WASN'T Tobi or he was just very good at hiding things.  
Scowling at the memory, he turned the mask in his hands, finding nothing out of the ordinary.  
It looked like it was… just a mask.

"I… am…watch…ing… you."

Neji glanced up into the tree with his eyebrows knotted together in confusion.  
What the hell was Naruto on about now…?  
As he watched, the blonde continued,

"Star ships are meant to fly, hands up and touch the sky, can't stop cause we're so high-… What is this!? This is the worst thing I have ever read dattebayo! Argh!"

With a strangled cry, the blonde dropped the note and grasped his eyes, losing his balance and then falling from the tree.  
Itachi jumped forward with a shout of surprise and caught the blonde before he could do any real damage to himself.  
Just before he passed out, Naruto grabbed Itachis cloak and burst into tears.  
Hyperventilating and sobbing, he whimpered,

"My eyes have lost their virginity dattebayo…"

Orochimaru sighed and rolled his eyes at the boys antics, instead walking forward to grasp the note that had fallen from the tree house to read it out.  
Neji and Itachi watched him cautiously, still not really trusting the man after his pedophilic letter.  
The Sennins eyes narrowed as he read.  
His jaw clenched and tightened the more his gaze lingered on the paper and his eyes grew wide with each passing second.  
Finally, after a tense 30 seconds, he choked and fell to the ground.  
Gazing up at Itachi and Neji he ground out,

"Its terribleeeee… Tobi has done something to the paper… Those words… They must be an evil jutsu spell of some kind… Don't read the paper!"

That being said, the Sennin passed out.  
Neji and Itachi exchanged looks before a black fire engulfed the note.  
A stirring under Itachi alerted him to Naruto, who was now waking.  
Rubbing his head and slightly disoriented, the boy mumbled,

"What happened… The last thing I remember is- ARGH I REMEMBER! DON'T READ THE NOTE ITACHI! ITS EVIL!"

Itachi nodded and pointed to the black fire.  
The blonde boy calmed down although his shivering remained.  
Itachi sighed, _Tobi is definitely more trouble than we gave him credit for…_

* * *

**So to those die hard Nicki Minaj fans… I am just so sick of hearing that damn song everywhere I go! Its like a disease! You can't escape it!  
I'm not saying she hasn't got talent, she can sing, sure…  
But rap…? No… Just no…  
I'm also kind tired of my sister trying to use big words that she doesn't understand… 'Midst' being one of them…  
All in all, this chapter was a subtle excuse for me to bitch.  
Aside from that, I hope you enjoyed this chapter haha.  
As always, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and pathetic excuses after the beep!  
Beep…**


	27. Gaaras New Tattoo

**Okkkkaaaaay.  
The second part of this chapter was a bitch to write at first, but then I had an idea and it sorta… came out.  
Hooray.  
This chapter shall celebrate Narutos birthday which is today (October the 10th) or tomorrow for all you Americans!  
Enjoy!**

* * *

Kisame, Choji, Zetsu and Kakashi sat with their legs crossed in a circle around a very nervous Hinata.  
After Sai refused to tell them who he had come for and given them more meaningless hints than they could count, the 4 men had decided that Hinata was the best person to ask.

"So who do you think is the ugliest out of us?"

Hinata bit her lip and tried to will her legs to stop shaking.  
How did you even answer something like that?  
She looked to Sai in a desperate attempt to make him just tell everyone who he had come for.  
Unfortunately, he didn't seem to pick up on her facial cues and just gave her a reassuring smile…  
Not that it made her feel any better…

"Umm… Well… I…"

Everyone leaned forward in an eager attempt to hear her better.  
Suddenly shaking her head anxiously, Hinata turned to Sai and asked,

"Wh-what do you need the person for?

Sai shrugged and in a creepy monotone replied,

"Tsunade-sama requested 2 Akatsuki members and 2 Konoha shinobi meet with the Kazekage."

Everyone present furrowed their eyebrows.  
Two?  
Speaking up for the first time in a while, Choji asked,

"Who are the other two people?"

"Deidara-chan decided to pick up Rock Lee."

Hinata sighed slightly, having another clue to work with that didn't involve penises, IQ or facial aesthetics.

"S-so the person you are here for is an Akatsuki member?"

Sai smiled in response while Zetsu and Kisame moaned.

* * *

Kazekage Gaara sat at his desk with his fingers intertwined in front of his face as his elbows rested on the wood.  
He was awaiting the arrival of four shinobi that Tsunade had requested he meet with.  
Apparently, Konoha had formed a temporary alliance of sorts, although with who Gaara did not know.  
Not that it mattered.  
He would find out soon enough and no matter how shocking the alliance may be, he was sure the Hokage had good reasons… Unless she was drunk again.  
The Kazekage resisted the urge to roll his eyes.  
A knock on his window startled him briefly and he knocked over a small bottle of ink on his desk.  
Narrowing his eyes at the black stain creeping over his papers, Gaara turned his head to glare at the culprit behind the window.  
A man waved cheerily at him, donned in all black with an orange swirly mask.  
Not really caring who he was because if he was an assassin or someone of that kind, he probably wouldnt knock, Gaara released some of his sand, his eyes following the mans movements as it unlocked the window and he tumbled inside, knocking over a large pile of paperwork.  
Eyes narrowing even further, Gaara looked at the fallen papers, the tower of which had previously stood a metre high and had been tediously filed in proper order.  
Stumbling slightly, the orange masked man jumped in front of the desk and saluted,

"Tobi to the rescue Gaara Kazekage-sama-sensei-sempai-san-sama…"

They stood in silence for a moment, Gaaras non existant eyebrows twitching in irritation.

"…kun."

Growling slightly, Gaara motioned to the man to have a seat, to which the man refused with a wave of his hand, preferring to remain standing.  
Why this man was 'rescuing' him was beyond Gaaras means of thinking.  
He was the Kazekage after all and wasnt actually in need of assistance.

"What do you want?"

His menacing tone made Tobi jump slightly.  
Silence reigned as Tobi began to fix his appearence.  
Smoothing down his shirt and sleeves slowly, the man in the mask made a great show of irritating the Kazekage.  
Finally, seemingly satisfied with how he looked, Tobi raised his fist to where his mouth would be and coughed.  
Silence ensued for the next few seconds.  
Normally this wouldn't bother Gaara as silence was something he enjoyed, however this silence was irritating, for what reason he couldn't quite discern.

"Does Gaara-sama want a lolly?"

Gaara shook his head, his fingers intertwining and raised in front of his face as his elbows rested on the desk before him.  
This was a sign, had Tobi known Gaara long enough, that he was getting more than slightly annoyed and was doing his best to cover his face to avoid conveying his feelings.  
Getting tired of Tobi, he growled lowly,

"Either tell me what you want or get...OUT!"

Recognizing this as a threat, Tobi jumped backwards in quite obviously exaggerated fright and tumbled into a large gourd that was leaning against the wall, effectively shattering it.  
A dark and foreboding silence filled the room as Gaara lamented the loss of that which he had carried since his early childhood.  
His breathing became slightly erratic and his gaze fell onto Tobi with a dangerous glint as he tried to will himself not to kill the man.  
After all, he had a reputation to uphold.  
A trickle of sweat fell from his forehead and upon seeing it, Tobi dashed over.  
Gaara glared at him with his teeth grinding together in what was slowly becoming rage as Tobi grabbed a piece of his paper work and attempted to wipe the Kazekages brow.  
A damp feeling came with the paper, one that normally wouldn't be associated with something dry wiping against your skin.  
It didn't take Gaara long to realize that the paper Tobi had used to wipe over his face had been one of the ones covered in the black ink that had been spilt earlier.  
Loosing most of his self control and with his face half black, Gaara jumped from his position at the desk and began to chase Tobi around the room.  
Normally, his attacks didn't consist of any movement on his behalf but today the Kazekage was feeling particularly energetic.  
When he realized that Tobi was slightly faster than he was, Gaara willed the sand that had spilled from his gourd to fly around and join the chase.  
In his fright and attempts to get away, Tobi picked up random objects he ran past and threw them over his shoulder in a frantic effort to delay the Kazekage.  
The result was a very smashed up room indeed.  
The strong desk that served as Gaaras work station was splintered down the middle, having been crushed when his sand missed Tobi and rebounded.  
All the terracotta pots around the room holding small decorative trees of various sizes were smashed, leaving a thick layer of dark soil and ceramic pieces on the floor.  
The electric lanterns around the room had shattered, leaving only one or two unscathed.  
Not to mention the important paperwork crushed underfoot and covered in soil…  
Furious at not being able to catch Tobi and finally losing any ounce of self control that he had left, Gaara threw back his head and screamed,

"TEMARIIIIIIIIIIII!"

Startled at the outburst, Tobi cried out and stumbled backwards, slipping on the soil and falling down.  
Within seconds of Gaaras screech for help, Temari and Kankuro kicked down the doors to the office and flew in, accompanied by several ANBU.  
There was a slight pause as the group looked around the room in shock.  
It didnt take long to recognise the culprit.  
Jumping up in fright at the glare Temari sent him, Tobi threw something at the Kazekage, hitting him in the head as he scrambled to get away from the Sand kunoichis wrath.  
Crossing the room in four strides, Temari pulled her fan from her back and with a force and strength rivaling Sakura Haruno, bitch slapped Tobi through the open window.  
He flew through the air into the distance, a small twinkle accompanying his disappearance into the night sky.  
Shocked into awe by Temaris quick handling of the situation, Kankuro murmured,

"Looks like he's blasting off again…"

A growl emanated from across the room and Temari and Kankuro gasped as they remembered Gaara, rushing over to him as he sat on the floor cradling the growing lump on his forehead.  
Temari consoled him and pulled his hand away to see the damage, her mouth opening in horror at what she saw.  
The instant Gaara saw her expression his eyes narrowed.

"What?"

Temari opened and closed her mouth, looking like she was trying to say something, although she seemed very...  
Hesitant.  
Curious about the silence, Kankuro glanced around Temari to see whatever was so troubling and burst into explosive laughter.  
The ANBU glanced at each other in confusion and made a step forward.  
Temari scowled at her brother and in order to save Gaara from prying eyes, quickly motioned for the ANBU to leave the room.  
Gaara glared at them both.

"What?"

Temari glanced to the side to see what had hit her brother, noticing something orange lying on top of a pile of soil.  
Furrowing her brows and picking it up, she was baffled to find a mask, and a weird one at that.  
She glanced back to Gaara biting her lip.  
The force of the throw coupled with the shape and swirls of the mask had to be what had done it.  
Scratched surprisingly neatly into his skin next to his 愛 'Love' scar, was the symbol **鮫**.  
Still in convulsive laughter, Kankuro just couldn't put his finger down from pointing and refrain from his giggles.  
Temari scowled at him as Gaara got to his feet and gave his older brother a smack to the back of the head, still very pissed off about the mess in his office.  
He walked over to the half smashed mirror on the wall and looked at his reflection, his eyes widening with disbelief and horror as he caught sight of the marking.

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

**Okay so… I'll tell you what the symbol means in the next chapter because it will be more fun that way haha.  
So basically Gaaras head now says 'Something' Love  
I don't know how many of you know Japanese and will know what it is but… Oh well.  
Happy guessing bahaha.  
It relates to someone else in the story, I'll tell you that much. :P  
Until next time…**


	28. Window Breaking Tendencies

**So sorry this has taken me longer to update than usual.  
This is a fairly short chapter as I have done it quickly to appease you for a while so that I have time to work on everything else as well.  
Enjoy anyway!**

* * *

The ink hadn't come out.  
Not properly anyway.  
It had stained the Kazekages forehead with the ugly black mark and had even dyed some of his hair.  
The cut on his forehead had contracted some ink into it and had started to scab over; the result making it stand out much more than it would have without the dark liquid.  
Safe to say, Gaara was feeling very vulnerable at the moment.  
It had taken himself and Temari nearly an hour to tidy up his office, and even then it was still filthy.  
Kankuro had been unable to help because every time he looked at his brother, he burst into hysterical laughter.  
Gaara sighed, something he wasn't prone to doing usually but the situation called for it.  
How could such a horrible man shame him in such a way?  
Despicable.  
A shattering and a crash sounded behind him and broke him out of his murderous thoughts.  
Hoping that Tobi had come back so he could kill him very violently, Gaara whirled around.  
The large windows had been smashed inwards and picking themselves up amongst the shattered glass were two people who looked vaguely familiar.  
The shorter one with blonde hair groaned and got to his feet, dusting his clothes before facing the Kazekage.  
Mouth open in horror and furious that Deidara had the audacity to waltz into his office after effectively killing him, Gaara pointed in recognition and uncharacteristically screeched,

"ITS YOU!"

Deidara jumped, obviously not expecting the usually placid Kazekage to make such a show.  
Everyone else in the room seemed to think the same and watched Gaara uncertainly.  
Picking himself up from the rubble, a green clad man cried with delight at finding his old rival and rushed over to hug him.  
Gaara didn't move to return the embrace, instead glaring over Lees shoulder at Deidara who was nervously twiddling his thumbs and glancing around the room.  
Lee let go after a moment and did a 'nice guy' pose, his raised thumbs up less than a centimeter from Gaaras face.

"Gaara-san-sama! We are here to talk to you about the allied shinobi forces that Tsunade told you about!"

Everyone present winced at his loud voice and Deidara rolled his eyes.  
He sounded a little bit TOO much like Tobi for his liking…  
Gaara stiffened at what Lee was implying.  
Surely Tsunade hadn't made an alliance with the Akatsuki of all people…  
His train of thought was broken when the only untouched window behind him was shattered and the group was showered with broken glass.

"For fucks sake, stop breaking my fucking windows..."

Kankuro, the only one who had heard his brother, raised an eyebrow in surprise at the language Gaaras muttered under his breath..  
Looking very disgruntled as he wiped away splinters, a large blue man stood got to his feet next to Sai who as per usual, was smiling freakishly.  
Little did the room know, Kisames ego had taken a massive blow earlier that night.  
Not only had he been classed as ugly, stupid and porn loving with small genitals, Team One had had to go through a huge list of clues before they actually guessed who it was that Sai would be escorting to see the Kazekage.  
Among the list of clues, he had now been deemed:  
Hairy (He wasn't sure what part of him Sai was referring to)  
Pathetic  
Scaly (He didn't even HAVE scales…)  
Fat  
Slimy  
Annoying  
And his personal favourite; useless.

This had put him in a very bad mood indeed.  
It brightened considerably however, when he looked at Gaara or more specifically, his forehead.  
Kankuro took a sharp intake of breath and fought as hard as he could not to laugh.  
Kisame walked towards the Kazekage with a slight bounce in his step, his gigantic form hovering over Gaara in what usually would have been a frightening experience.  
Instead, he held out his hand in greeting which Gaara took cautiously.  
Chuckling and rubbing the back of his neck, Kisame grinned,

"I like sharks too. Wanna be friends?"

Gaara scowled at the mention of the cut on his head, the shape of which was kanji for 'shark'  
Not bothering to reply to the tall Akatsuki before him, the redhead turned back to look at Lee and Deidara, the latter of which was trying to strangle the Hidden leaf shinobi with one of the curtains that had broken from its holdings.

"Why has the Akatsuki made an alliance with the Hokage?"

Looking up from the choke hold he now had Lee in, Deidara grinned merrily in a way that he knew would piss the Kazekage off.

"Oh it's not just us, Orochimaru and the other Sound ninja are in on it too, yeah."

Kankuro and Temari looked at the four new arrivals in disbelief.  
Despite how much they wanted to strangle almost every occupant in the room, the two sand siblings resisted, recognizing this meeting as one of diplomacy despite the awkward social situation.  
Gaara sighed and rubbed his temples, noting that he seemed to be sighing a lot that day.  
Resting a hand on his hip and his hand brushed over his forehead, he was unaware that he was further spreading the ink across his face.  
Finally, Gaara looked up at them all and motioned for them to sit, an order they obeyed after finding chairs from the adjoining rooms.  
Seating himself behind the splintered desk, the Kazekage ignored its defeated form and instead gazed at the four shinobi in front of him in silence.  
Deidara was the first to break the stiff quiet.

"So…"

All eyes turned to him.

"…What happened to your room?"

Gaara growled at him and ignored the comment, glad at least that no one had properly questioned his new 'tattoo' as of yet.  
He repeated his own previous question instead, slightly irritated that he had to ask twice.

"Could someone please explain why an allegiance has been formed between two villages and an organization that supposedly hate each other?"

Shared scowls descended upon the four shinobi before him and they glanced at each other, not wanting to be the one to speak.  
Finally Deidara growled and caved in.  
Ignoring the sighs of relief his team mates made, the blonde proceeded to explain their situations with Tobi.

* * *

"So as you see, we need as many people as possible to help get this guy, yeah?"

Gaara stared at Deidara silently, prompting the blond to hesitate in his speech.  
They really needed to get as many ninja together as they were able and the Kazekage would prove a brilliant and useful ally.  
(unlike Kisame)  
Gaaras silence however, was unnerving and he didn't seem like he wanted to make a decision anytime soon, maybe because _he_ was involved, Deidara thought.  
The blonde cleared his throat, hoping to elicit a response from the phlegmatic Kazekage.  
When he received none, Deidara panicked slightly and began,

"It would really help us if you-"

"I'm in."

Deidara froze mid sentence and watched the Kazekage with wide, surprised eyes.  
The red head sat behind his desk, his arms crossed with conviction.  
Across the room, Temari shuffled awkwardly and with a hint of annoyance, said,

"Gaara, this is the Akatsuki we are talking about. They killed you! Not only that bu-"

"Quiet. If the Hokage trusts them then I will trust them. I have my own reasons for this."

Kisame raised an eyebrow and opened his mouth to ask what his reasons were when Gaara sent him a threatening glare, daring the sharkman to say something.  
Sai smiled in what could almost be evil incarnate and smoothly replied,

"Is it because Tobi has a bigger penis than you?"

Gaara blinked.  
Deidara closed his eyes and turned his head away, hissing in frustration at the embarrassing comment the pale boy had made.  
When the Kazekage failed to reply, Sais smile widened and he wrapped an arm around Kisames shoulder in a brotherly fashion,

"Don't worry Kazekage-sama. Your penis cant be as small as Kisames."

Deidara choked, although this time it was partially in laughter.  
He didn't want to know how Sai knew this…  
Lee narrowed his eyes curiously at the two men.  
Kisame looked like he wanted to curl up and die.  
Curiosity caught up with him and he tilted his head,

"Are Sai-kun and Kisame-san in a homosexual relationship?"

This time Deidaras laughter couldn't be stemmed and he let out a gasping sob of amusement as his face turned red.  
Gaara sighed again, then sighed in annoyance when he realized he was sighing.  
What a weird day…

* * *

**For the record, Kisame is none of the things I wrote, seriously, got to be one of the coolest characters ever.  
Again, sorry its taking me so long to update – busy weekend/week/etc  
As always, your rates, reviews, comments and complaints are greatly appreciated and are to be left after th-  
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep**


	29. Exploding Clowns

**Sorry for taking so long to update, I've been reading more than I have been writing lately.  
I've got to say… Despite not particularly liking yaoi etc, I find that those stories have the funniest stuff plot lines – I read a story before where Kakashi was portrayed in the most fucked up way… It was bad (as in horrifyingly shocking) to the point where I was doing double takes and literally retching at the stuff he was saying… It was fucking hilarious. XD  
Needless to say I am scarred for life and this authors note is too long.  
Enjoy!**

* * *

Arrangements had been made between the Kazekage, Deidara, Kisame, Lee and Sai.  
Surprisingly, Gaara had agreed instantly to the strange allied shinobi forces and was debating whether or not to send Temari and Kankuro along as well.  
He would never willingly put his siblings in direct danger but from what he had heard, Tobi wasn't ACTUALLY that dangerous, just really fucking annoying.  
Not to mention destructive and difficult to catch, he had immediately felt unwarranted sympathy for Deidara when the blond had told him just how many years Tobi had been following the Akatsuki around.  
The answer? Too many…  
Lee had been taken down to one of his minions (Gaara secretly liked calling his underlings 'minions') offices to have the necessary documents and acceptance of the situation scrolls drawn up to send to Tsunade.  
The Kazekage had chosen the green clad ninja for two reasons:

One, he was probably the one Gaara trusted to get the work done (being the over excited perfectionist that he is)  
Two, Lee was likely the only one that his staff wouldn't be scared stiff of (not to mention he didn't trust the Akatsuki out of his sight and the fact that they weren't even supposed to BE there in the first place)

So while they sat waiting for Lee, Kankuro and Temari to return, the remaining four shinobi sat in Gaaras partially destroyed office and had a very awkward tea party.  
Lee had only been gone 15 minutes and already Kisame was looking for ways to escape the room without being attacked by Sunagakure ninja.  
Barely a word had been said, the only classifiable conversation coming from Sai… Which meant it could hardly be classified as conversation at all, rather a few well timed 'unintentional' insults.  
Honestly, Kisame was sure no one could be THAT thick.  
In all likeliness, Sai just enjoyed being able to say what he wanted without getting in too much trouble.  
Speak of the devil, Kisame thought as Sai cleared his throat,

"So, Gaara-sama. You should see Deidaras art. It is quite lovely."

No one in the room seemed particularly taken with this idea.  
Gaara, not really liking anything about the blonde, didn't want to be put in a situation where compliments were obligatory.  
Kisame was in a fairly bad mood after finding out that the Kazekage didn't _actually _like sharks and the idea of explosions gave him a headache.  
Deidara himself looked apprehensive and suspicious, believing Sais praise to be too good to be true, and in all likely hood nothing more than sarcasm.  
None the less, at the pale artists glares (which he learned from Yamato) Deidara twitched slightly and sighed, deciding a small butterfly or two wouldn't hurt.  
He reached into his clay pouch and pulled out a few pieces of red, blue and yellow clay.  
Kisame watched with furrowed brows as he began molding them together.

"Colored clay?"

Deidara looked up at the tall man and nodded, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly as his other palm chewed and molded the clay.

"Yeah… Hidan bought it for me. He said that if I was going to make fireworks they might as well be colorful, un. I haven't tried them out yet so this is a good opportunity, yeah?"

Kisame raised an eyebrow.  
That was probably the nicest thing he had ever heard of Hidan doing, even if it was in sarcasm.  
_Maybe he isn't a lost cause after all…_  
Gaara sat back in his chair lazily as Deidara finished his work, not particularly caring for the artists explosions so long as they don't further ruin his office.  
His eyes followed the small colorful butterfly as it gracefully soared above them, flying into an area where it was fairly away from anything that could break.  
_Thank god..._  
Forming a two fingered hand sign, Deidara unenthusiastically cried, "Katsu-"

BANG!

Gaara blinked.  
It would seem that Hidans 'present' wasn't as innocent as he had first made out…  
The Kazekage glanced around his office, the likes of which now resembled a rainbow.  
A giant... drippy rainbow...  
It would seem that the explosion blew liquid color outwards, spraying the majority of the room.  
More mess, Gaara sighed...  
He glanced back to Deidara, who sat frozen in his chair in shock, his fist still poised in his hand sign.  
His blonde hair now fell in place with spatters and blots of purple and green and Gaara doubted his own hair looked much different.  
Inwardly he was disappointed.  
At least the black ink had made him look kind of bad ass, even if it was slightly emo.  
Sai hadn't faired much better. The pale boy had tilted his entire head upwards to watch the explosion, the result being his face painted blue.  
Kisame seemed to be relatively unscathed, although he was smirking at Sai with glee.  
Having someone else with blue skin around had to be uplifting.  
Gaara threw his head back and sighed.

"There is a bathroom through that door, see if you can get the paint off."

Deidara nodded shakily, bowing and apologizing as he left, followed closely by Sai.  
Gaaras eyes followed them until the door closed before he turned back to look at a thoughtful Kisame.  
Tilting his head slightly, the blue man murmured,

"You know.. You hair doesn't look so bad with black and purple streaks."

Gaara gave Kisame as close as he could to a smile.  
That was reassuring at least.  
At least it wasn't botchy like Deidaras, and he couldn't feel wetness on his skin which meant he wasn't blue like Sai.  
He breathed deeply, life could go on then.  
A few minutes of silence passed before Sai and Deidara reentered the room.  
Deidaras hair, despite being dripping wet was still a vibrant green.  
It was obvious he had scrubbed it very hard to try and remove it.  
Sais skin was no longer bright blue, although it hadn't come out completely, now giving him a kind of washed out tinge.  
All in all, his skin tone was similar to Kisames.  
Surprisingly, the ink artist didn't seemed too displeased about his situation, reentering the room with a smile that looked fairly genuine.

"Everyone was always telling me I needed some color in my face."

Gaara smirked uncharacteristically before he could help it.  
He might have been a bit socially robotic but Sai was just a plain old nutcase when it came to understanding human behaviour.  
Clearly, figures of speech and old sayings were useless against him.  
Gaara opened his mouth to voice his opinion on Sais wonderful new look when the office door opened and a strangled shriek followed.  
Everyone glanced over to find a horrified Temari frozen in place.  
Behind her, Kankuro and Lee looked equally dumbstruck at the state of the room.

"HOLY FUCK! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?"

Everyone present blinked in response.  
How were they supposed to tell Temari that due to unforeseen circumstances, Deidaras art had painted the room in pretty colors?  
Kisame reasoned in his head that they should probably tell her something soon considering that the feisty woman had pulled out her battle fan and had opened it the whole way, three moons now showing.

"IT LOOKS LIKE A CLOWN EXPLODED IN HERE!"

There was silence for all of six seconds before a blob of green paint dripped from the roof and splattered across Temaris battle fan, adding another circular blob and a thick line.  
The blonde woman shrieked in horror at the damage but wouldn't dare touch it, lest she smear the paint further.  
Eyes wide with excitement, Sai pointed at the fan with a _very _real, _very_ amused smile.

"It looks like a penis."

Temari gaped at him for insulting her most prized possession.  
The way the paint had fallen… It really _did _look like a penis.  
Kisame and Deidara simultaneously smacked the blue faced boy across the back of the head while Kankuro raised his hands in front of his face defensively, preparing for the inevitable onslaught.  
A tense silence filled the air, no one daring to move lest Temari unleash her anger upon the unsuspecting victim.  
It was a loud bark of sudden laughter that shocked everyone present, some even jumping in fright.  
All eyes turned to the Kazekage who at this moment, had fallen to the ground in hysterics, laughing for the first time in years.

* * *

**So here we are.  
I felt the need to punish Sai – him being a bastard and all.  
But I kinda felt that I had insulted Kisame enough, so I let him off scotch free this time haha.  
Again, I apologise for updating so late, I've just gone back to work and I have the most ridiculous hours…  
Not to mention the smarmy bitch that wont lay off trying to fire me – lol idc  
Anyway, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and blah blah blah… You know how it goes…  
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee p**


	30. Hidans Judgment of Sakura

**Olo  
I kinda figured that the other shinobi needed to be looked back upon haha, so in this chapter I take you all back to the groups in the forest! Dun dun…  
Thank you to everyone who has followed, reviewed and favourited Operation: Kill Tobi.  
I can honestly say I am flattered.  
Heh heh, and on another note, apologies to those I have apparently made cry from reading my stories.  
I honestly don't see whats so funny about some of them, looking back on them I kinda shake my head at the stupid things I come up with but thats it haha.  
When I first started writing this I expected it to be a 11 chapter max kind of thing – I never considered involving Konoha and Suna as well XD  
Whatever the case, thank you all.**

* * *

"No."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease Kazekage-sama! I don't WANT to be stuck with him!"

Gaara glared down at Deidara with crossed arms.  
After arrangements had been made and Temari had been escorted from the room after passing out from color shock, all that remained to be decided was who would be flying with who.  
Two of them needed to fly to Konoha in order to inform Tsunade of the events.  
As their superior, Gaara was in charge of who goes where – much to Deidaras dismay.  
It was quite simple, his logic.  
Only two of the small group had the means to fly – Sai and Deidara.  
This meant that they could not be paired together for it would strand Lee and Kisame with him - ergh.  
As far as Gaara knew, the plan all along was that one Akatsuki member would accompany one Hidden Leaf shinobi, which meant that Deidara and Kisame couldn't be paired and neither could Sai and Lee.  
Due to Sais ink birds being known to the Hidden Leaf village, it had been decided that he would fly to Konoha with Kisame.  
Of course, this meant that Deidara was stuck with Rock Lee, something he wasn't particularly happy about.  
Gaara would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy making Deidara upset.  
The bastard did kill him after all.

"Can't I go with Kisame instead!?"

"No."

"Can you tell me why!?"

"No."

"Can you even see how unfair you are being?!"

"No."

Sai watched on in amusement as Deidara and Gaara bickered.  
It was quite interesting how things had turned out.  
He was to be paired with Kisame and as a result of Deidaras art, they both had blue skin.  
In an equally amusing turn of events, Deidaras hair had been dyed green and since Lee had been out of the room at the time, he remained clean.  
It almost looked like they had been colour coded for their adventures.  
Sai and Kisame were Team Blue, Deidara and Lee were Team Green

The newly blued boy glanced up at Kisame, who seemed equally as bored/amused as himself.  
Smiling kindly (sort of) whilst Deidaras arguing held everyone elses attention, Sai nudged Kisame.

"How about we just leave? They will figured it out soon enough."

Kisame grunted and shrugged his shoulders in acknowledgement, standing from his seat and moving over to the window to wait for Sais bird.  
Deidara halted his argument upon noticing the movement and watched with cautious eyes as Sai painted a quick picture, jumping back in fright when it soared off the scroll.  
Before anyone could say a word, the ink creature had scooped up Kisame and Sai and had carried them out the window.

Deidara scowled at the change of events, realising that he was now in fact, stuck with Lee.

* * *

Sasori, Ino and Shino walked through the woods boredly.  
Despite being able to had he wished it, Ino was glad that Sasori had not retreated back into Hiruko.  
She didn't mind admitting that she kind of enjoyed his company and the fact that Shino hadn't said a word of complaint probably meant that he didn't either.  
Since Deidara and Sai had left, the puppet master had insisted that they pack up camp and hurry away from their last known location as fast as possible.  
Ino assumed it had something to do with escaping Deidara, considering how much the red head complained about him.  
Nevertheless, Shino and Ino had accepted the decision without complaint and packed up their things.

They had decided to find another group and camp with them a night or two – just until Deidara and Sai got back.  
While they had no illusions about their fighting capabilities, none of them had trained together and they didn't want to risk the chance of having to fight without knowing each others techniques.  
Plus, safety in numbers was never a rule to dismiss, even if Tobi was alone in this battle (or so they assumed) it never hurt to be prepared.  
Sasori himself had never even SEEN Tobi fight.

"We should be there in about an hour."

Ino and Sasori looked to the man beside them, and noted the swarming insects around Shinos hands.  
Using his chakra beetles, Shino had found out whose camp was the closest and was leading them in that direction.  
He wasn't able to tell WHO they would be surprising however.

* * *

**Meanwhile, on Planet Namek**

* * *

"I'm fucking bored."

SLAP

"Would you fucking cut that the fuck out!? We've had this discussion, I'm not a fucking kiddie, and I don't need to be disciplined!"

Iruka scowled at the Jashinist but inwardly admitted that Hidan was right.  
He was a fully grown man and could do or say what he wanted (within reason), Iruka just supposed that his teacher instincts were a little TOO up to scratch.  
Instead of apologizing however, he just rolled his eyes.  
Hidan would probably gloat about getting Iruka to admit he was wrong anyway and while he WAS a fully grown man and he COULD do what he wanted, didn't mean they had to encourage him to be annoying.

Shikamaru watched the exchange lazily, not really caring to do anything else while Konan and Sakura chatted against the trees in slight boredom.  
Gai had gone to gather firewood – much to everyones relief.

"Holy fuck I just realized something!"

Konan, Shikamaru, Iruka and Sakura looked to Hidan in interest.  
The man was standing with his mouth open and pointing at Sakura and Konan as if he had just discovered the most incredible secret of all ti-

"When Konan and Sakura have babies, they will have purple hair!"

Everyone present groaned except for Sakura, who stood up and glared at Hidan, venomously asking,

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

Replying as if it was obvious, Hidan continued, "Because fucking look at you both! You have pink hair, she has blue hair, if you mix em together you get purple! Fucking logic, huh?"  
Sakuras eyebrow twitched, prompting Iruka and Shikamaru to back away – knowing that something was about to go down.

"I understood THAT part, _Hidan_. Why did you say that like it was going to happen?"

"Say what like what was going to happen?"

"You said… That WHEN Konan and I have babies… Not if."

"So?"

"Are you implying that Konan and I are lesbians?"

Hidan scoffed and waved a hand dismissively, "Konan? No. Her and Pein are waaaaaaaaaay to close for me to even suspect that. However…"  
Sakura glared at him, waiting for the end of the sentence whilst Konan looked fairly happy that she wasn't going to be interrogated about her sexuality.  
The Jashinist crossed one arm over his chest and stroked his imaginary wisdom beard with his other hand as he eyed the pinkette.  
He walked a circle around Sakura thoughtfully and paused a few seconds before nodding to himself, "Yup."  
Sakuras eyes narrowed, "Yup what…?"  
Grinning, the zealot replied, "Yup, you're a lesbian."  
Having the sense to know that the situation was far from under control as Sakuras face turned red and she began to crack her knuckles, Hidan added, "Well have you ever had a boyfriend?"  
Sakura grit her teeth and glared, "No."  
"Uh huh… I didn't think so."

Stalking towards Hidan with fury clouding her face, Sakura cried "THAT HARDLY MAKES ME A LESBIAN!"  
Ignoring the fact that a very angry, very strong kunoichi was getting very close, very fast, Hidan continued.  
"Now now, darling," He began, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "You'll find yourself a lovely girl one day. Just be patient- ACK!"

Even Shikamaru, who was quoted by many as a genius who could see anything coming, did not expect this.  
He supposed that despite being incredibly intelligent, having an IQ of over 200 and being able to predict any kind of outcome or situation, he would still never understand the way a womans mind works.  
Iruka gaped in shock at what he was watching, knowing that while Sakura had always had an attitude problem of some degree, he would never have expected her to grab a very dangerous S-rank missing nin by the back of his head and slam her lips onto his just to prove a point.  
Konan herself blinked at the situation. Inwardly giggling at the fact that Hidan had probably never been kissed before – assuming that waving his arms around desperately and wriggling in terror wasn't part of his seduction technique.  
Managing to secure his hands on Sakuras shoulders, Hidan pushed her away, hard, panting for air as he did so and looking very flustered and also, very angry.

"ARGH! Get the fuck away you manky lesbian bitch!"

Sakura lost her balance and fell to the ground, watching Hidan with slightly flushed cheeks as she realized her actions accomplished the opposite of what she wanted.  
Instead of Hidan accepting that okay, she wasn't a lesbian, he was now dry retching on the ground, still thinking she _was_ a lesbian, and still grossed out.  
She huffed in irritation and crossed her arms, accidentally ignoring a new chakra signature in the area until a twig snapped behind her.  
The group all turned and looked wide eyed in surprise at their visitor.  
Sakura paled considerably upon realising that he had witnessed the entire exchange.

"…What's going on, datte-bayo…?"

* * *

**Uh oh…  
I've always liked Hidan… I really do.  
But if there is one fight I would love to see, its between him and Naruto XD  
!peeb eht retfa sesucxe citehtap dna stnialpmoc ,sweiver ,setar ,ruoy evael ,syawla sA**

**esrevinu eht elur seltrut that ffo dessip won era tub sdrawkcab that daer ot evah t'ndid uoy fo flah teb I loL  
**  
**lla uoy evol I loL**

PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEB


	31. Poor, Poor Naruto

The entire company froze as they glanced back and forth between Naruto and Sakura.  
Narutos friendly visits to the Akatsuki base with Itachi had supplied the notorious criminals with much desired information on the blonde (not that they would really use it against him) so while all of the Konoha shinobi knew of the future hokages obsessive love towards Sakura, the Akatsuki did as well.  
Konan bit her lip nervously as she watched the disbelief and a tinge of sadness cross Narutos face, she had always liked the boy – he made her laugh, seeing him sad wasn't something on her to do list.  
A sad Naruto just didn't seem… right.  
Sakura cleared her throat and whispered with a voice laced with regret,

"This really isn't what it looks like Naruto…"

Sure she didn't particularly return his feelings, but she would still have rather been caught dead than stuck in a situation like this.  
Why oh why did he have to walk in on her kissing someone else… And a missing nin at that… A grumpy, swearing, missing nin!  
Said missing nin, who clearly didn't want to be associated with Sakura or the kiss nodded in agreement,

"We were just trying to find out if she was a fucking lesbian."

Naruto froze in surprise and looked between Hidan and Sakura uncertainly.  
It was clear to anyone who saw him that the cogs turning in his mind were working at overdrive.  
No doubt the only question he was thinking was, "shit, have I spent half my life lusting after a lesbian?"  
Looking back up to the group, he tilted his head curiously,

"Dattebayo, are you a lesbian? Dattebayo?"

Ignoring his over use of 'dattebayo', Sakura jumped to her feet with fire in her eyes, running full pelt at him in anger, "NO I'M NOT!"  
Iruka did a double take and mentally groaned.  
Sakura had NOT just kissed two men in one day… AND in front of each other.  
You just… you just don't do that.  
Naruto, for his part, struggled more than everyone thought he would, wriggling around until Sakura seemed to realize she had cut off his air supply.  
Releasing the now red faced shinobi, Sakura stepped back as he scratched at the air and screech,

"Dattebayo, I can breathe, dattebayo!"

Shikamaru gave him a weird look but said nothing about his behavior.  
Hidan on the other hand, never one to care about staying silent, pointed accusingly at Naruto.  
In a tone that portrayed the boy was clearly pissing him off, he growled,

"Why the fuck do you keep fucking saying dattebayo?"

Before Naruto could reply, Iruka cut over the top, cockily answering, "Why do you keep saying fuck?"  
Hidan glared at him from the corner of his eye but said nothing, not because he couldn't or he felt threatened, more because he wasn't in the mood.  
The Jashinist glanced back at Naruto who was sheepishly scratching the back of his neck and grinning awkwardly,

"Don't I usually say dattebayo this much? Dattebayo?"

Sakura and Konan raised an eyebrow at the exchange between the two.  
Naruto actually did probably say dattebayo this much but if Hidan had noticed something it either showed that he was extremely intelligent, or just didn't pay attention to the boy in general.  
Truth be told, whenever Itachi brought Naruto back to the base for sandwiches, dangos and ramen, Hidan and the boy usually WOULD get into a verbal (and sometimes physical) fight.  
Narrowing his eyes at the Kyuubi container, Hidan growled,

"No, you fucking don't. And its pissing me off."

Naruto flinched at the tone.  
Pissed off Hidan = violent Hidan.  
Sakura, Shikamaru, Konan and Iruka hadn't really noticed a difference in Naruto, and if Gai was there he would be too oblivious to see one even if it was there.  
Naruto lowered his head slightly in a somewhat submissive way and grimaced,

"Sorry Hidan-sama."

"I FUCKING KNEW IT!"

Before anyone could react, Hidan shot across the clearing and grabbed Naruto by the throat, letting his feet dangle in the air. The rest of the group cried out in surprise and shock at the sudden act of violence and raced over to help their comrade.  
Iruka was especially pissed, seeing Naruto as a younger brother and all.  
Growling dangerously, Hidan glared up at Naruto who was now, feebly grasping on the Jashinists tightening grip.

"Since when have you ever called me Hidan-sama you little fuck? You have only ever called me rude names like shithead or prick."

Konan froze in her angry steps towards the struggling duo.  
Now that she thought of it, Hidan was right.  
"Wait!" she called to Iruka, Shikamaru and Sakura.  
They stopped and turned to her, their eyes urging her to hurry so they could save Naruto.

"Hidan is right! Whenever Naruto comes to the base, him and Hidan only ever argue, I've never heard Naruto refer to him as his superior. There is only one person who has ever done… that..."

Hidan cut her off, glaring at the man he was slowly choking, "Yeah… Fucking Tobi."  
The group gasped in unison at the revelation and turn of events.  
Narutos face suddenly changed, a large smile making its way across his face as his body slipped right through Hidans hands, almost as though he was a ghost.  
That being done, the henge jutsu was released and Tobi appeared, sheepishly giggling behind his mask.

"You got me, Hidan-sama! Tobi has been working on his henge jutsu-"

"GET THE LITTLE FUCK!"

Tobi shrieked in terror and ran.  
In a very rare display of physical movement, Shikamaru jumped forward and stabbed at Tobi with a kunai, his smirk of triumph at making contact with his target disappearing with the cloud of smoke.

He hit the ground and rolled into a crouched position.  
Scowling, he murmured, "It was a shadow clone."  
Hidan sighed and threw his head back in annoyance.  
Stupid incompetent people…  
From across the clearing Sakura cried out in shock and fell down, prompting everyone to dash over to her side.  
"Are you okay!?" Konan called out to her.  
Sakura groaned in reply and shook her head, looking slightly ill.  
"I kissed two member of the Akatsuki in one day…"  
Hidan sniggered and left the group to huddle around the girl.  
At least he knew she wasn't a lesbian.

* * *

**Quick update haha.  
I had a few PMs and such asking me stuff like "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO POOR NARUTO!?" AND "I LOVE HIDASAKU"  
Well… I dunno, I just like screwing around with Sakuras head lol.  
Dear The Keeper of Worlds… I TOLD YOU I COULDN'T DO THAT TO NARUTO!  
XD  
As always, leave your rates, reviews complaints and excuses after the beep.**

**And my deepest sympathies and concern goes out to all you guys getting thrashed by that bitch Sandy.**


	32. I'm Blue Da Ba Dee Da Ba Die

**So I was at work today and somebody bought a chicken.  
As I scanned this chicken I came up with an ending to Operation: Kill Tobi!  
Good ol' chickens.**

**Anyway: Thank you to everyone who has stuck by this story so far – I promise I won't drag the bloody thing out too much longer – you can all rest easy XD**

**I watched The Dark Knight because it was on TV before and I must say… Out of all the fictional characters in the world, the Joker has to be in my top 5.**  
**Heath Ledger ftw!**  
**Strayan he was!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Tsunades frown hadn't yet eased off her face.  
So dark was her scowl that Shizune had temporarily left her masters side in favor of cowering on the other side of the room.  
The source of Tsunades discomfort stood before her in the form of the Leafs very own Root Division Sai and the Akatsukis Kisame Hoshigaki…  
Both of which, whether it was normal or not, were currently blue.  
Sai was prone to doing weird things.  
But Tsunade never expected him to go so far as to paint himself the same color as his comrade…

Weirdo or not, who DOES that?

But then…  
This WAS the social nutcase they talking about…

"Sai… Why do you look like Kisame?"

The raven haired boy looked up at the Hokage and blinked, unsure of the question.  
OBVIOUSLY he had been painted blue… THAT'S why he looked like Kisame.  
Surely the Hokage hadn't gone stupid in his absence?  
Though he doubted it was _im_possible, considering the amount of sake she drank.  
However, Sai had the feeling there was something more to this question and Tsunades dislike of the Akatsuki seemed to be a subtle clue.

"What is wrong with Kisame?"

Tsunades eyebrow twitched and she leaned forward in her seat, resting her elbows on the desk and cupping her face in her hands.  
Sai KNEW that she didn't _say_ anything was wrong with Kisame, at the moment he was just being a stupid brat with an I-know-how-to-read-between-the-lines-and-make-you-look-mean attitude.  
Kisame for his part, looked slightly nervous that the young boy beside him had so easily pissed off the Hokage with just one sentence…  
Jashin, Pein, Buddha and Cthulu knew what was coming next.

Whether it was because somewhere in Sais weird little head, he had decided that men must experience self esteem issues as well as females, or whether he just enjoyed pissing off the Hokage, his next sentence made everyone raise an eyebrow at him.

"I think Kisame is beautiful."

Tsunade blinked, then deciding to ignore the comment, turned to Kisame, who looked as though he was torn between hitting Sai or hugging him, and asked,

"Why are you both here?"

Hesitantly looking away from the blue boy beside him, Kisame explained the situation at the Kazekages offices, detailing Deidaras 'art' as an explanation for their 'colour' problem.  
Safe to say, Tsunade wasn't happy.

"So… Gaaras office is now not only completely trashed because of Tobi, but also painted in all the colours of the rainbow due to your little mishap?"

Nervously scratching his nose, Kisame glanced briefly at Sai, getting what was probably supposed to be a reassuring smile before replying,

"Uhh… Actually it was Deidara that made the rainbow…"

Tsunade scowled at the man, further increasing his growing anxiety.  
He knew how reputed the Hokage was for her strength and ability to punch someone through walls with a pinky.  
Tailless tailed beast or not, Kisame didn't like being punched...  
It hurt.  
To make things worse, Sai then cheerily added,

"Oh, don't make it out to be entirely Deidaras fault, you could have stopped him."

Tsunade raised a brow under narrowed eyes at this and glared at Kisame threateningly.  
Rounding on the boy angrily, the larger of the blue men, pointed at the smaller and growled,

"YOU were the one that suggested Deidara show Gaara his art in the first place."

Sai paused, finger to his lip in thought before smiling.  
Not even appearing embarrassed about his mistake, the irritating boy replied,

"So I did. I forgot."

Tsunade rolled her eyes, her anger at Kisame fading slightly.  
She probably should have realized that Sai would be at fault to some degree.  
It pained her to think that in this instance, and probably many others, Sai was more troublesome to deal with than an Akatsuki member.  
Turning away from the boy angrily and trying not to voice his irritation for the boy aloud lest it not go down well with the Hokage, Kisame growled under his breath,

"I'll kill you and no one will ever find your body…"

"What was that, Kisame?"

"Nothing, nothing…"

* * *

Naruto stood, wide eyed with shock at the person before him.  
He opened his mouth several times to try and call someone for help.  
Itachi would know what to do in this situation…  
Because he sure as hell didn't.  
As the dark haired male before him took a step closer, Naruto gasped,

"I-I…Ta…Ch-chi!"

The object of his fear smirked and Naruto closed his eyes in terror.  
Oh yes… He needed Itachi.  
For whatever was before him must have been cast from hell itself.

"Of all times for me to get lost, dattebayo…"

Naruto cursed under his breath as the distance between the two men closed a little more.  
Raising his arms in defense, the blond boy tried to grin reassuringly at his 'friend' but succeeded in only producing a grimace.  
What were you SUPPOSED to do in this situation anyway?  
The mans arm twitched and Naruto lost his nerves, managing to scream out, "ITACHI!" before a leaf was thrown at his face.

* * *

Itachi cursed as he back tracked his steps with Orochimaru and Neji behind him.  
Somehow, Naruto had managed to get lost along the way and as such, he needed to be found.  
After all, there were dangerously annoying people about…  
Take Hidan for example.  
No one deserved the fate of being stuck alone with that horrible man.  
Itachi vaguely wondered if after all this kerfuffle with Tobi was over, he could start Operation: Maim Hidan.  
No one would ever be in danger again.  
And it's not like they could kill Hidan… But maiming him sounded fun enough.  
Anything to keep his probably-not-legally-adopted-foolish-little-brother out of harm.  
But then again… This was Naruto they were talking about, chances are he was perfectly safe-

"ITACHI!"

Nevermind…  
Who was he to deny the cries for help from his foolish little secretly adopted brother?  
Neji and Orochimaru didn't need any asking, they too, seemed worried about the Hidden Leafs Number One Unpredictable Ninja…  
But probably for different reasons, Nejis not involving experiments of the scientific or sexual kind because as they had discovered (much to the man in questions exasperation and face palms) Orochimaru was probably a sexual predator of some kind.  
But back to Naruto.  
Whatever trouble they expected him to be in, it certainly wasn't the kind in which they found him.  
Itachi darted between trees in the direction of the boys voice until he came into a small clearing.  
Lying on the ground at the far side was Naruto, who while looking dazed and confused, seemed to be fine.  
Although how this was the case with the person who was currently standing over him being present was anyones guess.  
Eyes wide in a rare display of disbelief and horror, Itachi growled,

"What are you doing here?!"

As if recognizing their presence for the first time, the man stood up straight and turned around to glare at the group.  
Suddenly taking notice of what the man was wearing, Orochimaru screeched,

"And what the hell are you wearing!?"

True to his observation, the man before them was decked out in normal shinobi gear…  
The only difference being that it was pink… and slightly frilly in places.  
There was only one thing that could possibly make Sasuke look scarier than he already did.  
Fortunately, he saved the groups mind from wandering and just showed them.  
The smile was terrifying.  
Even Itachi cringed upon seeing it.  
Then, seemingly pleased with the terror his appearance and grin had caused, Sasuke then began to grasp leaves from the ground, casting them at the new comers in a bizarre frenzy.  
For their part, Orochimaru and Neji just stared, glancing at each other after a while and shrugging.  
Itachi activated his Sharingan, intent on making his non-adopted-legal-but-not-happily-accepted-foolish-little-brother suffer for his foolishness, only to realize that Sasukes chakra signature was completely different.  
Deactivating it, Itachi instead pulled a kunai from his weapons pouch and thrust it in the imposters direction, causing the man to shriek and in a puff of smoke, revert back to his normal self.  
Glancing down at himself and realising his transformation jutsu had been undone, Tobi covered the bottom of his mask where his mouth would be in mock horror.  
He then proceeded to pounce onto Naruto, giggling as he did and clawing at the boys clothes.

"ACCK! GET IT AWAY, GET IT AWAY!"

Neji and Orochimaru grabbed one each of Tobis arms and dragged him off the now mentally scarred Naruto and held him in place while Itachi stood before him, brandishing a kunai and smirking threateningly.

"What do you have to say for yourself, Tobi?"

Without hesitation, Tobi giggled manically and nodded at Itachi, his hands being restrained and happily replied,

"Tobi hopes that Itachi-san liked the way Sasuke-sama looked. Because he probably won't live to see him look so happy ever again. Hiiiiiiiii Narutoooooo! Can Tobi have a hug?"

Crawling hastily away, Naruto pointed at Tobi and screeched,

"YOU ARE EITHER TAKING WAY TOO MANY PILLS - OR NO WHERE NEAR ENOUGH!"

Sighing and shaking his head, Itachi rubbed the bridge of his nose and muttered to himself, "Why is this entire adventure so ridiculous…" before thrusting his kunai into Tobis chest, his frown and disappointment darkening when he was greeted with a 'pop' and a puff of smoke.  
Mother fucking shadow clones...  
Narutos breathing calmed upon seeing that the object of his growing dislike had poofed away.  
Sighing and dropping his weight back onto his elbows, the boy cringed in horror and cried,

"Of all people he could have impersonated in pink, WHY did it have to be SASUKE!?"

* * *

**Now, you are all probably cursing me and my existence for putting Sasuke beloved into frilly pink things… I assure you that there is a reason (albeit a not very good one) for it.  
I'd love to know how you all think this is going to end, cookies to whoever gets the closest to the truth  
XD  
As always, leave your rates, reviews, complaints and excuses after the beep!  
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep !**


End file.
